My mother in law is not that bad (I know of far worse!) but god this makes me fume

[catherinemm]

My MIL is not interfering, doesn't make rude comments about my parenting, basically she's far easier to deal with than many but one thing she does quite often has pissed me off again this weekend . . . So here's the most recent example. We have a lawn mower at home we don't need and she wants. It's only been here a couple of weeks (my parents had it there house and brought it up to us knowing she wanted it as they live quite far away) and we can house it for a few more if needed but my OH did let her know it was here for her to pick up about a fortnight ago. We heard nothing from her about it til Friday when she asked if we were around Sunday so she could come and collect the lawn mower. It has to be more of a flying visit as she lives a 90 min drive away. Anyway, despite having some plans for Sunday, oh said yes that's fine but then so we don't have to stop taking LO to this event we want to take him to he told her about it and suggested she come with us. This means we had to cancel on seeing a friend who lives near the event after. Anyway, he as sent her 2 texts and yet we still don't know if she is coming and when. I am annoyed. I want to know of we can go to this thing in the morning or have to wait til she turns up. If the latter I'd like to have a tough eta. Is that too much to ask? Obv I've asked oh to ring her, he refuses.

This is quite typical of her - no vague plans, no responses to text. Maybe I'm an uber planner but god it's annoying

Why are you texting her when you know she is so flaky? Call the woman! Don't leave it to OH if he is such a wimp.

Tell her you are doing X, Y Z and how do her plans fit in with what you are doing?

As in many cases, OH is the issue, not MIL. Why won't he call?

Your OH is the problem.

He says he's never met anyone who plans so much as me!!! I know the way to solve it for me is to call her but am worried that will piss off OH. To be fair he's the issue really - cancelled a friends dinner invite cos he thought she was coming but yet we are not actually certain. She's always like this, bailing, plans never fixed if it's something with all of us. But weirdly reliable when it comes to baby sitting!

I'd leave the mower somewhere safe and let her know where it is or leave a key for her to get in and get it herself.

Simple.

Pin her down yourself. Figuratively, not literally.

Wish we could dragon mamma, we are in a flat, 6 floors up, she needs key to get in communal door.

Phone. Either you or DH. Phone. Ask. Sorted.

Why are you worried about pissing him off? He is the one being unreasonable, expecting you to hover around and cancel your plans.

Let him be pissed off. Is this one of those situations where he would rather you than upset his mummy?

Yeah, just leave side gate open or whatever.

Also I would never cancel plans on her account if she's flaky.

Texting, IMo, gives some people licence to leave the making of firm plans to the very last minute. Annoys me too.

I would also not cancel plans. Be firm

Yes, why are you worried about pissing him off?

You DH is the issue, not your MIL

I don't understand why you don't just call her yourself then you will have an answer and can stop fretting.

He thinks I am being unreasonable. Our plans are to take LO to the Lambeth country show. We can leave at any time really, but is rather not sit around and wait for her and would prefer to go before his nap. He argues this is hardly a fixed plan, but I want to go!!

He can't see why i need to know a rough eta til tomorrow but I've been stewing all day. Anyway was just about to pick up the phone when OH tells me she will be at ours at 11. I'll believe it when I see it, the woman is always late (unless it's baby sitting when she's early!) and it's worse if she drives like she'll have tomorrow, she always gets lost despite my OH going over detailed directions with her on numerous occasions!!!

Anyway, feeling rather unreasonable now, but I will never get people who leave texts about plans 2 days before replying!!

Give a neighbour a key. Let MIL know you will be out xx time to xx time and she is invited but if she can't make it and arrives when you're out, number xx has the key so she can get the mower.

I am with you OP, I like planning and hate flaky types ruining it. Especially the ones who think they are sooo laid back and think you are anal for planning stuff. Yes, but without a bit of planning and sorting out, everyone just ends up wibbling around aimlessly and you miss out on fun.

But, I have found this approach works great with flaky types. I don't ask them, I don't wait for them, I don't boss them about so they can't complain. I say "I am doing X at X place at X time, would be great to see you." If they miss out, their problem.

