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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be hurt that I never get an ounce of sympathy from DH if I'm ill?

78 replies

footnerfan · 22/07/2014 16:27

Just want to start by saying that I'm rarely ill, however I've been unwell for the past few days. It started with a migraine at the weekend and I now have a horrible virus that both DCs had a couple of weeks ago. I feel horrible, and it's an effort to just put one foot in front of the other. Luckily I work part time from home so I've been able to take a few days' off work.

The problem is DH. He never gives me any sympathy at all if I feel unwell. If I ever say I feel ill he just doesn't reply to me. I think it's because he doesn't want to have to do anything in the house and with the DCs so he thinks if he doesn't acknowledge it then I'll just carry on. He knows full well that I'm not feeling very well this week but hasn't once answered me when I've mentioned it, and won't do a thing to help out. He is always the same but for me this time is the straw that broke the camel's back. I am absolutely exhausted today and in all honesty I should be in bed, but it will be up to me to do teatime, tidying up, bathtime, homework and everything else, so I can't.

When I had our youngest child DH said I could have a couple of days of sitting doing nothing then I had to just get on with it. And he meant it. After 2 days he just left everything to me even though I was recovering from a PPH and then severe mastitis. And once a few years ago I had a stomach bug and DH kept saying that it was all in the mind and that I needed to make the effort to feel better. I only stayed in bed for one day!

AIBU to be hurt and feel totally unloved and neglected?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/07/2014 17:07

Can he explain why, when he is sick he doesn't have to do anything, when you are sick you still have to do everything and when you are both sick, you have to do everything? Because the only explanation I can come up with is that you aren't important and he is.

DH has a weird relationship with illness because of his narc father. He is ALWAYS sick when I am sick. It drives me round the twist. However, he sucks it up and parents; does the chores that need to be done and isn't a shit about it. Because we are equally important in this house.

Viviennemary · 22/07/2014 17:13

It's a difficult one. I never give DH sympathy when he thinks he's ill. So I never get any. So it's swings and roundabouts. If he had something serious then of course I'd worry and be sympathetic and vice versa. But ordinary aches and pains I don't want to know.

I agree it isn't sympathy you need. It's for him to pull his weight and help around the house. Whether you are ill or not.

HowYaLikeThemApples · 22/07/2014 17:15

What's he like pitching in with family life when you're not ill?

HecatePropylaea · 22/07/2014 17:15

he sounds insufferable.

Daffy123 · 22/07/2014 17:16

Why have a second baby with this tool?

Ilovenewts · 22/07/2014 17:17

No idea why you just don't leave him to it. My mum used to do this. Being a martyr. She's whine about how ill she was but would never actually go to bed so to be honest I grew up thinking she was putting it on for attention. To be honest I suspect I was right.

Although I'm sure my dad would have helped without throwing a tantrum unlike your husband by the sound of it.

Ilovenewts · 22/07/2014 17:21

I don't mean to sound insensitive but if you are I'll just go to bed. He will have to deal with it then. Problem solved.

bakingaddict · 22/07/2014 17:21

Phone a takeaway for the kids and get yourself to bed. Don't brook any argument and stand up for yourself a bit more. If you expect to be treated like a doormat then that's what will occur unless you put in place measures to stop it happening

arethereanyleftatall · 22/07/2014 17:24

Can you just go to bed, and absolutely point blank refuse to come out? Leave him to do everything with the dc, even if it means crisps for tea at 9pm. They'll bd fine. If you think he'll go out and leave you to it, then you go out to a friends with no kids, or a hotel, and leave him to it.

Andcake · 22/07/2014 17:26

Agree - just stop go to bed! the more you struggle on the more he will think your not that ill or that you are coping.
I did this recently I just said i' i feel dreadful' i'm going to bed - it was the weekend Dp went 'really' in a bit of a grumpy tone - and I said something along the lines of 'yes i'm clearly doing this to ruin your afternoon - I don't want to feel this ill' and DP suddenly was running around sorting the toddlers tea and much more sympathetic - whilst I was recovering in bed!

mumtosome61 · 22/07/2014 17:28

I'm trying to be objective here, but I can't - he sounds like a prick who wants the world to revolve around him and his needs. I never say LTB, but unless he has a good or even understandable reason for being such an utter shit to you and your children, I really don't see how you can call it a relationship. I suspect it goes far beyond just him lacking in sympathy for an illness and if it does, don't put up with it.

