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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think this is normal, dh doesn't (about toddler tantrums)

71 replies

Koothrapanties · 21/07/2014 11:04

Just wanted a quick poll.

Our neighbours dd (18m) throws big big tantrums every day. They can last anywhere from five minutes to hours. When it is hours, it will die down, then kick off again. She will scream and scream.

He is worried that the dd isn't being looked after properly and that is why she gets so upset. The mum doesn't do things as we do, but she's on her own and I think is trying her best.

I think it is quite normal for toddlers to have tantrums every day, but he doesn't agree. Who is being u?

Just to say, i help her here and there when needed, so I am offering support, but she does seem to be having a tough time with her toddler at the minute. Obviously she is too young to say if there is any SN, but she hasn't said she has concerns.

Should I be more concerned or is it normal?

OP posts:

Gen35 · 21/07/2014 13:58

That's nice of you to take her shopping op, especially as that behaviour of her dd is troubling to yours - she is too young to understand it though, my dd at this age also used to try and slap other dc (and was immediately removed), another unexpected toddler behaviour...I expect you are helping her by being around and hopefully she can return the favour if your dd shows any of these behaviours.

Original poster

Koothrapanties · 21/07/2014 14:01

I think dd is going to be a massive tantrumer! She is 9mo and is already showing signs of toddler stroppyness, but dh doesn't always see it. She gets frustrated with things quite easily, but luckily she is easy to distract.

Yes mum says no, it's just a phase I think. My concern is that dd can be quite shy and I don't want her associating other children with bad things. She gets very frightened and upset and takes quite a while to calm down again. I have felt very guilty for putting her in the situation actually. It's hard to shadow her as she will be absolutely lovely, then next minute lash out very quickly. I keep dd with me as much as possible, but she is a wriggly one.

OP posts:

zzzzz · 21/07/2014 14:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

campingfilth · 21/07/2014 14:08

My DS has had some outstanding tantrums over nothing. He could go on for hours on and off or just for hours. He is finally growing out of that stage and all I used to do is ignore him as anything made them go on for even longer.

He has no special needs and has just had a fantastic report from pre-school I just think some kids are like that.

brdgrl · 21/07/2014 14:14

Koothra, you sound so, so nice.
I think that you seem to have a fair idea of what conditions are there, and have an on-going relationship with the family, so you are in a good position to judge how serious the problem is (not to say that neglect and abuse are always apparent, but I don't think you are minimizing what you do see, IYSWIM).
How does the other mum respond to your help/advice? Does she seem open to ideas of doing things differently? Does she openly acknowledge feeling depressed or having trouble coping? That would make a big difference to what you can do about it all...

Original poster

Koothrapanties · 21/07/2014 14:20

Brd - thanks very much

I try not to tell her what to do or make comments. I don't think I have any right. I'm sure there are plenty of things I do that she wouldn't. She has mentioned feeling low, yes.

OP posts:

Gen35 · 21/07/2014 14:25

It's hard to know how to help really, getting out helped me when dd was being challenging at home, but sometimes we'd go to play group and have to come almost straight home as she could be much worse if other dc were around. Do you see any family visiting to help with her dd? Ideally she needs a bit of a break from someone without dc...and yes, unicorns do exist too!

Original poster

Koothrapanties · 21/07/2014 14:30

No family unfortunately.

I think I'll just carry on as we are really. I can reassure dh that it's all normal and try to prepare him a bit better for dds toddlerdom!

OP posts:

StrawberryMouse · 21/07/2014 14:30

Both mine had horrendous tantrums. One on and off since he was quite young and still does sometimes aged 5!

The other was very placid and barely had any until he was approaching three but then they were terrible!

Both very strong characters. I was the same as a child apparently.

You sound like a very nice neighbour and she is probably very grateful for your help. The things you mention wouldn't necessarily alarm me by themselves though.

TooExtraImmatureCheddar · 21/07/2014 14:31

My DD is 2.4 and has some fairly epic tantrums including throwing herself on the floor/lashing out at me/refusing to be cuddled/picked up etc. In between she's lovely and cuddles and kisses me! Think her first real tantrum was at about 1 - I was shellshocked by it, it was the first time she'd refused comfort, including bf. Now I ignore her for a bit until she's worn the edge off her rage and then try to cool her down.

Candustpleasefuckoff · 21/07/2014 14:40

My DS2 who is nearly 2 and a half can have tantrums that last up to 2 hours. And he can have 3 a day, but not all 3 will be so protracted. He is stimulated, loved, fed a healthy diet and never punished. To get through the tantrums I speak reasonably to him and do my best to ignore the behaviour as long as he is safe. He isn't a great sleeper, so I assume it is just because he is tired. But he is 2, and most 2 year olds can be thoroughly unreasonable people, and he is also very strong willed. I think it is a combination of these 3 things, his tiredness, his stage of development and his personality. My DS1 was never like this, he had 2 year old tantrums but never as extreme or long winded. I do worry my neighbours think I am an awful mother, as his screams can be heard half way up the road. If one of them knocked on the door during one of his tantrums I wouldn't mind at all. I would see it as neighbourly.

HavanaSlife · 21/07/2014 14:49

Hopefully she will grow out of it soon, it would be a shame if you had to stop helping her because of it but obviously you have to do whats best for your baby.

Ds3 has a friend who has done some not very nice things to him especially lately, they are 3 so much older. I thought hed start to dislike being around her , but he hasnt (as yet)

And you do sound lovely

Original poster

Koothrapanties · 21/07/2014 14:59

I think I'll ask mnhq to delete this now. I have changed a couple of things to make it less identifiable, but I don't want this person to see it and get upset. She's doing a good job, and I wouldn't want her to feel criticised.

Thanks very very much for all the advice.

OP posts:

Footle · 21/07/2014 15:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

brdgrl · 21/07/2014 15:14

Good luck. Maybe you could approach it as 'finding answers together' - you know, "I'm worried about DD throwing tantrums and so I've been reading up on it...what do you think about x?" - talking over possible approaches to things with the idea that you are both looking for answers? Or is that too patronizing?

Gen35 · 21/07/2014 15:15

Can your dh babysit both sleeping babies while you two have a nice trip out somewhere? Anyway, yanbu and It should get better for your neighbour, fingers crossed.

Deluge · 21/07/2014 15:23

DS (Asperger's) has tantrummed for hours at a time since he was a toddler. Still does it now, although not every day any more.

When he was a toddler (pre diagnosis) I was very socially isolated because I couldnt take him anywhere. Toddler groups, softplay, meetups with other mums etc were so difficult that I just stopped doing them. I became quite depressed as a result.

I dont know if her child has issues (or she does?) but it sounds very hard for them both.

aprilanne · 21/07/2014 15:25

seems a bit strange to ask for advice then want it deleleted when things getting hot under collar .and yes you are correct i did take it a bit personal because you came across so judgemental and so wonderful in your parenting .not everyones child is perfect i am afraid .

brdgrl · 21/07/2014 15:37

aprilanne, are we reading the same thread? I don't think anyone but you has been particularly upset or "hot under the collar". OP has stated her reason for wanting to delete the thread, and it's not an uncommon one.

Original poster

Koothrapanties · 21/07/2014 15:42

I'm going to stop posting now and just wait for mnhq to delete. Thanks again for all advice, and sorry if I have unintentionally offended anyone.

OP posts:

HavanaSlife · 21/07/2014 17:25

April, you seem to be the only one reading the thread and thinking that

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