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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are DH and I BU or is DM? Overseas visitors.

79 replies

ElphabaTheGreen · 19/07/2014 22:09

A bit of background so there's no drip feeding - I live with DH and 2.2yo DS in a house. My DM lives in a nice compact little annexe in our back garden as she has very impaired mobility and is better off nearby in case of falls and needing a daily hand with jobs she can't manage. This is a set-up we've had for years and it works fine. I am booked to give birth to DS2 by ELCS in two weeks time (beginning of August).

We are expecting a few visitors from OS (two from Australia, one from the US) in the next few months:

  • my 'dad', DM's ExH who is biologically not my dad but has always been nicer to me than the twat who I share genetics with. He's nice, I'm very pleased that he wants to meet my DCs, since their biological grandfather couldn't give a shit, but we've never lived together and we're really not that close
  • my cousin who's 20 years older than me and I've met twice, is talking about coming to visit in September/October. Again, she's nice, but she's really close to DM (her aunt), not me.
  • A friend of DM's who is again nice, but I'm not at all close to. I last saw her briefly (like for about 10 minutes) about 12 years ago.

DH and I are completely in agreement that we will not put any of them up in our house when they visit as we will be adjusting to coping with a toddler and a newborn, and have made this clear to DM. My dad particularly is planning on being around in time to see DS2 born, and I really don't want to be coping with post-partum hormones and leaking in front of him. We're pretty sure no visitor would particularly want to have to put up with any of that either, and dad has already said he doesn't expect us to put him up. DM does not have the room to have them in her annexe, but she's fixated on the fact that we have a spare bedroom and is incensed that we won't accommodate any of them. I get a snidey comment about it Every. Bloody. Day. She keeps telling me about all her friends who totally agree with her and would always put themselves out, no matter how much, to allow guests to stay. We have given her the contact details of a Wetherspoon's hotel less than 200m from our house that costs less than £100 per night to pass on to them but all she'll do is go on about how we let my best friend (who is more like a DSis to me as we're both only children) and her toddler stay when DS was four months old, but won't let family, who I'm likely to inherit from, and an old friend of hers stay. DM cannot contribute to any catering for visitors, nor can DH as he can't cook, so it would be all my responsibility on top of newborn and 2 yo, and all chauffeuring and out-of-home entertainment would be down to me/DH as DM is basically house-bound. Mainly me probably, as DH won't have any AL left to take, not that I'll be allowed to drive for 6 weeks.

Who is BU here - DM or us?

OP posts:
HolgerDanske · 19/07/2014 23:01

Oh god no you're definitely not being unreasonable. And to be honest, even if you were it would be tough shit, really. It's your house! It's your life and your body that will be recovering. You and your husband have agreed between you what you are comfortable with, or not, as the case may be, and that is the end of it.

Just keep repeating it: No, DM, we are not prepared to host any visitors at this time. And absolutely do the La la la thing (but maybe only in your head Grin)!

Worriedkat · 19/07/2014 23:04

Because she's not really thinking at all? Rigid narrow straight line thought processes with no ability to link reasoning together and see the wider picture. Short term memory sounds lacking also.

I feel for you, you have quite a lot on your plate there.

Allalonenow · 19/07/2014 23:12

It's your DM who is BU.
Next time she mentions how much her friends would put themselves out for guests, immediately tell her that in that case her friends can look after her Ex, her niece and her old friend.

These are her visitors, not yours, and they sound all like a PITA, just when you least need it.

Inertia · 20/07/2014 00:41

Ah, this is easy to solve.

Put the baby's big cot and some nappies in the spare room. Tada- you now np longer have a spare room, it's the baby's room.

The baby can still sleep in your room in crib / moses basket. Or in the cot , in fact - just put the other baby stuff in there.

Original poster
ElphabaTheGreen · 20/07/2014 06:40

We have a spare bedroom in addition to ours, DS1's and DS2's rooms, Inertia, but good thinking Smile

OP posts:
nihatsgirl · 20/07/2014 06:49

I would put them up, I think it's unreasonable to say they should pay when you have a spare room. You may find they are help rather than people you need to cater for. I see the consensus is that you are being reasonable so I am pretty sure my opinion is based on fact I am bloody foreigner Grin. For me, there would be no other option but to offer the spare room

WallyBantersJunkBox · 20/07/2014 07:04

But nihat would you expect to cook, clean and entertain after a C-section?

And if you were BF'ing every 1-2 hours throughout the night would you then expect to have to get up and make breakfast, drinks, entertain etc?

Bambamb · 20/07/2014 07:26

YANBU and I'm pretty sure your visitors would understand.

There's no way I would want to stay at someones house who'd just had a new baby, I'd feel like I was intruding, not to mention how bad I'd feel if they so much as made me a cup of tea!

wonderpants · 20/07/2014 07:28

Could you compromise and change the dates? Maybe say that they could come 4-6 months later when you are more settled?

nihatsgirl · 20/07/2014 07:51

I would not expect to cook as I don't usually do this. Post c section, I had my dad and his gf, my god mother, my siblings ( all 4,) hubby and me. In our 4 bed house. Full house, but they were here to visit and support. All I had to do was feed baby. Everyone else fussed over us as they should. I was breast feeding.

