To be fuming and stewing over MIL's malice and rudeness towards me...

[queensansastark]

Think I'll feel better after I've vented on here and written it all down.

My relationship with Mil has always been strained since 12 years ago. It really is toxic, each time we've met I have ended up fuming and stewing for ages. It is one of those whatever I do or don't do, say or don't say is taken the wrong way, anything that goes wrong would be my fault and she would make a point of disapproving and disrespecting anything that I say I liked...for whatever reason, I think she fundamentally cannot deal with someone who is very different to her (I'm not the gushing, overtly emotional type, and not the sort of person who knows the right things to say in social occasions...DH thinks I am slightly aspergers).
I have always tried to remain civil and polite, we HAVE to interact for the sake of DH and Dd. The relationship has its bad and less bad phases, even though after each time we meet I always end up fuming, I make a conscious effort to wipe the slate clean each time and at the beginning believed that the relationship will get better. There were blips when I thought it was getting better and we have turned the corner, only to find that, as suspected, they were only blips and she returned to form with her rudeness and disrespect. Over the years, I have decided that it takes two and have given up hope on her ever changing, although I've decided to remain polite and civil.

Cut to last week, we had a week's holiday together in a holiday resort in Borneo - me, dh, dd, MIL and MIL's dh. This is the first one since 5 years ago in centreparcs when I said to dh that I'm never going on holiday with MIL again (and therefore MIL cannot holiday with her beloved Gd) until she behaves herself. I was dragging me feet about booking this holiday, but DH somehow persuaded me that it would be a lovely thing to do as it is the last chance for us all to do Borneo (we live in Malaysia). We paid for the room and bills etc. for all of us for the week. Already, before the holiday, I was saying to DH "I hope your Mum behaves herself this time."

So, all through the week, it all seemed OK, she wasn't out and out rude and making sniping comments at me, the worst was her ignoring (or pretending not to hear) me when I tried to make small talk, and the clear disapproval and contempt her face showed (which I chose to ignore) when I was being ultra careful with dd's sun protection (cream, hat, UV vest, avoiding noon time..)......dd fries in minutes in the equatorial sunshine which she is exposed to daily...MIL is a sun worshipper who is hungry for sunshine having just arrived from the UK. We did the beach, the pool and jungle walks accompanied by lots of mosquitoes.

After a week in Borneo, when we all returned to our home, MIL needed DH to sort out the Wi-Fi password for her Tablet plus other techy things, in doing so, DH caught glimpses of the email exchanges between MIL and SIL ....and he is now fuming as well...

Basically, MIL was bitching about me looking like a tramp on holiday with my clothes for the beach and jungle, that I looked liked I "didn't have two pennies to rub together", that I dressed dd like a tramp with scruffy clothes when we went for the jungle walk (she wore a green ranger polo t-shirt, and tracksuit bottoms so that she is covered from the mosquitoes)....that I was "RIDICULOUS" about the sunshine and suncream (she got burnt, dd didn't).

MIL bitched to her daughter about me showing utter contempt for my parenting and what I wore/am, in a perverse way that I think bonds the two of them closer together as some sort of common thing to bitch about iyswim....If ANO could shed like on how the psychology of that works, please enlighten me...She did this, after she has stayed with us in our home, eating my cooking and us having paid for the week's holiday (she paid for the flight to Malaysia).

There is a whole story behind DH 's fall out with SIL over SIL's contesting of deceased FIL's (exH of MIL) will which I shan't go into (by 3rd party adjudicator, it is now settled, and SIL's contest failed). But basically MIL was siding with SIL in the fall out.

Well, thanks for reading this far...not sure what I expect out of this really...I guess WWYD...and I'm still bl@@dy fuming and getting more angry the more I think about it....

[queensansastark]

@Margot..DH didn't read the whole email in all their bitchy glory, he caught glimpses of it as he was navigating through various settings and screens...DH and MIL's husband were both sat there...I was at the other side of the house. MIL's husband didn't say anything, no sure he was aware of what was happening.

Don't know if MIL knows or maybe suspects.

DH will be approaching MIL I think...how, I don't know, not sure she is one for open upfront sort of talk tbh.

