to think this is normal, dh doesn't (about toddler tantrums)

[Koothrapanties]

Just wanted a quick poll.

Our neighbours dd (18m) throws big big tantrums every day. They can last anywhere from five minutes to hours. When it is hours, it will die down, then kick off again. She will scream and scream.

He is worried that the dd isn't being looked after properly and that is why she gets so upset. The mum doesn't do things as we do, but she's on her own and I think is trying her best.

I think it is quite normal for toddlers to have tantrums every day, but he doesn't agree. Who is being u?

Just to say, i help her here and there when needed, so I am offering support, but she does seem to be having a tough time with her toddler at the minute. Obviously she is too young to say if there is any SN, but she hasn't said she has concerns.

Should I be more concerned or is it normal?

hello koothrapanties .i must admit i read your post earlier had to and calm down then reply .you are being very judgemental well your hubby more by the sounds of things .18months is not to early to notice sen .especially autism .my son as a baby didnt sleep for more six hrs a day and constantly screamed his head off .he would not let you cuddle him much to our upset .he would not eat proper food until about 4 just baby mush .still even at 14 some food textures are a no go we cannot just go for a cuddle we have to ask then its yes or no all depends how he feels ..play beetween us was really no existent.i ended up playing myself with his toys while he just ran about .this was my third child and caused us great upset as loving parents .especially as our eldest two sons were so loving .maybe incourage her to see the health visitor and she may tell them her concernes

April I think you are taking my post very personally. I have said that everyone is different, everyone does things differently and that I do not know enough about the Sen side of things.

Yesterday was quite bad, it started in the afternoon and went on and off for about three hours. She woild scream for ten minutes then stop for twenty or so then on off on off.

My ds sometimes has afternoons or entire bloody days! like this. I wouldn't count a 10 minute tantrum then 20 mins of calm folloed

Several hours of ten minute bursts between 20 minute gaps is less of a concern IMO. I've know children with ASD keep it going solidly for hours but that sounds like more NT behaviour.

I wouldn't worry about the food at all. An awful lot of two year olds eat far worse.

I think you sound lovely and the support you're offering probably makes quite a difference.

Obviously raise concerns if you start to think the situation has changed for the worse but I think you're right. This is just terrible twos and a struggling mum which isn't great but also isn't anything you need to be really concerned about.

Stupid phone.

...followed by another 10 minute tantrum is not really tantrums which last hours and hours it's just lots of tantrums in one space of time.

There's a difference between a tantrum and a meltdown. One of mine had the former, one had the latter. The melt-downy one could go for about 40 minutes at a time, at least once a day. I still, to this day, don't know if there is something I could have done to prevent or reduce these.

They were not the 10 minute affairs that he could be distracted out of, unlike my other DSs tantrums

Good post Goldmandra

Sounds normal to me. I have had three angelic babies who have turned into utterly vile toddlers, then became normal human beings again around 3. I didn't take them anywhere in the toddler stage, it was too stressful for such little reward!

"Dash I was just responding to a poster who asked what she does different, thats all. My only concern with this is what the dd has is not very nutricious at all. It's mainly cakes, biscuits, dunkers etc."

Fair enough. Just wanted to point out its fairly normal for little ones not to eat proper meals. At least I think its normal

Oh, that's not a concern then. If they are in 'wrong' mood my DSs will have outbursts of tantrum to get their way over everything and anything for the whole bloody day. Still at it at 7 and 5.

Trying to distract them made it worse, reasoning with them was impossible, any attention prolonged it.

Ignoring it and them was the only solution for us. They were allowed to leave their room once the tantrum had stopped. If there had been behaviour that necessitated time out as a punishment (whacking their sibling over the head with a light sabre...... etc) then the time out would only start once the tantrum had stopped.

Each child is different. I'm relatively lucky in that my DSs never display this sort of behaviour at school. They are the most easy going children there, the teachers all love them. They can't believe that my DSs tantrum like that with me. But, I figure they have had enough of being 'good' and dump all of their agro from the day out on me and others at home. Hard for me, but would prefer this to the other way around, with teachers on the receiving end of it.

I wouldn't be surprised if your neighbour weren't a little down - hard to cook nice food when your dd has worn you out with repeated tantrums too. Most people can count on a break from family or their oh too. I do remember 18 mos as the worst phase - when the talking got better, her tantrums diminished as she could communicate and was less frustrated.

My eldest (now 28) had massive tantrums, she was "different" from practically birth, she has ADHD and other traits. I got a lot of judging all through her life.

My youngest would cry/tantrum for hours, she was diagnosed with moderate LD's etc at 3.5.

I am not overly affectionate, I can't stand people who are.

It's not what counts, when parenting.

My youngest had dietary issues, my children were fed "good food", now they eat what they want, which a lot if the time, is far removed from what they were brought up on.

