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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay with my DH until DS finishes cancer treatment?

31 replies

Neenerneener · 21/07/2014 20:53

Things have not been good between me and DH since I became pregnant with DS1. His behaviour changed to him being extremely possessive and controlling, and he has physically prevented me from leaving the house, etc. on several occasions. I suffered PND after DS1 and DH used this as an excuse to belittle me and my parental abilities, running me down and talking my friends and family down until I had no one left in my life. He manipulated me into having DS2 by promising he would change but if anything, he got worse. I was very poorly after having DS2 and he never helped me. His aggression got worse, falling out with neighbours, friends, getting into arguments with people wherever he went, and being increasingly confrontational with me, and shouty with our boys. I'd finally had enough and was making plans to leave when DS1 was diagnosed with leukaemia. His treatment will take three years. DH is devastated, but has so far all but abandoned me to look after DS1 in hospital because he 'can't cope'. AIBU to put off my plans to leave until treatment has finished? I don't want to be alone through all this, but also don't know if I can cope with DH's behaviour any longer - especially right now...

OP posts:
brokenhearted55a · 21/07/2014 20:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

greenfolder · 21/07/2014 20:57

what a dreadful position to be in. i doubt any of us have been there. i suppose the holding position is what will be the line of least resistance for now? would leaving DH make things better or worse? could you cope in terms of money, childcare (wrong word) and the rest?

kinkyfuckery · 21/07/2014 20:58

Do whatever you need to do. So sorry about your DS

Original poster
Neenerneener · 21/07/2014 20:59

You're right, Broken - it does feel that way. I do see my parents and brother and sister now and then but DH has made it so difficult that it is difficult to have a meaningful relationship with anyone.
I just don't know what to do - DS1 and DS2 have enough to cope with right now; would it just be ridiculously selfish of me to take them away from their dad?

OP posts:
mumof5plusazoo · 21/07/2014 21:00

I'm sorry to hear about your ds, I hope the treatment goes well.

As far as your h, sorry don't think he's d, I think you may well find it emotionally at least lot easier on your own without his rubbish to deal with.

Original poster
Neenerneener · 21/07/2014 21:00

Thank you, Kinky, just so confused...

OP posts:
rootypig · 21/07/2014 21:01

YANBU to do whatever you need to do. But is staying in this relationship going to be harder for you? Don't do it for him.

So sorry for you and your DS Thanks

micah · 21/07/2014 21:02

If you left him though would that open the door to reconnect with family and friends?

Sounds like you would have more support if you left him, not less.

Sorry about your DS. Good luck with his treatment.

rootypig · 21/07/2014 21:02

Cross post, sorry. Your DSes will benefit most from you being in emotional good health.

5OBalesofHay · 21/07/2014 21:02

Make him move out?

wimblehorse · 21/07/2014 21:03

Agree you need to decide what will make life best for YOU. You are the one supporting ds through his illness & should do whatever will help you to do that the best - whether that's leaving dh or sticking with status quo
Best wishes

Original poster
Neenerneener · 21/07/2014 21:04

Thanks Greenfolder. I think the saving grace at the moment is that because DS1 is so poorly, DH seems to be behaving better...at least for now. Thank you, too mumof5, I guess I use 'DH' just because that's the standard abbreviation on here! It would be easier not being on tenter hooks all the time and just being able to focus on the boys.

OP posts:
SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 21/07/2014 21:06

I was prepared to say, 'Yes, stay until the end of treatment' (so sorry your son is going through that btw) but only if I'd have read something like 'Things haven't been great between me and my DH and I want to leave, but our son is going through cancer treatment and we are both working really hard to be there for him at hospital visits and to keep things ticking over at home for our other son'.

Instead, you're practically alone anyway. His physical presence isn't adding anything in the way of support, so what would you get out of it by staying until the treatment is over? You wouldn't be taking your sons away from their father - he's done that himself with his inexcusable behaviour towards their mum.

