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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I want another DC DH doesn't

35 replies

BeauticianNotMagician81 · 20/07/2014 17:36

Please forgive what may be a long post.

We have 3 ds's whom I absolutely adore. I have 2 from a previous relationship who do not see their dad ( he's a waste of space) and then one with my DH. Last year we made the painful decision to not continue a pregnancy. We had just moved into a rental property pretty much as soon as the line showed up on the test. I took the MAP and it failed. Two days living in the property and we were basically told to get back out. The landlady had taken ill long story. Anyway we couldn't risk bringing another child into the world with nowhere to live. It so happened that 2 months later we found our dream home at a bargain price still renting but we hope to buy it.

Fast forward a year and DH and I have spoken about having one more. We both feel that our youngest will feel like an only child as there is a 7 year age gap. I wasn't too sure but then on Wednesday DH cooked me a meal after work cracked open a bottle of champagne and said I really think we should give the boys just one more brother or sister. I was so happy. Then this morning he back tracks no we aren't having another we can't afford it, what if we have to move again.

AIBU to be fuming I've not spoken to him all day. Yes it would be tight with 4 children and yes in a rental property always the chance we could lose our home and there are never properties that come up this cheap in our area. But I'm a firm believer that no one can ever afford a child and I had got all excited about our big family adventures. Hmm

Thanks if you got this far

OP posts:
NotBatman · 20/07/2014 17:42

If you wait until you're financially secure you will never be ready for a kid. You need to be emotionally ready to have one, or it will never work. He's not ready for another one, and no matter how badly you want another one you both need to be on board with it.

upthedamnwotsit · 20/07/2014 17:45

It wouldn't be unreasonable to not want another but he is being very unreasonable to open champagne and make declarations like 'I really think we should give the boys just one more brother or sister' and then go back on it. That is both extremely unfair and insensitive- why not just say he can't decide? If he isn't sure then fine, but raising your hopes and then dashing them is only going to do damage.

Bowlersarm · 20/07/2014 17:49

I think the partner who doesn't want an extra child generally has the final say, especially when there are already DC.

He has been very cruel though.

BoneyBackJefferson · 20/07/2014 17:49

Instead of not talking to him, do the opposite.

Get to the bottom of it instead of sulking.

Andrewofgg · 20/07/2014 17:50

He is insensitive beyond belief - but if he is not committed to it, he is not committed to it. It may be that he will never be ready until it is too late for you, but if so, so it is, he cannot and should not be pushed into being a father again.

expatinscotland · 20/07/2014 17:57

He was a git to do that to you. But it sounds like you cannot afford it. Why not enjoy the three you have? Your third is not an only child, which us hardly the worst thing in the world.

Chunderella · 20/07/2014 18:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/07/2014 18:17

I was in your situation. I would have been really horrified if DH had done what yours did. WTF did he think he was doing?

Rebecca2014 · 20/07/2014 19:19

There is 6 years years between me and my sister, we did not get along as kids but now as adults we get along very well and we can remember parts of our childhood together! I never felt I was an only child.

Your dh a bit of a idiot though! He will change his mind again, I am sure.

VitoCorleone · 20/07/2014 19:26

Well, your DH shouldn't have got your hopes up like that, but with such a big decision he has every right to change his mind I'm afraid.

I'm in the opposite situation, DP really wants another baby, i don't.

Original poster
BeauticianNotMagician81 · 20/07/2014 19:36

Thank you for the replies and opinions. I do accept that if he doesn't want another baby then we won't have one. I'm more annoyed at the fact I hadn't thought about it too much then after he did the whole champagne thing the other night I felt completely on board. I even spoke to a few people at work going over the pros and cons. I'm just angry that he can't even understand why I would be pissed off.

OP posts:
Koothrapanties · 20/07/2014 20:46

Ouch that must hurt op.

Do you think it is worth speaking to him about it further? Could you ask for a calm discussion on the matter? If he was all on board he must actually want another child, but is concerned about the financial strain.

I would calmly put your points across and see if there is a way you could have the child you both want and formulate back up plans for the financial side?

I think the rule about the person who doesn't want one is good, but it sounds like he does actually want another child.

