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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset my friends didn't get me a birthday present?

62 replies

lau55 · 20/07/2014 11:00

Ok so if course I don't expect presents, I don't need anything and so on that I probably am being unreasonable but for some reason this has upset me (pregnancy hormones and depression probably not helping)

Ok, so a few weeks ago it was my bday but for some reason this has stayed in my mind. We went out for a meal with friends, most brought small pressies but 2 just bought me cards. 1 of these is the one I am upset about, I consider her my closest friend in the group, and always go out of my way to get her something nice. She normally does the same for me. In fact it was her bday recently and although we weren't invited to celebrate it with her (she didn't do anything) we still got her a pressie and gave it when we next saw her. It feels like maybe she does not want to be close friends anymore.

So go on then hit me, aibu?

OP posts:
grocklebox · 20/07/2014 12:13

You sound like a graspy child. Not everyone who came to celebrate your birthday with you bought you presents?
Well boo bloody hoo.

ThatWasNice · 20/07/2014 12:19

Yabu. Some people don't do presents between adults who are not family. I prefer not to unless I have to. It not so much the cosy but more that I never know what to get. I usually end up getting flowers.
If your friend is a good friend otherwise then the fact she didn't get a present means nothing. If she is generally a crP friend then that's another matter

firesidechat · 20/07/2014 12:20

YABU.

I don't expect anything from friends for my birthday; not even a card and I don't get anything for them. If I am seeing them on their birthday, then I might get them a card and I might buy them a coffee, but that's it.

Perhaps I ought to add that I don't really care much about birthday celebrations beyond possibly having a meal with my immediate family. Sometimes I even cook that meal. Grin

EBearhug · 20/07/2014 12:26

You got some presents, and you got cards.

That's way more than some people get.

KellyElly · 20/07/2014 12:31

YABU for posting this because on MN no one is supposed to want their birthday acknowledged after the age of ten. Come on OP, are you new to MN Grin

pictish · 20/07/2014 12:37

Kelly would you expect presents from friends that were already paying for a meal out for your birthday?

Zucker · 20/07/2014 12:51

If for example the OP and her friend have known each other for 50 years. For the past 30 years its been the norm for them to give and receive. This year the OP gives and doesn't receive, something's obviously happened.

pictish · 20/07/2014 12:52

Like a cash flow problem most likely.

Zucker · 20/07/2014 12:59

Yeah I imagine that's it.

wanderingcloud · 20/07/2014 13:02

I'm inclined to agree with others, perhaps she is having a tough time financially and wants to phase out buying presents for adults? OH and I are doing that this year, with more and more children arriving something had to give! I can see why you are a bit miffed if the two of you have always exchanged gifts in the past but generally yabu to equate one birthday with no gift as a cooling off of your friendship.

Fluffyears · 20/07/2014 13:12

Yabu, for my birthday me and my friend went for a china buffet £5.99 all you can eat. She paid and bought me a drink it was more about catching up together. On her birthday we'll do the buffet or a wetherspoons and I'll pay. We only get Christmas presents (budget £10) for each other.

WeBelieveInLove · 20/07/2014 14:05

Are you still quite young OP? It's my experience that when you get older only the closest family members will give you presents.
Personally I only buy for children and my husband ;)

silveroldie2 · 20/07/2014 16:08

YABU - maybe your friend couldn't afford a present as well as pay for a meal to celebrate your birthday.

I have a friend who has very little money. I send her money for her birthday and she sends me a card. She has been my best friend for the last 50 years which means far more to me than a present ever could.

Value your friendship.

netty7070 · 20/07/2014 16:12

Did she pay for her own meal? Maybe that was her 'present' to you - she may not have a lot of disposable cash.

RobotLover68 · 20/07/2014 16:18

actually OP I don't think you are being unreasonable. I finished a 10 year friendship last year (lots and lots of reasons) but about 3 years ago, on my birthday I suddenly got just a card, no gift as we'd previously done. No mention of it changing and I knew she wasn't hard up. So I just bought her a card on her birthday - no problem as far as I was concerned. Except, now looking back I realise that this was about the time our friendship changed - she then started taking me for granted, being very unpleasant to me, tried to control me etc etc. The final straw came and I said "enough" - we are no longer friends and I don't miss her.

To be fair to the OP I don't think this is about the present, more of trying to make sense of her thoughts - are there other things going on that might indicate a friendship cooling off?

Lioninthesun · 20/07/2014 16:19

I only got 1 small present this year (a couple of friends came out for drinks instead) but I got 9 cards which was fine. My dad even got one for DD to give to me, which made her happy too.
Unless you are under 21 there is no real need to get sentimental on birthdays, especially when you have kids. You'll do yourself a favour pretending they don't exist IME!

iklboo · 20/07/2014 16:22

It's my birthday this week and we're going out with friends. I don't expect a present as, to me, the fact that they want to come out & celebrate with us IS the present IYSWIM.

You are pregnant & hormonal though and that can make you brood & blow things out of proportion. Try not to let it get to you.

Igggi · 20/07/2014 16:26

Of course it's reasonable to expect that someone you have recently given a present to should give you one back. (Unless it's a child).

Igggi · 20/07/2014 16:29

My friends give me lovely birthday presents, and I so my best to reciprocate, despite us all being ancient. Much nicer getting a surprise from a friend than something from dh IMO.

Goldenyellow · 20/07/2014 16:29

Iggi that doesn't fall in line with MN thinking but I agree with you

CurlyhairedAssassin · 20/07/2014 16:53

I would have assumed that she could afford the night out OR a present but not both. It would have been very awkward to have to explain that so my guess is that she thought you would prefer to have her at your night out than not have her there and just send a gift.

pictish · 20/07/2014 17:18

I certainly can't afford meals out and presents for all my friends anyway. I don't think many people can!

Original poster
lau55 · 20/07/2014 18:12

Thank you for your messages. I got what I expected! However it was more that we normally get each other presents - her bday was recent - and this year she didn't get me one so it was more why the change? But thank you :)

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 20/07/2014 18:15

Maybe she just thinks you're too old to be giving each other presents? Nothing more sinister than that.

NellyNoodle1 · 20/07/2014 18:25

YANBU.

I've noticed in my short time (and going to remain short) time on Mumsnet that you can't expect anything and that it's perfectly reasonable never to say thank-you or help anyone in any way.

If you have always bought each other presents then that is how it should be. If you are close friends and she couldn't afford it then she should have said so and that would be a perfectly reasonable reason or if she didn't want to buy presents anymore she should have said at the beginning of the year - not after you have bought for her.