QuietNinjaTardis · 20/07/2014 08:00

No don't do the la la la thing in your head, do it out loud every. Single. Time. If she moans you're being rude, just say you're fed up with her ignoring you/your descision so you've given up repeating yourself.

Picklepest · 20/07/2014 08:04

It's yours and dh house. If she can't house them in her house, and you def can't in yours they stay in a hotel.

Why haven't you contacted them yourselves and arranged all this? Why is it going through her? That's a bit mad...

WallyBantersJunkBox · 20/07/2014 08:05

I think that's the difference though. The op will not get any support, her mother is infirm and the family is distant, not of a close relationship where you can comfortably sit and breast feed with pjs and bed head. Grin

Also traveling from Australia they'll be up at strange hours I'd imagine.

You sound very patient though! Grin

Original poster
ElphabaTheGreen · 20/07/2014 08:27

Picklepest With the exception of my dad, who has already said he doesn't expect me to put him up, I don't actually have direct contact details for my cousin and DM's friend. That's how close we're not! I actually wonder if mum has already said to them (without our involvement), 'Of course you can come - Elph and DH will be happy to put you up!' and is trying to guilt us into changing our minds so she doesn't have to backtrack. She invited someone to our wedding without asking us and then told us we'd have to un-invite him. Wouldn't be at all surprised if she's pulled the same trick again Hmm

Nihat I have wondered if there is some cultural/generational differences in our opinions actually - mum is an older American so assumes everyone has the same inclinations towards boundless and selfless hospitality.

OP posts:
contortionist · 20/07/2014 08:33

Not what you were asking, but your DH can learn to cook, and now would probably be a good time to do so.

Also, is he entitled to paternity leave?

KnackeredMuchly · 20/07/2014 08:33

Yanbu - but as a small suggestion why not ask your Mum if she can stay in your spare room and give the guests her room in her annex? That way she is likely to be in your house for sleeping only, and retreat and be company for the guests in the annex?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/07/2014 08:35

OP YANBU. I'd be inclined to refuse to discuss it any further with your mother. The discussions can't go anywhere.

If other people want house guests post CS that's fine for them. You have made the right choice for your family. Stick with it.

KnackeredMuchly · 20/07/2014 08:35

I agree with contortionist too - as I got to about 8 months preg I was exhausted. It was a good time to teach my DH how to provide me with basic meals - I certainly needed them with a newborn

Ledkr · 20/07/2014 08:42

Just a question. If they stay in the hotel near you won't they still be in your house all the time anyway and be just as much of an intrusion?
You need to pre empt that too op.

ThrowAChickenInTheAir · 20/07/2014 08:45

YADDNBU. But then again I think you are probably already going above the call of duty with the granny annexe and your mum in situ in your daily lives. For that alone I think you are doing enough as it is.

Original poster
ElphabaTheGreen · 20/07/2014 08:56

contortionist I really don't have time to teach DH to cook (I was working FT up until I went on mat leave), and with DS's bedtime being an hour after he gets home, I really need meals ready when he walks in the door, not one to two hours later after he's turned the kitchen upside down and produced something minging. On past attempts to equip him with some basic recipes, he expects me to sit there with him the entire time and supervise, which kind of defeats the purpose of freeing me up for something else. It's quicker and easier just to do it myself or batch cook and freeze ahead

OP posts:
Original poster
ElphabaTheGreen · 20/07/2014 09:03

Ledkr I am mindful of that, but at least they wouldn't be in my face first thing in the morning and would have to make prior arrangements to visit. We/the hotel are also 10 mins walk from a major town centre so I would be very much in a position to reasonably say, 'You want food? It's that way.' knowing they're not going to go hungry. There's also trains from there to two big cities so I can point them in the right direction, without the stress of having virtual strangers under my roof.

OP posts:
Dubjackeen · 20/07/2014 09:08

YANBU. My concern would be that she has told them they can stay with you. Is there any way you can lay hands on contact details and send them the hotel details, making it clear that this is the only option?

diddl · 20/07/2014 09:09

The only one I would consider staying is your dad 7 if he does't want to it's a moot point anyway.

I'm thinking that your mum wants to be able to put her visitors up in your house if it wa hers.

If they would just sleep over & then spend the day with your mum, not so bad, but I'm thinking that that wouldn't happen.

How has your husband got to an adult without being able to cook?

Who will look after you post CS?

He can teach himself-how does he think a lot of us learn??

TypicaLibra · 20/07/2014 09:18

We are expecting a few visitors from OS (two from Australia, one from the US) in the next few months:

Who actually did the inviting of these guests? I'm presuming your DM. In which case she is BU. I guessing the way she phrased it was that accommodation was not something they need worry about - between you and her it would get sorted. Which clearly she shouldn't have said.