@Nomama...I try to minimse contact already, there'd be times when I get dd to Skype them and they could clearly see me walking away from the PC having got Skype to work, without even saying hello....which is awkward and might seem rude...but I made a conscious decision to do this, after one time, when I unexpectedly "photobombed" dd's Skype session (had to walk past the camera to get from one end of house to the other); waved, smiled and said a cheery "hello" and all I (instinctly) got back from MIL was a rolling of eyes, taking of deep breath, and looking away at the ceiling.....DH thought (or wanted to believe) that I was imagining it.

[MintyChops]

That is so horrible, she sounds vile. Has your DH told her he saw the emails and if so how did that conversation go?

[MintyChops]

Sorry, just saw she doesn't know yet.....

[emotionsecho]

I don't know how you managed to maintain any sort of relationship with your MIL for so long OP she sounds vile.

Your dd does not need to have a relationship with someone who treats her mother with such utter contempt.

I hope your DH does speak/confront her about it, tough if she doesn't like upfront talk she will just have to listen then won't she?

As for you, just don't bother with her in any way, shape or form any more and don't even let what she may be thinking of you or saying about you cross your radar, her opinion of you is not worth anything, it's as irrelevant as she is.

[oldgrandmama]

Honestly, I'd have nothing to do with her again. Or your SIL. OK, MIL and your DD get one but ... as your DD gets older, who knows what poison this horrible, toxic woman will drip into her ear? Were it me, there'd be no more contact. Your DH may wish to maintain contact with the miserable bitch, but you don't have to. Bloody cheek of it, when you'd paid for their stay in Borneo, welcomed them to your home. Make sure that's the LAST EVER time they stay with you.

[queensansastark]

As we live overseas atm, we see them twice a year.

Back in the UK, we lived 3 hours drive away from each other.

In view of recent events, I think any interactions from my side will be very perfunctory which I have no doubt she will perceive as rude, and so the toxicity and negative spiral continues...

[ithoughtofitfirst]

This could have been written by me. My MIL thinks all those things about me, my parenting, my weight (im a size 10 fwiw) the things I say, the things I don't say.

You don't need this shit OP. I'd consider going no contact for a while so she can stew on what a poisonous little rat scrotum she is.

[Strokethefurrywall]

Well if it's going to be perceived as rude in any event, you may as well be very open, and very honest and tell her in no uncertain terms, that she's a vile bitch and she's no longer welcome in your home.

At least if she's going to be toxic, you know you won't have to interact with her. And your daughter doesn't need a relationship with such a horrible person.

Your poor husband

[queensansastark]

ithoughtofitfirst Gosh, I'm not the only one....but what's wrong with them and why are they like that FFS?

[queensansastark]

But she is capable of being perfectly pleasant to other people.

[Iownathreeinchferrari]

Do nothing for them. No contact, no starting Skype, no chats. Let DH keep contact if he wants to

[hamptoncourt]

What iowna said - do not initiate anything.

She cannot complain if you ignore her. Let DH deal with it. No messages/emails/skyping.

As Attilla always says, if she is too toxic for you then she is too toxic for your DD.

Don't waste your time thinking about what is wrong with them, you may never know. Just keep yourself and DD safe by interacting as little as possible. If you are really lucky she will take offence and go NC with you

[YouTheCat]

If she wants to skype with your dd then your dh will have to facilitate. If he can't be bothered then she is missing out because of her own shitty behaviour.

Your dd won't be missing out. How long before she bad mouths you to your dd, or even starts blanking your dd if she doesn't fit in with what she wants?

[SweetSummerSweetPea]

so she can stew on what a poisonous little rat scrotum she is


one of best descriptions of a mil I have heard in a long time.


Op totally disengage, hopefully your DH will too.

IS it healthy or good your dd is exposed to two people who hate you this much>

ITS A CLASSIC dynamic jealous sil and mil hates dil/sil - classic.


you will never ever ever get them to like you, and you need to release yourself from the societal burden of feeling like they need to like you or should you be nice to them in the face of this.


Release yourself....no more....

[queensansastark]

Problem is DH works away from home most of the time.

"or even starts blanking your dd if she doesn't fit in with what she wants?"

^^ this is also a concern.

