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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be fuming and stewing over MIL's malice and rudeness towards me...

94 replies

queensansastark · 21/07/2014 16:48

Think I'll feel better after I've vented on here and written it all down.

My relationship with Mil has always been strained since 12 years ago. It really is toxic, each time we've met I have ended up fuming and stewing for ages. It is one of those whatever I do or don't do, say or don't say is taken the wrong way, anything that goes wrong would be my fault and she would make a point of disapproving and disrespecting anything that I say I liked...for whatever reason, I think she fundamentally cannot deal with someone who is very different to her (I'm not the gushing, overtly emotional type, and not the sort of person who knows the right things to say in social occasions...DH thinks I am slightly aspergers).
I have always tried to remain civil and polite, we HAVE to interact for the sake of DH and Dd. The relationship has its bad and less bad phases, even though after each time we meet I always end up fuming, I make a conscious effort to wipe the slate clean each time and at the beginning believed that the relationship will get better. There were blips when I thought it was getting better and we have turned the corner, only to find that, as suspected, they were only blips and she returned to form with her rudeness and disrespect. Over the years, I have decided that it takes two and have given up hope on her ever changing, although I've decided to remain polite and civil.

Cut to last week, we had a week's holiday together in a holiday resort in Borneo - me, dh, dd, MIL and MIL's dh. This is the first one since 5 years ago in centreparcs when I said to dh that I'm never going on holiday with MIL again (and therefore MIL cannot holiday with her beloved Gd) until she behaves herself. I was dragging me feet about booking this holiday, but DH somehow persuaded me that it would be a lovely thing to do as it is the last chance for us all to do Borneo (we live in Malaysia). We paid for the room and bills etc. for all of us for the week. Already, before the holiday, I was saying to DH "I hope your Mum behaves herself this time."

So, all through the week, it all seemed OK, she wasn't out and out rude and making sniping comments at me, the worst was her ignoring (or pretending not to hear) me when I tried to make small talk, and the clear disapproval and contempt her face showed (which I chose to ignore) when I was being ultra careful with dd's sun protection (cream, hat, UV vest, avoiding noon time..)......dd fries in minutes in the equatorial sunshine which she is exposed to daily...MIL is a sun worshipper who is hungry for sunshine having just arrived from the UK. We did the beach, the pool and jungle walks accompanied by lots of mosquitoes.

After a week in Borneo, when we all returned to our home, MIL needed DH to sort out the Wi-Fi password for her Tablet plus other techy things, in doing so, DH caught glimpses of the email exchanges between MIL and SIL ....and he is now fuming as well...

Basically, MIL was bitching about me looking like a tramp on holiday with my clothes for the beach and jungle, that I looked liked I "didn't have two pennies to rub together", that I dressed dd like a tramp with scruffy clothes when we went for the jungle walk (she wore a green ranger polo t-shirt, and tracksuit bottoms so that she is covered from the mosquitoes)....that I was "RIDICULOUS" about the sunshine and suncream (she got burnt, dd didn't).

MIL bitched to her daughter about me showing utter contempt for my parenting and what I wore/am, in a perverse way that I think bonds the two of them closer together as some sort of common thing to bitch about iyswim....If ANO could shed like on how the psychology of that works, please enlighten me...She did this, after she has stayed with us in our home, eating my cooking and us having paid for the week's holiday (she paid for the flight to Malaysia).

There is a whole story behind DH 's fall out with SIL over SIL's contesting of deceased FIL's (exH of MIL) will which I shan't go into (by 3rd party adjudicator, it is now settled, and SIL's contest failed). But basically MIL was siding with SIL in the fall out.

Well, thanks for reading this far...not sure what I expect out of this really...I guess WWYD...and I'm still bl@@dy fuming and getting more angry the more I think about it....

OP posts:
Original poster
queensansastark · 21/07/2014 19:58

Wine Hissy, come have some wine!!

Feel calmer and better already, MN is fantastic!