Your DH needs to reign in his judging. I love bumping into the parents who used to sit in judgement of me, my children are doing better than there's and we have a much better relationship.

I may not be a hugger, but I do whatever else my children need.

I work with emotionally damaged/neglected/abused children, they don't tantrum.

Ds1 &2 had the occasional 5 min tantrum at that age.

Ds3 could do 20 mins, calm gown for 20 then syart again about something else. It could be on and off for hours.

Ds4 is 18 months and the closest he gets is stamping his feet at me if I say no booby.

All totally normal toddker behaviour.

She is 18 months old, they have no concept of being nasty, they just dont like to share, are heavy handed and dont realise they hurt people (some of them)

How do you know she doesnt play with her? When people come round I dont play with mine, they entertain themselves while I gossip and drink coffee. Unless you are there 24/7 how would you know?

The food thing isnt great but if shes tantrumming a lot it can be draining and depressing. Maybe she doesn't like going out because she worries about tantrums?

So what is the question then?

You don't think that there is concern for neglect.
And you didn't want to judge.
Good. So what are you looking for?

Btw sometimes i don't know what my dcs and dh ate allday let alone my neighbours. How do you know what exactly the girl eats all day every day?

I think your dh sounds a little clueless, he may be in for a bit of a shock once your little one gets a bit older

It can be hard when you have someone coming home to help at the end of the day, its much worse if you are on your own, dealing with a tantrummer all the time. Is she getting much sleep?

Oh believe me, tantrums can go on for hours. I've had days where dd2 has not stopped whinging and crying the whole bloody time.

And if every meal time was greeted with meltdowns if I was a weaker person than I am, I'd probably get to the point of not bothering. Luckily I'm not like that bit I have sunspot hy here because it must be hard for her and maybe she feels it's better to get something/anything down her when she can and she's calm than have her scream and fall asleep through exhaustion on an empty stomach.

What she's being given is not ideal but there's nothing that stands out on your posts that points to a wider problem so maybe she's just riding out a difficult stage.

Sympathy

Bloody iPhone auto correct

Sounds perfectly normal for my terrible two year old.

Leave her to it OP, seriously.

Laquitar the question was quite clear. I thought it was normal, dh didn't. I wanted to know who wad right and if I should be more concerned than I was. I then followed up by answering questions.

Havana that was pretty much what I said to him! I really have been preparing for the worst whereas I think he can't quite imagine dd having tantrums.

I had one who had operatic meltdowns, another who never had one and another who had "normal" toddler tantrums. I think your DH just hasn't had broad enough experience of toddlers.

My son would tantrum for hours, he wouldn't eat very well (and still doesn't) so had snacks rather than proper meals, he wouldn't let me cuddle him or would get angry and tantrum if I tried to kiss and cuddle him so I would look very distant and detached if we were out iyswim as I wouldn't hug him if he fell or give him a kiss or anything (he just wouldn't let me). He wouldn't want to be played with either and would just play on his own in his room.

My daughter is completely different, short tantrums, eats big meals, I'm always cuddling and kissing her and she loves being played with.

My son has an ASD though and I've no concerns about my daughter. From what I've worked out from my own children, they don't normally tantrum for hours unless there's something else going on. I'm no expert though and probably look at things differently because of my sons SN.

Oh sorry I have missed a couple of questions.

I know what she eats because we have spent days together and done our food shopping together because i drive and it makes it easier for her.

She actually sleeps well. I think the dd is knackered by the end of the day! It must be exhausting for both of them.

Ithought - I'm not sure of the point of your post. If I leave her alone and stop helping out surely thats a bit of a shitty thing to do when she is having a tough time?

All children are different. My dd1 only ever had one tantrum while a toddler that was proper screaming, kicking, throwing herself on the floor (she's making up for it at 6 though, she's like a moody teen). Ds1 had a few but dd2 is the queen of tantrums though thankfully they only last a few minutes.

Parents also have differing styles. My DCs generally play in their rooms if they're not outside as that's where all their toys are. Ds2 is too little and likes just following me around or being chased/tickled.

As long as the little girl is clean, fed and clothed i don't think there's much ss would or could do. Fwiw my DCs prefer to have small meals and snacks during the day but so have something proper at dinner time.

Oh and Havana like I said, nasty was the wrong word but she has smacked dd in the face, dragged her by her hair, pinched her really really hard etc, so it's more than a little heavy handedness.

Shes still too young to understand, does her mum tell her no when shes smacking pinching etc. She really needs to be shadowing her if she does it a lot, its a pitta but I had to do it with ds1, he was a biter and hair puller at that age so I had to follow him around.

You might be lucky, your dd may turn out not to tantrum at all. Unfortunatly I think its down to dc temperamant and how frustrated they get, rather than parenting style.

After all there s not much you can do when spiderman doesnt fit into postman pats bastard van every single day and hiding the bloody things causes another tantrum