I think DD is not growing up to be as girly as MIL expects her to be....DD doesn't like overly pink, girly and flowery clothes.
As part of the stuff MIL brought over for us from the UK, I bought DD a blue spotted swim suit with a fish applique, which she loved and wore the whole time, but she refused to wear the bright pink Monsoon swimsuit MIL bought - it had ruffles/roses across the chest which would not lie flat under the UV vest and dd was very conscious of it. I think MIL took offense and took it as a slight which I had a hand in, rather than it being dd's choice and that I know my daughter better and so have a better chance of choosing things she'll like and wear.
MIL wasn't overly joyed when dd had her nose stuck in a book a lot of the time and hence wasn't making conversation (I think it's because I make it known I 'm glad that dd's a bit of a book worm), but didn't object when dd played with their Tablet for over an hour on the plane. MIL is very strange about education and all dd's achievements this year in music, sports and academics - maybe thinks I'm too much of a pushy mum....and so what even if I am?!

[SweetSummerSweetPea]

I think MIL took offense and took it as a slight which I had a hand in


Darling, every single little thing and big thing that MIL doesnt see as fitting in with her- will be put down to you. It was ever thus.

Her son doesnt call her - your fault, her son doesnt buy her presents, your fault, her son isnt looking well - your fault, her GD doesnt hug her and kiss her, your fault,

Everything is/has been and always be your fault. Every problem she has ever had with her own son, is now your fault.

Its MIL Law its what they get taught at training school.

[hamptoncourt]

Even better if DH is away, what are you worried about?

You have been busy, haven't got round to skyping.

Seriously they are toxic and this isn't your problem to deal with.

[emotionsecho]

OP, if your dh does talk to your MIL about this ask him to put it across that it is him that is upset and fuming about the way she treats his wife and the things she has written about you.

You, just completely ignore and take the position of "why would I be upset about anything you say or do MIL, I don't like you and don't care what you think of me".

Don't contact her, even on behalf of your dd, if she calls you and asks why just say "why would I bother/want to contact you?". As she is already showing signs of not approving of the way your dd is turning out I really would advise you to keep your dd away from her, or only allow short/limited exposure. If you only see them twice a year then I don't think your dd is losing anything, and if I were you I wouldn't even bother seeing them twice a year, certainly not have them stay in your home. If your dh wishes to maintain a relationship with his mother then he can contact her and arrange to visit her, without either you or dd, but after this latest episode I can't imagine he would want to. I'm actually surprised he remained in contact after his mother backed his sister against him, she should have remained impartial and not chosen one child over the other.

You are never going to be in your MIL's good books no matter what you do so stop trying.

[Hissy]

Too true, if H is away, then no skypes, no contact and demonstrable contempt and sarcasm to her. If she calls you out on it, deny, deny deny, and simply say she's mistaken!

Play the MIL right back on her!

Don't let her near your dd. Seriously! No good will come of it.

If the subject of a holiday is ever raised, just say to her, After the last times? Not a chance!

Fuck what she thinks!

[ithoughtofitfirst]

Agree with hampton that this is not your problem.

Nothing you say or do will ever be good enough. But it isn't your fault. These are her issues not yours. If she upsets you you have to ask yourself whether you really want to continue to have a relationship where neither of you stand to gain anything.. this is where I got to with mine. I just thought... what is the point?? You just get to a dead end eventually. That email conversation just bought you a one way ticket 'see you around fuckface!'

[oldgrandmama]

Er, I'm a MIL. May I be your unofficial one, OP? You sound lovely, so does your DD.

I'll enlarge on previous post - your MIL sounds a vile, horrible, destructive shitbag. Let her and her vile spawn (your SIL) stew in their own toxic juice, and give them up as a bad job. Your DH can keep contact if he must, but you and your DD don't have to.

[OnlyLovers]

Tell your DH to stand up for you.

Stop all contact with her. If she wants to Skype your DD, your DH can organise it. If she visits, he can entertain her. You're no longer under any obligation to even pretend to be civil, IMO.

[Slipshodsibyl]

I agree with Oldgrandmama. If the worst she can find to say about you is that your clothes are not smart enough and you fuss too much over sun cream, then she really is determined to find fault where there is none. Don't feel bad. She must be a miserable person.

[queensansastark]

"Er, I'm a MIL. May I be your unofficial one, OP? You sound lovely, so does your DD."

oldgrandmama, you sound like the MIL I've always wished for...you can come visit us in Malaysia any time!

[Hissy]

If you're looking for a new SIL...