to ask my mum not to let herself in to our house when we are not in?

[InnerSpace88]

She sometimes comes in either to 'drop something off' (never urgent) or 'borrow' something (without asking). She knows we are not in (although has on occasion woken my partner who is asleep after working late) or waits until we are on holiday. I have asked her before not to do it some years ago (and to ring the bell before letting herself in when we ARE there!). She had a paddy but it blew over and she continued to do it. I have now asked her again not to do it when it is not planned or expected. She looks after our children once a week and OF COURSE she can come in with them, that is not in question - I made that very clear. She has flipped out - said she will never come in the house again, thrown our keys in the door and said she cannot look after the children for the 3 days arranged this summer holiday. She says she is going to move away and said I am over controlling. She does not seem to care that she is throwing away her time with her grandchildren. Have I been unreasonable? Or is her reaction a bit mad??!

Part of me feels relieved (a. to have stood up to her and b. to have our keys back!) and part of me feels so sad for our girls, even though they know her mood can be unpredictable. Mostly just feel hugely angry that she can be so toddler-like, having a tantrum because someone has given her a boundary. In her mind it's always everyone else's fault. Grrr. Other than that I'm having a lovely summer holiday with my beautiful family :-)

My Dad used to do this and we fitted another lock, to which he didn't have a key and would lock that when we didn't want him to come in.

Cue him saying in puzzlement "I stopped off at your place on the way back from xx because I needed a pee, but I couldn't get in!"

Given that he never washed his hands when using the loo I thought the cost of the lock well worth it.

Another option would be to tell her about your DC setting up a webcam(s) by the door, or to protect the desk because of their stash of sweets or whatever (choose a place you'll think she'll snoop) or to watch spiders/pets/anything that you can think of. Watch some footage, laughing about it and their exploits. Bet she wouldn't want to be caught on camera!

Neither my DPs or my DPils would dream of doing this and they have always had keys.

My washing machine broken down once while my DPs were on hols and even though I knew they wouldn't mind I still checked with them before going round to use theirs.

I wouldn't give keys back personally. Never reward tantrums.

Agree with Goldmandra. Don't back down. She's hoping you will.

There's definitely a strong element of power play here, OP - very common with mothers! Even when their offspring have grown up and have their own families, some still think they're in charge and react angrily when expected to relinquish their authority.

As everyone else has said, stay cool and calm and don't give in. Your mother has to realise you are now an independent adult, equal to her in status. I wouldn't give her back the keys and I wouldn't reinstate this unless you feel there are pressing reasons for it. (access in a plumbing emergency etc)

The fact that she was providing childcare probably strengthened her sense of entitlement towards you so I would quietly make other, independent arrangements and let your mother's time with your children be for enjoyment only, so there is no sense of obligation.

But don't feel at all guilty or feel you have to appease her. It sounds as if this stand-off was inevitable and this is good opportunity to restart your relationship on a new, equal basis.

Is she lonely?

There have been a few threads like this over the years. You are doing much better than most having got the keys back. Others seem to have to change the locks.

My mum has a key to mine, I have a key to hers. She lets herself in, prepares the tea, stacks the dishwasher, hoovers the stairs and just waits for us to get back. She really is the nicest mum.

However, if I said to her we didn't like this and wanted her to wait til we were in, she would do so. It would be incredibly rude not to. To have a key to someone's house is a gift not to be abused.

You do have to be prepared though, that she may not want to continue the childcare, as part of her tantrum and given that that is also a gift- given freely, you may lose it as the price to be paid for asking for the key back.

It is very silly of her to cut off her nose to spite her face on this one.

Sounds to me like if she's that mental emotional about this issue it's probably best for her not to be doing solo childcare anyway. YANBU.

Yanbu. In many ways I'm grateful that we were not dependent on parents for childcare. There is a massive element of not allowing you to grow up here, op. I would be incandescent with rage if I were in your shoes.

5 will get you 10 that she will begging for her keys back within 24 hours under the guise of doing the childcare after all. When you refuse (as you must) it will be paddy time again.

She is acting like a toddler so treat her like one and ignore her tantrums.

Wow thanks everyone, my first MN post and I feel SO much better for it! Childcare will be sorted and the keys are not going back. She can see the girls but without the ties. Feeling relieved mostly, although I know it's not over yet... will be more tantrums ahead but I feel so much clearer in my own mind.