OP posts:
OneDreamOnly · 21/07/2014 20:03

I wuld also not be too worried about your dd not seeing as much of her. Having had a toxic relationship between my parents and my grand parents, I now I felt every little tension and stress during the times we saw them. I can still remember the feeling of uneasiness and I was about 6yo.... That didn't do me any good tbh But I did learn how to keep the peace and a low profile as a teenager. Not sure it's a good thing though

SweetSummerSweetPea · 21/07/2014 20:10

one dream...that sounds awful....

were there tensions when all in same room, did this happen often? did anyone explain why there were tensions

Hissy · 21/07/2014 20:11

Oh MN is the best, that's for sure!

Thanks for the wine, anything you want me to bring over, just say? :)

MaryWestmacott · 21/07/2014 20:18

SweetSummerSweetPea is right - everything will be your fault no matter what. It will never be her fault.

I don't think you should confront her, because with people like this, it achieves nothing. She'll respond in a selection of ways, she might go on the attack about DH's 'snooping' - so the conversation will end up with him apologising for snooping and that be the problem. Or she'll say she didn't really mean it, and it's so hard with DH and SIL not getting on, and again, all DH's fault for snooping. Or she'll say she meant every word, and go on the attack at you again. Or she'll say something like "I can't do anything right." and look all sad, which is DH's que to start saying it's ok and making her feel better...

There's going to be "oh gosh, I'm so sorry." moment - people like this are never wrong and it's never their fault.

So rather, you and DH think about what you are going to do with this information. I'd say that you won't put any effort in anymore, so if DH wants his DD to have a relationship with his mother, he's got to arrange the skypes, e-mails, calls, visits. That you'll be civil and polite, and won't have a go at her about the e-mails, but that's as far as it goes.

It is unlikely she's going to be a lovely person for your DD to have in her life. It's also worth noting, that your DD learns about how adults interact from watching the adults around her. What sort of lessons do you think she's learning from watching MIL and you interact?

PrimalLass · 21/07/2014 20:22

I think your DH should be telling them that they are not welcome in your house again.

ChasedByBees · 21/07/2014 20:23

In view of recent events, I think any interactions from my side will be very perfunctory which I have no doubt she will perceive as rude...

This is why you need to make sure she knows why you are being perfunctory. You would not be rude to be offhand with someone so ungrateful and rude to you!

Ineedanewone · 21/07/2014 21:13

So You don't like her and have bitched about her on here , and maybe to RL friends too , she doesn't like you and has bitched about you to her daughter.
All I can see is 2 women who dislike each other but love 2 people in common.
What do want to happen? Exclude your DH and dd from her life so it will make yours easier?
Or just accept that you have a very significant connecti

Ineedanewone · 21/07/2014 21:15

Connection and somehow take the moral high ground?

oldgrandmama · 21/07/2014 21:16

OP,I will visit you in spirit ... I know Malaysia well, having spent a lot of time in the Far East with my darling late husband. And Borneo - he had a huge interest in Orang Utans, so we visited jungle there (Sabah) to see them in the wild - fabulous. I even got weed on from a young orang high up in the tree canopy, which apparently is huge good luck (though very smelly!)

But back to your problem - don't let it/them be a problem. You can cut them out of your and your dd's life. They're a pair of malign, nasty, spiteful witches.

YouGeorgeBernardMate · 21/07/2014 21:19

You don't "catch glimpses" of someone's email messages. You have to click on individual messages from the title and sender, don't you? Unless you have a different type of email access than me?

You don't deserve the insults and MIL is being unkind and ridiculous but reading someone else's private messages? Woah! That's not on and is sometimes asking for trouble,

mineofuselessinformation · 21/07/2014 21:38

YGBM, some email systems show the first part of the message....

MaryWestmacott · 21/07/2014 21:53

If she has a viewing pane, then yes, you'll see the message without having to open them. My work e-mails used to be set up like that.

Original poster
queensansastark · 23/07/2014 16:34

Today, MIL has written a gushing thank you email about the stay and the holiday to DH, and I think DH's attitude is softening.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 23/07/2014 16:41

Two-faced manipulative twunt.

ohfourfoxache · 23/07/2014 16:45

Sounds like she suspects that DH knows.....

emotionsecho · 23/07/2014 16:46

Well I wonder what prompted that, her dh telling her that your dh may have seen her e-mails?