I feel your pain. My whole family in law are incredibly flaky. You can't get an answer over something simple - they turn up whenever they feel like it and you're expected to entertain them and they arrange for you to go to parties etc and tell you 6 hours before and get shitty if you have arranged something else.

I am incredibly scheduled and have OCD. They drive me insane. I probably drive them insane but there you go.

Another "you have a DH problem, not a mil problem", he won't call and make firm plans, you know she won't respond to texts so sending them was pointless. Tell him again, you have plans for tomorrow, he has a choice, call his mother now and find out if she can fit into the plans, giving you time to cancel the bits that don't work, or you will assume your plans for tomorrow are fixed, he can therefore text his mum to say that tomorrow doesn't work for picking up the mower, and you'll go ahead without scheduling her picking up the mower.

Don't let him text in the future, dial her number and hand him the phone. Is she a "chatter" on the phone? DH will avoid calling his mum because it's normally a 45 minute call all about : the girl he had swimming lessons with when he was 7 has just had twins, and the boy who was in your scouts' mum is in a mobility scooter now- it's actually quite fancy, and the council might be cutting back the trees across the road, it needs doing though but we hope they don't cut too much, and you better lock up your garage properly as the lady in the post offices' nephew saw travellers, that or they were just badly dressed Irish people with fake tan- of course I take as I find and don't judge but you need to lock the sheds up, oh and I've clipped an article out of the daily mail for Mary, it's all about how to stop your baby growing up to be a fat delinquent with cancer.... (I do love my mil, and find her phone chats fun if I've got the time, DH finds talking to his mum a lot harder than I do)

just ring her and find out

Ah, the extra organised and the very flaky. Never the twain shall agree!
It's one of those personality things that just is what it is.

If your DH is also of the flaky persuasion he's probably not ringing her because your organised-ness is winding him up. Petty, but sot of understandable.

You're getting ratty with him because you want a proper plan and aren't getting one. Petty, but sort of understandable.

Neither of you ABU really. Just different.

I go over the top on planning, time-keeping, replying to emails etc. one tip I have learned is to explain along the lines of, "if you haven't arrived/decided/replied by X then I will assume Y". Really helps with my stress levels and is clearer for those of less stresshead inclinations.

Why are you changing all your plans to fit in with her possibly/possibly not coming to pick up something she's getting free and doesn't seem in any particular hurry to come and get?

You've made you're arrangements, stick to them.

Pick up the phone and call her yourself. Tell her what time you'll be at home after your day out and let her come at a time that's convenient to you. If she's not there, leave a message.

I can't stand people who make vague plans and then don't turn up or are late, it's so rude.

Yabu! It's your husband that's the problem

Mil. "can I. One and get lawnmower?"

Dh "yes but we are goin out would you like to join us"

Mil "yes"

End of conversation. The problem is your dh, he didn't bother to say sorry we are seeing friends can you come next week, or can you be here by 10 as we are leaving at 10.30.

To be fair to OH, the main plan was the show. He texted an old friend of ours who lives right by the park where it is to see if he wanted to meet us and the friend suggested coming over for dinner which I thought was fab and said to say yes but then his mother texted re mower . . . I'm glad others feel my pain. This sort of thing happens every now and again involving his family, mainly his mum. I feel we have to drop everything for them cos we never know certainties or timings. Oh is much more like them with plans and most of the time thinks I'm very odd for wanting to know firm plans. He occasionally gets annoyed by it cos I think he's actually tad more of a planner than MIL but never actually complains to her. Agh, I guess I will have to muster up the courage to call her earlier when something similar occurs again, I just feel like I'm encroaching on his territory. I also should be clearer with him about when we have plans and when we don't but I think even I had been he'd see what wanted to do tomorrow as just a nice to have and something we could drop for his mum, he argued that I would have done the same if it was my friend / my mum. To be honest I don't think I would have done!!

But she's coming with you? So could you not just text

"The plan is to leave at.... See you tomorrow"