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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to go out late when DH won't get to sleep until I get home?

45 replies

HiImBarryScott · 23/07/2014 12:30

DH is a bit of an insomniac. Sometimes it takes him ages to get to sleep; sometimes he is awake for ages in the middle of the night. When I go out in the evening, he cannot relax and get to sleep until I get in as he is aware that I will come to bed at some point and disturb him.

I went out last night, had a few drinks with a friend and was home at 11:30. Stopped to have a snack in the kitchen and was hassled by him to get to bed. He was cross I was in late and he couldn't get to sleep. I'm going out again tonight and will probably be home about the same time. I feel like the same will happen again tonight.

I know it is a problem for him and he is a bit stressed at work right now, but am I really being selfish and unreasonable to go out 2 nights in a row until 11:30? I have offered to sleep in the spare room so he doesn't get disturbed. He doesn't go out during the week (his choice), but I sleep like a log so it wouldn't annoy me anyway.

OP posts:

Sabrinnnnnnnna · 23/07/2014 18:41

YANBU -my poor dh has similar sleep problems, and I always disturb him if I go to bed later than him, no matter how quietly I creep in.

Added to that, if I go out, the dog won't rest until I'm back stupid mutt and barks if he switches off and goes up before I'm back

Poor love has hardly ever never complained about it much.

I don't think 11.30 is very late at all for a night out.

NellyNoodle1 · 23/07/2014 18:48

I can't sleep very well at the moment but wouldn't control what my DP does - often I get to sleep about 4pm and he gets up at 5.30am so usually wakes me but that's my problem - he has to go to work - he as considerate as he can be. If he goes out (doesn't often) I'm not bothered if he wakes me up and vice versa.

Not being able to sleep does make you irritable and crabby but no reason to tell you you can't go out - especially as you have a spare room (we haven't).

Tell him to go to the Drs.

NellyNoodle1 · 23/07/2014 18:48

4am that was!

thedancingbear · 23/07/2014 18:49

Those people saying this is a control issue are being daft; there's nothing in the original post to suggest this is any more than a sleep issue. And whilst the OP is of course entitled to go out late, it's also a problem if her partner is having to go to work in a sleep-deprived state

I struggle to get to sleep if my DP is out late, and invariably get woken up at the end of the evening too. I find the best option is to completely cocoon myself in the spare room - single bed, pitch black, earplugs in.

ICanSeeTheSun · 23/07/2014 19:18

Has he been to a doctor for the insomnia.

littlewhitebag · 23/07/2014 19:18

I don't sleep well and hear anyone coming in the house. My DD1 works as a waitress and comes home at all hours. I just accept that is the way it is. I certainly don't get all worked up about it.

DH often comes to bed after me and disturbs me but i don't set his bedtime. He is an adult. 11.30 really is not late.

Just sleep in the spare room and let him have a grump.

SocialMediaAddict · 23/07/2014 21:36

I thought you were going to say you got in at 6am.

Ridiculous. And when was 11.30 getting in late?!

Mim78 · 23/07/2014 21:41

No one on earth sleeps so badly that this should be an issue. If he is that bad surely a million other things will also disturb him.

This is controlling and weird IMO

RiverTam · 23/07/2014 21:45

well, I can't sleep if I'm waiting for DH to come home, I don't know why, I just lie away, jumping and twitching at every sound, thinking it's him coming home. Earplugs don't work for me. But 11.30 isn't late, and anyway, it's my problem (normally I only get irritated if he hasn't rung to say he's going to be very late back).

GreenerthanGrass · 23/07/2014 22:03

I'm an insomniac and find it difficult to sleep if Dh comes in late. I'd like to think I'd never stop him going out for that reason but do have some sympathy with him. I might be a bit annoyed if it was regularly a few nights in a row. It's horrible not sleeping. And dh is understanding of the situation and would be unlikely to do it regularly tbh

bubalou · 23/07/2014 22:12

Have had the same with my husband and he has to deal with it.

He goes out a lot and I have to deal with it. It's not my problem - he will have to get used to it.

apermanentheadache · 23/07/2014 22:21

"No one on earth sleeps so badly that this should be an issue"
Thank your lucky, lucky stars you've never had insomnia. It can be utterly life-destroying.

One thing insomniacs try and do is to control their sleeping environment down to every last detail.

Having said that, of course YADNBU, OP. The kindest thing you could do for DH is not to give in to his demands, but get him to go to the GP. There are effective ways of tackling insomnia (and I don't mean sleeping pills).

Picklepest · 23/07/2014 22:22

Are you 18?

LittleBearPad · 23/07/2014 22:23

11.30 isn't late. He's being a bit stroppy.

weatherall · 23/07/2014 22:26

Omg! You do realise this is abusive don't you?

You are an adult, you can come and go from your own home as you please!

If he has insomnia that is his problem. It is his responsibility to sort it. His insomnia is not your responsibility. It sounds like he is using it as a cover to control you.

Is he controlling in other ways?

Do you have DCs? Joint assets?

Does he not like you spending time with your friends? Does he get unreasonably jealous? These are all red flags.

What do you think his reacti

weatherall · 23/07/2014 22:26

Reaction would be if you confronted him?

whois · 23/07/2014 22:29

Did he say why you sleeping in the spare room wasn't an option?

Original poster

HiImBarryScott · 24/07/2014 10:53

Thanks for all your posts. I didn't think I was being unreasonable, but I did just want to check how others would deal with this - especially those that have insomnia (I sleep like a log so no idea what it's like).

Update is that I went out last night & he texted at 10:30 to see when I'd be home. Told him I'd be home at 11:30 and he said he'd hopefully be asleep. No other comments.

I think he's basically stressed and just needs a few good nights sleep. It's not a control issue (we have joint accounts, he does his share with kids & house, he's not jealous etc). I think I'll suggest to him that I sleep in the spare room when I go out later than when he goes to bed. And that he goes to the GP if this sleeping problem keeps on. Off on holiday next week so hoping a week of relaxation will help.

OP posts:

apermanentheadache · 24/07/2014 10:59

Weatherall, your post is a touch on the hysterical side. It sounds to me like someone who is having awful problems sleeping and is in a state of panic about it . Insomnia is often allied with mental illness such as anxiety disorders and depression.

Barry, you sound totally reasonable and I hope your holiday is relaxing and allows you all to get some sleep :) The spare room suggestion sounds very sensible to me.

rhubarbcrumbleplease · 24/07/2014 11:04

DH & I have an unwritten rule.
If one of us goes out midweek & the bedroom light is off when we get in then it's straight to the spare room.
Of course I don't switch my light off when I hear his car coming down the track, never

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