Remind your dh about the e-mails between her and SIL, and how two faced she is being?

If his attitude softens I think you will just have to make a decision on how you want to deal with your MIL and also what you want for your dd, then inform your dh what you have decided and leave it up to him as to how he proceeds.

tiggerkid · 23/07/2014 16:49

At least dh is on your side, that's half the battle won

Couldn't agree more. There is nothing worse than DH or DP saying things like I am sure it's all in your mind or no, mum loves you like her own daughter, which also happens.

I do think that your MIL is out of order. Surely, whatever maternal jealousy she felt to start with, 12 years more than enough to start making amends with herself and accept you as a family member even if she doesn't agree with everything you do.

Original poster
queensansastark · 23/07/2014 17:00

I don't think she suspects, the email is just her style I believe.

It is manipulative and two faced though.

I think she wants to carry on behaving badly and disrespecting me with no consequences, and to isolate me and me alone from DH and dd (as I'm the only one suffering from her behaviour) and keep relationship with DH and DD, because the easy option (for DH) here is to do nothing, pretend it never happened and for me to suck it up.

The only way to bring about any consequences to MIL is to have dd and dh go NC with MIL as well as myself which DH understandably doesn't want to do. To bring it to a head and insist that we, as a family, stop contact with MIL will not be easy. If only I go NC, she gets exactly what she wants - cuts me out and keeps relationship with Dd and DH.....I'm not happy about this scenario.....but for the other scenario to happen, I would have to be the one who insists on it, and then it's all my fault again isn't it.

I hope I'm making sense.

OP posts:
Nomama · 23/07/2014 17:09

Oh, you are making sense. You need to balance your needs with the likelihood that DH will be able to / want to cut contact and not to give her what you suspect she really wants and,most especially, not to be the bad guy!

I take it your DH can't write an email like the one I suggested upthread - mine couldn't either, but you can always hope Smile

Rock : Hard Place [Grrr]

GemmaWella81 · 23/07/2014 17:19

Yabu/yanbu...... Undecided

So she can't bitch to her own daughter about someone who clearly dislikes her, but you have free reign to slam her unopposed online to strangers.

It would be interesting to hear other sides to this sorry tale.

mrsmalcolmreynolds · 23/07/2014 17:27

Gemma making extremely personal comments to a fellow family member is hardly the same as venting a bit online, especially when (for want of a less childish phrase) the MIL started it!

I don't really think that the OP is "slamming" her MIL is she? Yes what she says is one-sided but how can it be otherwise? The OP's original description of the relationship and indeed what happened on holiday is pretty factual - certainly not bitchy. The MIL's email comments on the other hand are really unpleasant.

Original poster
queensansastark · 23/07/2014 17:29

Yes, there's always another side to the story, that's a given.

ATM no, she is not my favourite person, does that mean I dislike her and have always disliked her? No. And will I always dislike her, well that depends ....I don't consider what I'm doing here anonymously with no harm to anyone's relationships as bitching in the same level as what she was doing. If we disagree about that than we disagree about that.

OP posts:
GemmaWella81 · 23/07/2014 17:41

It doesn't matter who she would've been bitching to, you would of been just as angry whoever it was. It's just this time you've caught her in the act so to speak, I'm sure she'd go nuclear if she'd discovered or overheard some of the bitching you've done in the past too. People bitch about others all the time, it's just rare we catch it happening.

By all means go nuclear, cut her out, invoke the wrath of the gods.....you still won't get a happy ending.

I'd call her out on it and get her to spit it out, rather than hiding behind others to pass on your displeasure.

MaryWestmacott · 23/07/2014 17:42

thing is, you said earlier that it's you that facilitates the contact between your MIL and DD, you are the one who arranges skypes and things. Stop that, and effectively, you'll be stopping her contact with your DD. Your DH will have to make the effort himself.

I think as well, the e-mails are enough to justify you stopping making any effort towards your MIL when discussing it with your DH and also for refusing any joint holidays.