To expect ex to enquire after our baby daughter daily?

[Jolleigh]

I'm not causing an argument over it or anything. I just find it really sad.

I left him when she was 6 weeks (apparently he thought it'd be a brilliant idea to have a cocaine fuelled threesome with me and his ex in the middle of the day while caring for our new born. This put the bitter cherry on top of an abusive relationship.) She's 15 weeks now and I take her to meet him once a week in a neutral place. She doesn't recognise him because this only started 3 weeks after I left him. He says he cares. He says he loves her. And yet he claims that some days he's too busy to even ask how she is. I know I couldn't go a day away from her without checking how she is. To his excuse of being too busy with work, I've previously replied "I'm not going to get into it with you. All I'll say is that it looks bad. If you have time to use the toilet, you have time to send a text message".

AIBU and seeing this through idealist mum-goggles?

If he thinks this apparently he thought it'd be a brilliant idea to have a cocaine fuelled threesome with me and his ex in the middle of the day while caring for our new born are you really surprised?

It is sad but you're wasting your time.

Don't obstruct contact but don't offer it either.. men always show their true colours in these situations.

I have an ex like that.. We reap what we sow with our kids later on.

YANBU to be sad for your DD, sounds like you're well shot of him though.

Is he someone you want to encourage to spend time with your DD? I'm not saying she shouldn't see him or anything, but you can't help but wonder what kinds of things he'd decide were OK when he's looking after her when she's older.

It's pretty recent that you split up, is a part of you still missing him? (despite what he's like)

You are seeing this from your pov. You adore her, she is your world. He is a man who thought a cocaine fuelled threesome was acceptable when you were a new mother. Most people don't have cocaine fuelled threesomes ever, never mind at that stage in their lives.
This man is an idiot. You must have known that. Get on with your life and be the best you can be for your daughter.

When he's not drugged up to the eyeballs, he has the same parenting philosophies as I do Agent. He's now seeking help from his doctor and knows I won't let him see her unsupervised until he's levelled out and proves himself trustworthy again. Should he further prove not to be a fit parent, I'll have to see where I stand getting him out of her life legally.

Honestly? I did my missing him while I was pregnant. The positive test was like a switch that turned him into a shitty person.

Well then, OP, there you have it.
You want him to be different to how he is ATM. Maybe he will be in the future, but don't waste your energy and life on hoping.
I hope things work out for you.

Why do you care what he thinks. Sooooo not worth it.

What kinds of things are you thinking of using as a measurement for him being trustworthy? Do you see enough of him to judge that?

Would he have suggested the drugged up threesome before you found out you were pregnant?

My ex goes days at a time without asking about DS, I always find it odd and a little sad. I see DS every single day and still ask about him at several points during the day when I'm working and even hint that I'd like a picture of him sending to me cause it cheers me up!
And that's coming from someone who isn't a clingy parent AT ALL.

I'm never convinced my ex is that interested in my DS, I feel like he comes to see me when he comes to see DS

Because up until he started to be a twat she loved him Piper?

Because they have a baby together?

It wasn't really a suggestion Agent - his ex showed up at the door with 4g of cocaine. He was pissed out of his face and was trying to dress it up as a surprise for me. The pathetic man looked genuinely confused when it didn't go to plan.

We did our fair share of wild things before we decided to have kids but nothing quite in that league!

Bizarre. It is relatively extreme, was it a reaction to having a baby dependent on him? (not that it in any way excuses him).

It's not just the coke though, it's him wanting to introduce someone else into your relationship at the worst time ever, a time when you're 'supposed' to be working together to look after your baby.

How old is he?

He sounds like a disaster.
I think you are being unrealistic expecting anything from him.

Cut your losses now.

He's 32. I suppose it could have in part been due to the pressure of having a dependant. He hadn't exactly been very hands on with our daughter in the weeks leading up to this incident. Even when he sobered up, he didn't think I'd have left him (I got them both out of the house and got me and the baby out immediately. He was surprised when he came back and saw we'd moved out).

Yabu because they don't change when the baby arrives. I'd be withdrawing from him while I could and keeping the dd safe.

YABU, I have started to learn the hard way but best way to stop looking for things in people who cant offer them.

some people spend all their lives projecting onto others how they should be, and yes in an ideal world thats - how people would be....

but we dont live in an ideal world, we live in a world full of very imperfect humans...

you have decided to have a baby with someone who is clearly not ready for it.

i hope you can back out of tit for tat he doesnt care issues and start to just focus on your baby. you talk of him going to the doctors and getting help...someone one like this probably needs years of help...its not going to be over night....

i say this as someone who knows extreme behaviour and even they reigned it in when babies were born!

your life will be much simpler if you accept dad is not ready for baby ....he will not care for her as much as you, he wil not ask after her, he is not able to love her as much as you do.

She's safe Sienna .

Thanks ladies. I'm just being an idealist I suppose. I thought the shock of the situation might have made him have a long hard think and decide to step up. Not unreasonable, just hugely unrealistic.

TBH, I think it's probably unrealistic to expect someone with a coke problem to remember to check in every day.
As long as that's part of his life, he's not someone you can rely on to call, let alone to be a parent. IMO.

yanbu

of course this is what you should expect for your dd

this may not happen, never lower your expectations for your dd but you may have to lower your expectations on what her father will do for her it does make you feel sad but life easier for yourself

Just a point OP, you wont get him out of her life legally. The family law system doesnt work that way. Quite the opposite in fact.

If he exits her life it will be due to his own decision not to be in it.

is that the case even if he's visiting her while drugged up?