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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

First baby due next month. Mother has invited herself to stay...

58 replies

ILikeRed · 25/07/2014 18:49

Our first baby is due at the end of august (my mother's first grandchild) and everyone is very excited. My mum lives about 300miles away and is not the easiest person to get on with (DH would call that an enormous understatement!) She can make me feel extremely stressed at the best of times and im constantly worried about her and DH arguing - which they generally dont, as long as he bites his tongue.(I imagine sleep deprivation will make that more difficult!)

She has, somehow, invited herself to stay with us for a week at the beginning of august, returning the weekend that the baby is due to "help". She wont help. She doesnt cook or clean or wash. She just makes mess and noise.

AIBU to ask her not to come? Can I ask her to give us a few days/ a week after the birth before she meets her grandchild?

How do I tell her? She WILL throw a hissy fit and I, at almost 9 months pregnant, am not sure I can take the stress!

Help!

OP posts:

TheresLotsOfFarmyardAnimals · 25/07/2014 20:25

If she MUST come, make her work for it. Give out constant jobs.

Dsis made us iron. I don't iron my own bloody clothes!!

NatashaBee · 25/07/2014 20:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MaryWestmacott · 25/07/2014 20:33

When trying to work out how to say 'thanks, but no thanks' could you say something like you and DH are looking forward to making the most of this quiet time before the baby comes, the last few weeks while it's just the 2 of you, that everyone has been saying how much life changes once the baby is here so you want to make the most of this time, and hint that you might be going away for a few days to a close by hotel at the start of August (later, you just didn't feel like it so cancelled).

That you would rather have 'help' once the baby has arrived and your DH has returned to work, so end of September, as you don't need help now . (Realistically, she's going to want to visit once the baby arrives so you might as well keep it to one visit rather than 2).

mrsspagbol · 25/07/2014 20:35

If she is not going to help you - do not allow this!

The tiredness of the first few days with a newborn is difficult to explain but trust me.

Like a pp my DM was a complete Godsend - but she didnt tell us anything at all re the baby unless we specifically asked - and she cooked, cleaned, ironed, shopped etc. i bawled my eyes out when she left.

If your mum is going to be a pita - deal with it NOW.

FastWindow · 25/07/2014 20:36

No no no no no.

Or, 'here's a list of local hotels, go mad.'

mermaidstale · 25/07/2014 20:45

It's sad that so many MNs have bad relationships with their own or their partner's mothers. I knew nothing about babies and relied on the wisdom and kindness of both our mums. They gave me real help (shopping, cooking, cleaning) and loving support when i cried with tiredness.
Do first-time parents know it all now, and want no advice from the people who made them and brought them up?
Op's mum says she wants to help. Why not let her?

morethanpotatoprints · 25/07/2014 20:53

YANBU

This is exactly what we did with my ils and my parents when ds1 was born.
They gave us a few days, then first my parents came, then dhs.
They stayed in a local guest house though, not with us, I couldn't have coped.
Just tell her you don't want her to come as you need the first few days as a family to bond.
Even if she kicks off she'll soon realise that if she continues she will lose contact with gc, that's enough to calm the most irate mother.
You have the upper hand here, and you can call the shots.

ShitStickSugar · 25/07/2014 21:01

My best friend offered to come and stay to help with our animals. I declined. Told her veru honestly that I want to just spend time with baby amd dh. And I will be ratty not having enough sleep, so I would yell at her. Best to just aviod that situation.

I have no problem telling people they are not welcome!

Original poster

ILikeRed · 25/07/2014 21:10

mermaidstale I don't have a bad relationship with my mum. Nor do I pretend to know everything (or anything!) about having a newborn baby. But thank you for trying to make me feel even worse.

Not all mums spread wisdom and kindness. Some spread stress and bad feeling.

OP posts:

NewtRipley · 25/07/2014 21:15

Theternal may be right here. My relationship with my mum has improved since I had children. She has been a brilliant grand parent (my dad has too), not at all interfering, and supportive of me. I thought she'd take over.

But the fact remains, that she invited herself, and you are dreading it, so you are going to have to tell her.
FWIW, I don't think mermaid is trying to make you feel worse, just offer a different perspective.

MissBattleaxe · 25/07/2014 21:16

Read the OP. The mother won't help. She says she wants to but she won't. Plus there's usually tension.

It's nothing to do with with people these days not needing help or thinking they know it all. My MIL expects to be waited on like a Queen. I think it's really rude to ask to stay with parents of a newborn and let them wait on you.

Plus the other thing is that sometimes new parents just want to be alone to bond without checking if visitors need a cuppa or if they want breakfast.

LemonBreeland · 25/07/2014 21:23

mermaidstale don't assume everyones mother is lovely and helpful. I loved having my Mum to stay afterall of my DC were born. She only stayed a couple of days though, and cooked and cleaned and helped out. If the OP had a Mother like mine I'm sure ahe would love her to stay. HHowever she has clearly pointed out that her Mother is nothing like that.

findingherfeet · 25/07/2014 21:26

I would have liked someone to offer to have helped (even if the 'help' was a bit rubbish) first time round was totally overwhelming and in early weeks I was grateful if someone made me tea (and talked baby with me) but then hubs was away a lot in early days and I felt isolated that first fortnight.

Just to offer different perspective, babies (well no YOUR first baby) is just amazing and you might want to share it with your mum. The arrival of my kids certainly made my mum and I closer...

