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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go out late when DH won't get to sleep until I get home?

45 replies

HiImBarryScott · 23/07/2014 12:30

DH is a bit of an insomniac. Sometimes it takes him ages to get to sleep; sometimes he is awake for ages in the middle of the night. When I go out in the evening, he cannot relax and get to sleep until I get in as he is aware that I will come to bed at some point and disturb him.

I went out last night, had a few drinks with a friend and was home at 11:30. Stopped to have a snack in the kitchen and was hassled by him to get to bed. He was cross I was in late and he couldn't get to sleep. I'm going out again tonight and will probably be home about the same time. I feel like the same will happen again tonight.

I know it is a problem for him and he is a bit stressed at work right now, but am I really being selfish and unreasonable to go out 2 nights in a row until 11:30? I have offered to sleep in the spare room so he doesn't get disturbed. He doesn't go out during the week (his choice), but I sleep like a log so it wouldn't annoy me anyway.

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 23/07/2014 12:30

No you are not being unreasonable.

crashbandicoot · 23/07/2014 12:31

can u sleep on the couch so as not to disturb him?

MorphineDreams · 23/07/2014 12:32

You're not a child, you're not being unreasonable at all.

crashbandicoot · 23/07/2014 12:33

sorry didnt see bit about the spare room. what is wrong with spare room option?

WobblyHalo · 23/07/2014 12:34

Nope, NU

Original poster
HiImBarryScott · 23/07/2014 12:34

Spare room option was accepted as a bit better, but he would still hear me coming in the house.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 23/07/2014 12:35

Sounds like he's trying to control you...

crashbandicoot · 23/07/2014 12:36

LTB

sooperdooper · 23/07/2014 12:38

You're not unreasonable at all, it sounds like an underhand way to control you tbh

crashbandicoot · 23/07/2014 12:38

so you are under curfew effectively? it sounds like there is more going on than just insomnia tbh. more stress/control/insecurity?

crashbandicoot · 23/07/2014 12:39

stay at a friends instead?

whois · 23/07/2014 12:39

You are not unreasonable at all. However one of my friends has a similar situation - her husban has to get up really early for work and struggles to get back to sleep if she wakes him at midnight or something. They have a spare bedroom and she sleeps there if she's going to be late home. Is that an option for you?

I don't think you should have to sleep on the sofa tho, it's basically your DPs problem so don't see when you should have to take the sofa.

Does DP take melatonin? That would could help his sleep.

HolgerDanske · 23/07/2014 12:40

Ear plugs. And if he has problems anyway then I think he'd probably be up half the night regardless of what you do or don't do, so the veiled resentment is misplaced and out of order.

mumeeee · 23/07/2014 12:46

YANBU. I wouldn't say 11,30 was late anyway. Is there any reason that you can't sleep in the spare room?

splendidpup · 23/07/2014 12:49

YANBU

I suffer from insomnia a lot (early waker) and it's my problem. I make sure my OH doesn't suffer from it. His insomnia is his problem, you shouldn't have a curfew or set bedtime because of it. Sleep in the spare room. Unless you are bashing and crashing about when you get in, it's his problem. Earplugs are a good idea. Or a radio playing low level to disguise other noises?

P.S. Is your bedroom really dark? I mean blackout curtain dark? Many people sleep much better that way, and it can help with insomnia.

whois · 23/07/2014 12:51

Ear plugs. And if he has problems anyway then I think he'd probably be up half the night regardless of what you do or don't do, so the veiled resentment is misplaced and out of order

Yeah, ear plugs, eye mask and a dose of melatonin plus a change in attitude should do the trick.

My friend is happy to sleep in the spare room because her DH is well, a nice and normal guy and doesn't make bitchy resentful comments at her...

SybilRamkin · 23/07/2014 16:15

He's a grown man, not a baby who can't sleep without his mother. Tell him to deal with it.

magpiegin · 23/07/2014 16:42

Bloody hell, I thought you was going to say you're getting in at 3am. 11.30 isn't late at all, he needs to deal with it.

ItMustBeBedtimeSurely · 23/07/2014 16:49

I don't sleep well when my dh goes out. I wouldn't dream of telling him to come home early because of it. It's not his problem, it's mine.

WannabeMrsJoshHomme · 23/07/2014 17:45

heavens 11:30 is nothing, he's being daft.

tiggerkid · 23/07/2014 17:48

Not unreasonable. If sleeping issues is the only challenge here, then offer to sleep on the couch or another bedroom if available. If that's not possible or not acceptable to him, he will have to live with the inconvenience because you can't put your entire social life on hold or make it non-existent because DH has sleeping issues, won't compromise or both.

FunkyBoldRibena · 23/07/2014 17:55

If he suffers from insomnia won't he be awake anyway?

hamptoncourt · 23/07/2014 18:31

This sounds like a control issue.

I would offer to stay at a mates or a naice hotel unless he became a bit more reasonable.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 23/07/2014 18:36

Well it is his issue to sort. He can either have an earlier night the night before so he can possibly bear to stay up til.midnight, or he can accept that he has an issue and stop trying to make it your issue and just stay up.

runningonwillpower · 23/07/2014 18:38

Grown-ups get to decide their own bedtime. It's one of the benefits of being a grown-up.

I'd try to accommodate his insomnia - because that's just considerate behaviour - but that would go no further than taking off my shoes at the door and sleeping in the spare room.

His insomnia? His problem.

I certainly wouldn't arrange my social life around a bloke with a sleeping/control issue.

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