My DP isn't sympathetic really, ever - but even he know the basic etiquette of how not to be a prick when I'm ill.

KnackeredMuchly · 22/07/2014 17:29

LTB.

Humansatnav · 22/07/2014 17:34

What a tool ! Tell him you are going to bed then go.

Rabbitcar · 22/07/2014 17:38

Wow OP, how appalling. That's not how it should work, we both look after each other if one of us is ill, and do all the chores etc.. Go to bed now and then when you're stronger, have a serious think about how he is treating you. Thanks

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 22/07/2014 17:57

Excellent, he's a hypocrite as well.

BrewsterBabies · 22/07/2014 17:57

We're not married to the same man are we lol your post sounds identical to my husband .
I don't get ill often but when I am it's pretty bad and I need rest . He gives me no sympathy all I get Is o for fuck sake because it means he has to get off his arse and take care of the kids when he gets home from work .

he has it so easy as I do everything he's never cooked me a meal or touched a iron in 12 years . 2days after giving birth to my youngest he had the cheek to have the hump with me and say the house is a mess you ain't bothered to do any housework I was in shock when I heard that .
He only thinks of himself and not the fact id just had a baby I felt like someone had booted me in the crutch and every time I stood up it was like the flood gates had opened all being stopped by a massive mattress of a panty pad between me legs I could hardly move . God help him when he gets I'll there will be 0 sympathy from me .

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 22/07/2014 17:58

How about, "Just like you were on Sunday, I am too ill to sort the kids tonight. You need to do it. And if you stomp around and sulk, I'm going to a travelodge and then you'll need to do the morning as well."

BrewsterBabies · 22/07/2014 18:03

Just wanted to ask does he have any form of OCD as my husband does have it a bit wouldn't say its full blown but it's gradually getting worse that makes it 20times worse if something's not done As I don't hear the end of it . I'm at home do the housework the house is immaculate kids have there dinner before he gets home I clean up what does he do when he comes in fucking vacuums the kitchen floor even tho I've already done it then he will do it again after we have eaten our dinner it drives me mad lol .

oxfordmumma1 · 22/07/2014 18:12

Take yourself off to be op and leave him to get on with it. Hope you are better soon.

hamptoncourt · 22/07/2014 18:19

Please just go to bed and let him sort it.

Otherwise you will just come over as a martyr and nobody likes martyrs

So what if he strops? Seriously?

hels71 · 22/07/2014 18:21

Are you me? My DH is very similar. I get very little sympathy when i am ill, the odd "are you ok" but certainly no help yet if he is ill well...........the world has to stop. Also if I am ill you can guarantee within 24 hours he will need to be in bed he is so ill. In his sort of defence he does suffer from depression, but I have fibromyalgia and really suffer some days. Although he was good for about 4 weeks after DD was born...

Topaz25 · 22/07/2014 20:18

Effectively you are already functioning as a single mother, doing the lion's share of the childcare and housework even when you're ill. What are you getting out of this relationship? Why are you with him? If it's for the children, it's not healthy for them to see their mum being treated like this.

Topaz25 · 22/07/2014 20:20

I was prepared to give him the benefit of the doubt that he might just struggle with sickness and sympathy, till I read:

"When I had our youngest child DH said I could have a couple of days of sitting doing nothing then I had to just get on with it. And he meant it. After 2 days he just left everything to me even though I was recovering from a PPH and then severe mastitis."

That is not at all normal or understandable. Those are not the actions of a loving partner and father.

expatinscotland · 22/07/2014 20:23

Doing one's fair share is not 'helping out'.

He's a twat.

Mumof3xox · 22/07/2014 20:24

I never get sympathy from my dp

I have a lot of pain with my back / pelvis and now am getting it in my knees too. I affects me at the end of the day, when walking far or uphill and when lying down.

He does a lot of moaning about me moaning. I don't think I moan. I take a while to get comfy and often take painkillers at bedtime.

But yeh he says I'm a hypochondriac and that there's always something I am moaning about

Doesn't he sound a joy

I need to get seen by my gp tbh and get a diagnosis of what's wrong with me and shove it in his face

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