Labtest7 · 21/07/2014 21:06

What an awful situation. My own daughter finished treatment for leukaemia 10 months ago. She is 7 now. The initial treatment is tough but hopefully things will reach a more even keel when you get to maintenance and you may be in a better position to make a decision about your marriage. For now I would take whichever course of action causes you the least stress

Original poster
Neenerneener · 21/07/2014 21:07

Thanks all. Sadly asking him to leave is put of the question - everything is in his name, and part of the 'control' he has built up is financial - I have nothing. I know my family and friends would rally but in all truth I am scared of what my partner would do, given his outbursts in the past...

OP posts:
BumpNGrind · 21/07/2014 21:07

Three years is a long time and it seems that you will be alone whether you are 'with' your husband or not.

If you have some support from friends or family, take it. I can imagine your strength reserves are pretty low right now but you leaving your husband wont impact on your ds's prognosis. You being a happy, loving mother with time, energy and love will. Put your own happiness first for a bit and then you can support others.

I hope everything with your ds goes fantastically well.

Itsfab · 21/07/2014 21:09

I suspect if you get rid of the useless abuser you will have no end of friends and family to help and support you so you won't need this useless piece of crap any way.

I am sorry your son is ill and hope he makes a full recovery.

And as for taking away their dad. He took their mum from them as he stopped her being who she is.

Original poster
Neenerneener · 21/07/2014 21:09

Thank you, Labtest - I hope your daughter is doing well. It's helpful to hear that treatment gets a bit easier - it's so full on at the moment, hate seeing my joy go through this, and I'm so worried about the effect of my absence on my other son

OP posts:
Original poster
Neenerneener · 21/07/2014 21:12

Thank you bumpngrind & its fab - it's been a while since I thought that way, about myself and about being myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
Neenerneener · 21/07/2014 21:13

Thank you, too, rootypig x

OP posts:
MrsCumbersnatch · 21/07/2014 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Deverethemuzzler · 21/07/2014 21:17

Sweetheart,

I have been through leukemia treatment with a child.
Being with a partner like yours will NOT make it easier for you.

You need people around you who will help you, practically and emotionally.
You need all your energy to deal with what is happening to your little boy.

You do not have any spare to cope with an abusive partner.

Make the most of the help available to parents of children with cancer to continue with your plans. Clic Sargent have social workers and you can get grants from various charities. You will also be able to get DLA and carers allowance for your son.

It may not be practical to leave whilst your DS is on the intensive phase of his treatment but things do get easier.

I wish all the strength you need to get through this Flowers

AnotherGirlsParadise · 21/07/2014 21:19

I know my family and friends would rally but in all truth I am scared of what my partner would do, given his outbursts in the past...

I say this with nothing but love, I promise I'm not being facetious. Fuck your H. Fuck him. Get him OUT of your lives. There is every chance that he will use this dreadful situation as a means to control you even further (he certainly sounds capable of something so despicable), and right now, you and your kids need all the support you can get.

Get in touch with Women's Aid, or Refuge. Contact the police on the non emergency number for advice. Tell them about your situation, see what they advise. Shake off this vile man's poisonous influence and let your family back in - they'll be of far more value to you and your DCs than that man-child.

I absolutely understand the fear - I came out of a very similar relationship myself a couple of years ago. I thought I'd never manage to leave, but I did. This man is incapable of being there for you or his children, and you all deserve MUCH more than this. Find strength in your family, know that the law is on your side, and you'll get through this.

All my love to you and your little ones xx

AnotherGirlsParadise · 21/07/2014 21:20

And as for taking away their dad. He took their mum from them as he stopped her being who she is.

I couldn't have put this better myself. Very well said.

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/07/2014 21:24

" His aggression got worse, falling out with neighbours, friends, getting into arguments with people wherever he went, and being increasingly confrontational with me, and shouty with our boys. "

"would it just be ridiculously selfish of me to take them away from their dad?"

Perhaps, given the kind of person your husband is, it could be considered selfish not to take the away from him Sad? He's pushed away your family, but that sounds reversible? ( "I know my family and friends would rally" )

As for "everything is in his name, and part of the 'control' he has built up is financial - I have nothing." - might it be worth getting some advice on that, perhaps from Women's Aid or a solicitor? I've seen it mentioned on here many times that some solicitors offer a free half-hour consultation. Or perhaps ask on the legal board here, there are some very clued-up people here.