DP's parents have keys and often come over when we are not in, but they come over to do a couple of bits for us e.g. putting milk in the fridge if we've been away and wouldn't rummage. They also always knock if they know either of us are likely to be in. I would hate it if they just did whatever they pleased so YANBU!

my late DF was a great one for letting himself into my house. He was feeding the legions of hamsters one time we were on holiday and announced to me that he had washed the (folded, clean) clothes i had left on my bed. He was rather taken aback when i demanded to know what the .... he was doing in my bedroom. And i had to wash the clothes again when i came home as i was allergic to the stuff he'd used!

I did manage to stymie him once when my friend was down staying (I was down visiting DD1 in hospital) and he was trying to unlock an open door and she went to see what the noise was. He was completely taken aback and then asked me if i wasn't worried that said friend would steal my TV. (He never liked my friends)

DF wasn't trying to be controlling. He was lonely and socially inept and he never really learned that just coming in when it suited him was not really the done thing.

My mum has a key but lives 100 miles away. She will let herself in but only if she arrives while we are out.
I have a key for her house too but wouldn't let myself in unless it was pre arranged or she was ill.
Stick to your guns op.

Aargh! I had this. I too fitted an extra deadbolt. She occasionally asks 'But I have keys to your sister's houses" but I'm standing firm.

I used to make myself late feeling I had to have everything immaculate before I left the house in case she dropped in, and some mornings it just created extra stress.

I made the mistake of telling her I'm looking to hire someone to do our ironing and she asked if she could do it (I would pay her). But she has already started making noises about doing it at our house. It's going to be difficult....

Definitely stick to your guns. Privacy in your own home is very important.

MIL has keys to our house because she lives relatively close (DM lives a couple of hours away) but she'd never dream of letting herself in uninvited.

A friend's PILs on the other hand used to let themselves in all the time and snoop through her kitchen cupboards. What they expected to find, I don't know. They got a new front door and 'forgot' to give PILs the keys. She said they were very put out when they asked for the new keys and were refused!

I hate giving out keys for this reason. I don't like anyone having free access to the house at any time they please. It's too invasive and I like to walk around naked or in my undies.

My parents gave me a key to the house when I was 12 and I still have it. There's been a couple times I've gotten down there (invited of course!) while they are out and I just let myself in. It always throws them for a loop and they try to figure out if they left the door unlocked until I remind them they gave me a key when I was a kid.

I think it depends on your relationship, mum has a key to ours and I have one for hers and we both let ourselves in each others house, but to fair mum comes and does the garden but would never do anything we had asked of her.

The in laws don't have a key but they never visit anyway.

MIL has a key as do we for hers but this is for emergencies/house sitting etc only. We wait outside the house if we arrive earlier than expected and she's not there or is in the loo

I think OP should go get the burglar alarm and NOT tell her mum about it!

Its great that some of you are happy to wander in and out of your parents homes and they yours, with no problems, but there are very different sorts of relationships and some mothers/MILs, and fathers /FILs are snoopy and interfere and judge. Your home is your refuge and your escape from the world. I would HATE for someone else to feel they had the right to wander in and out, tidying my personal stuff, and will never do this to my kids! people need to be able to wander round half dressed, to leave personal stuff laid around, have an afternoon nap, or a quickie without the fear of someone just walking in on them!

as for the mum entertaining at her DDs house, words fail me.

You can't really blame her for having a tantrum about it. After all last time she did, you backed down and she got her own way and continued. So she will now expect the same.

That of course is not to say she is right at all. But in a game of getting her own way this is what has worked before.

If it were my mum (or anyone) i think i would have laughed quite a lot in her face. It's just so ludicrous isn't it? You ask for something completely reasonable, but it challenges her sense of authority and control so instead of taking it on the chin, she acts like a child.

I can see you have re-arranged childcare and kept the keys. Good. I wouldn't contact her first and just let her come to you now. It will either be 1) tail between legs, 2) acting like nothing has happened, 3) with reasons why she should have the keys back or 4) more tantrums/martyrish/guilt tripping. I would have a plan on how to respond to each of these scenarios so you aren't caught off guard.

Your post could have been written by me. I had exactly the same problem with my mother - the spurious excuses for popping in etc etc.

In the end I gave her the key to her house back and asked for mine back - I didn't have the added problem you've got of childcare.

Now she is really precious and silly and says things like "How can I feed your cat - I don't have a key"

I give her a key as and when she will need it and ask for it back straightaway.