Lambzig · 20/07/2014 22:07

That was mean. To get your hopes up, that was cruel.

I would love another, DHZ has always always said 2, even before we even considered trying. We have two, he is sticking with what he always said (environmental grounds), I can't complain, but it sucks.

It would be much worse if he kept changing his mind.

Igggi · 20/07/2014 22:34

How cruel if him. Is he normally like this?
You could always have a baby with someone else.

GatoradeMeBitch · 20/07/2014 23:37

If you hope to buy a house soon, why not hold off and have the discussion again once you know what's happening? Is it something likely to happen in the near future?

He should not have got your hopes up though, that was odd.

plinkyplonks · 21/07/2014 00:18

Why can't you start after you have bought your own house and are a bit more financially secure? That way it helps ease your husband's fears and you get what you want. But your husband is really the only person you need to speak to here.

thecuntureshow · 21/07/2014 00:47

I'm going to go against what others have said. He is entitled to change his mind. Sounds like he got caught up in the moment, trying to make you happy but then reality hit and he came to his senses. Regardless of everyone always saying 'you'd never have a child if you waited for perfect circumstances...', his reasons for not wanting another one are real and should be respected. Your being sad about it is real too. There really are no logical reasons to have another child - it's all heart, so it can be a tough decision

However I sympathise. It's an impossible compromise. I think the one who doesn't want another has to win. Yes, you could leave him and have another with someone else (as someone suggested). You could go get ivf and leave DH! Or you could stay as a family and work through it together

Topaz25 · 21/07/2014 02:14

It doesn't sound to me like he got caught up in the moment. He made the moment. A big dramatic gesture with a meal and champagne and declaring his desire for another child didn't come out of nowhere. He has every right to change his mind but he should have thought it over before or just said he wasn't sure about having more children rather than saying they should and then taking it back.

frisson · 21/07/2014 02:34

You have enough children. The end.

differentnameforthis · 21/07/2014 03:03

I am very anti bringing children into this world who aren't wanted by both parents & normally would say that you have to respect his choice, however, this reads very much like he is scared about the events of the past year, and is worried there will be a repeat of losing your home.

All very valid & understandable. Perhaps you need to talk a bit more, reassure him that no matter what, everything will be fine.

Then see if he is ready to try. But if he is really adamant that he doesn't want anymore, he shouldn't be forced.

Original poster
BeauticianNotMagician81 · 21/07/2014 06:14

I'm not going to push the point with him if he doesn't want another that's fine I accept it. I said to him yesterday if you don't then book a vasectomy because I'm sick of him keep changing his mind.

Frisson for some people no children is what they want for some one is enough and for others 6 is their number. When I was younger I didn't even think I wanted children. I had my eldest two very close together and although it was hard work as I was a single parent I have loved watching them grow up together. I know its not a bad thing having a big age gap but I just would have liked my youngest to have the bond my eldest two do. Is that so wrong?

OP posts:
oohdaddypig · 21/07/2014 06:19

I agree that his grand gesture and back track was cruel. Is he normally like that? Was he deliberately trying to hurt you?!

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all and I would let him know how pissed off this has made me

Original poster
BeauticianNotMagician81 · 21/07/2014 06:27

Oohdaddypig he was pretty much the same when we had our last child if I'm honest. He was planned but he panicked as soon as I fell pregnant. I think when it comes to children men follow their head women follow their heart. Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
BeauticianNotMagician81 · 21/07/2014 11:07

I'm quite sad today. I am however, putting all of the baby stuff for sale on eBay. Hmm

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 21/07/2014 11:23

Beautician why don't you take a bit of time to work this out? It seems to me that you are retaliating for his wobbliness. Why not give it some weeks or months, and not rush around with declarations of getting a vasectomy and selling the baby clothes. These things have to work for everyone. If he thought having a baby may be a good idea, chances are he's not dead against it, just having a wobble and putting the other side.

He didn't say no, never, this am, he said- there are disadvantages, we can't afford it and so on. He's thinking aloud.

Stop with the brinkmanship and emotional reactions, it won't get you what you want and you may find up you end up backed into a corner when in fact there's no need to be there, and with some longer conversations and a little more time, you may indeed go on to have another child/or at least both be on the same page about not going ahead.