If you do say no, be honest say you're worried about tiredness and not wanting to be hostess. But you 'might' find that actually, especially if you have a difficult birth or recovery that help or at least her well meaning is welcome (you'd be allowed to boss her around and give instructions..new mum prerogative)

MaryWestmacott · 25/07/2014 21:28

Mermaidstale - some mothers will give real help, and will cook, clean, be a support. Other mothers won't cook, clean, just create more mess, and make their adult DD feel less secure rather than more secure.

And some mothers will make their son-in-law feel uncomfortable in his own home - which will case stress to his DW, the mother's DD - the opposite of supportive. If your mum and DH don't get on (as the OP states), her being there, even if she does suddenly start being a physical help, will cause tension just at the point (37-39 weeks) when the OP should be feeling as relaxed as possible.

My mum would like to be a help, she isn't. I accept who she is and work with it, so no, if I needed help or support, i'd not call my mum, I'd call my MIL. The idea of MIL stayig for 2 weeks might make me feel a little scared, the idea of my mum staying for 2 weeks would find me booking into a travelodge...

KnittedJimmyChoos · 25/07/2014 21:31

Can you just lie and say the MW said your BP is high and you need to be alone with your Dh?

KnittedJimmyChoos · 25/07/2014 21:33

mermaidstale

Your post made me feel so sad as I had neither when our DD was born and I would have so much liked some maternal wisdom and support, your very lucky are you not.

some people are not.

MaryWestmacott · 25/07/2014 21:35

Also to point out again, the OP's mum isn't talking about visiting after the baby is born, but before. She's arriving at the start of August for a baby due at the end of August. So not really at a time the OP needs 'help'. At 37 weeks with both pregnancies, I wasn't the most bouncy, but not needing to be looked after.

However, a houseguest then, no matter how close, would piss me right off, if it's hot, the OP might want to just lie on the sofa in just her pants eating whatever food she's craving rather than cooking real meals to be eaten at the table. She might want to just sit next to a fan watching day time TV crap, not 'entertaining' someone. A week at a point you are knackered, but not needing assistance is a long time...

littledrummergirl · 25/07/2014 21:35

I love my mil to bits(and fil before he died), they came to stay after each of our dc were born but were here for five days at most.
They cooked, hoovered, washed up and generally helped. The house felt very cluttered with lots of people but I am really glad we had them.

I swore that when/if my dc have children, I am staying in a b&b.

Purplepoodle · 25/07/2014 21:38

I kindly explained to my own mum that myself and dh wanted a week to ourselves then she could come over to stay. I wasn't bothered but dh thought it was very important that he wanted it just to be us - he wouldn't let his own mum visit for a couple of days and she lives down the road lol - though she did come to the hospital to have a cuddle.

SallyMcgally · 25/07/2014 21:44

Say no. Firmly. I've been bullied by my DM all my life, and recently I really can't be arsed to engage in the self pity, attention seeking and tantrums. I've been told I have a heart of stone and no compassion, but guess what - behaviour vastly improved! Also, your DM can't have too much of a hissy fit in case you stop her seeing your baby! Be firm. It's a really special time for you. Let her come when you're ready and give her lovely welcome then. and congratulations!

tobysmum77 · 26/07/2014 07:53

yadnbu op.

It isnt 'sad' to not want people staying with you after you've had a baby. Wanting your own space doesn't mean you have a 'bad relationship' with anyone.

Deathraystare · 26/07/2014 08:19

There's a big difference from mums who try to help and ones that do nothing, expecing tea on tap and think that just holding a baby occasionally is 'helping' and then get upset when a very tired couple get snappy. Anyone would think these mums have forgotten what it was like when they had a baby.

Just say no and mean it. No good suggesting hotels etc because she will still come around every day. If she is the type who tantrums when she does not get enough attention then really you don't want two babies screeching do you??

Allowing a week before she descends is very generous - why not make it two weeks?!!

KittyandTeal · 26/07/2014 08:39

Don't do it!

I told my parents and pil not to even think about contacting us until we contacted them.

As it was it was all so scary all I wanted was my mum who came the afternoon dd was born. Saying that I'm very close to my mum and she was nothing but helpful.

You need to say no.

stagsden · 26/07/2014 09:53

OP - put your foot down now, turn phones off if necessary or ask dp to tackle her backlash. I dont blame you in your circumstances for not wanting her there.

mermaid i think that was a horrible thing to say. Some people like you and me might have wonderful mothers who help us keep our sanity and wait on us hand and foot. Offer help only when asked and arent offended if you dpnt follow it and get on with our dp's well. However many people do not. Their mothers (like my dps mother) will expect the pregnant/new mother to wait on them hand and foot, be demanding, critiscise everything, treat dp with utter comptempt, bitch, create mess and stress and give ridiculous out dated advice that youre branded "evil" if you dont follow. That is not what any pregnant/new mother or her dp needs - that is no reflection on them for not wanting to be put through that hell.

ShadowFall · 26/07/2014 11:13

And even if a mum thinks that they're helping, they're not necessarily being as helpful as they think....

My mum tries to be helpful. She really does. But she has very precise ideas about how things should be done, and gets really stressed if they're not being done in the right way or order. Which in turn makes me all stressed and on edge because our house is just not organised in the way my mum likes.

Like when she came over to help when DS2 was tiny, and got really upset when I wanted to feed my hungry baby before moving furniture so mum could vacuum behind it. I tried to convince her to sit down with a cup of coffee, while I fed DS2, but no. There was a lot of passive aggressive vacuuming going on instead.

Frankly, as a general rule, it's a good deal more relaxing to wait on my mum hand and foot than it is to accept her offers of help.

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