Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit pissed off that Bf/partner has asked what I am doing for his birthday

37 replies

b584 · 19/07/2014 17:08

We have been together nearly three years, we do not live together and are both no spring chickens,

I always try to make an effort for birthdays, xmas ect, but he has always said that he doesn't celebrate them, they are no big thing I have never received a card off him for anything. , I still made an effort and got him something either personolised or gave him money towards something he wanted that I couldn't afford to pay for altogether so that I had something to give him on the actual day.

He on the other hand would if it was close to my birthday and we were in town and I was buying new jeans would offer to pay for them and then latr say that they were for my past or future birthday or xmas,

I have a deep fat fryer, and a slow cooker that I don't use and have never expressed any need for that he has bought without my knowlage but said they were for my last birthday or xmas,

As well as a pressie I always pay for a meal out on his birthday, He doesn't do the same for me, in fact a year into our relationship he cooked his ex (who I know and they are still just good friends) a meal, When I asked him why he said he assumed my kids would do something for me,

His 60th is coming up, He mentioned last week that he might do a barbecue for family and friends, I thought fair enough, Have ordered him a present off amazon, something he wanted and he knows about so thought all was sorted.

Last night he turned round to me and said. " So what are you doing for my birthday" I mentioned the barbecue thing and he said " but that will mean him doing the cooking so he has decided not to do it. I told him we will do it all together but he still says no.

I could offer to take him for a meal but tbh I don't see why I should, I cannot afford it, He earns four times what I do, he knows that. He never makes any effort on special days for me, but I will feel like shit if I don't do anything, aibu to just give him his pressie and wish him a happy birthday?

OP posts:
Branleuse · 19/07/2014 17:11

tell him to go fuck himself.

Original poster
b584 · 19/07/2014 17:13

Lol that has made me smile.

OP posts:
PedlarsSpanner · 19/07/2014 17:14

What Bran said

QuintessentiallyQS · 19/07/2014 17:16

Tell him that you will do exactly what he does to you on your birthday, as you figure that this is the kind of birthday he really wants, seeing as it is what he gives you.

Then point to something you bought him earlier and tell him "this was your birthday present"

SergeantJarhead · 19/07/2014 17:17

Op, is this a genuine post? Regardless of how long you have been with this man you shouldn't be tolerating this treatment. It's time to sit down, tell him how you feel and that you want some changes. I'd forget his birthday, or just give him a card and tell him the gift is for Christmas - you aren't made of money.

SmallBee · 19/07/2014 17:18

Ask him why he thinks you should bother, considering he never does for you?
At bests id being paying to get a takeaway in.

cansu · 19/07/2014 17:18

I think I would say that you are confused as you thought he disliked celebrating birthdays as he has never bothered to celebrate yours. Then say nothing else and wait for his response. He sounds a complete arse tbh

ICanSeeTheSun · 19/07/2014 17:20

I would be asking him if he is getting memory loss, because he doesn't pull a finger out for you.

OneDreamOnly · 19/07/2014 17:23

Well as he doesn't like to celebrate birthdays, I would tell him that this time I haven't planned anything special as I didn't want to make him uneasy.
Or tell him to get lost!

I don't really do birthdays, I'm grateful that DH does usually do something for me. Just as I do something for him because I know it's important for him.
If we were both stopping doing that tomorrow, I wouldn't be bothered.
If he was stopping doing that on the ground I don't really care but was still expecting me to do something special for his birthday, I would be miffed.

Coffeethrowtrampbitch · 19/07/2014 17:24

I would regift the deep fat fryer and slow cooker to him and cancel the Amazon gift!

Staywithme · 19/07/2014 17:27

Are you similar in age? The reason I ask is, I was wondering why you would want to spend your life with someone like that. He sounds selfish and spoilt and you sound like a lovely, kind lady. Is he as mean in other areas of you life?
My wonderful neighbour has been married to her shit of a DH for over 20yrs and has finally decided to leave him and make a life for herself. She feels like a weight has been lifted. Why would you spend your life with someone who doesn't respect you enough to spoil you on your birthday?

Original poster
b584 · 19/07/2014 17:28

This is a very genuine post, I care alot about this man and have accepted that he doesn't do birthdays etc, But him saying this to me last night really pissed me off, It came with a gentle slap on the leg ' So what are you doing for my birthday' comment and I thought ' what the fuck'

If he decides to have the barbecue then of course I will help as his partner. girlfriend seems wrong considering our ages but I won't be paying for it or a meal out,

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 19/07/2014 17:31

Seriously? Do exactly what PP have said and tell him you will be putting the same amount of care and consideration into his birthday as he puts into yours.

Look closely at his face.

And then tell him you have bought him a new dustbin some other shit he hasn't asked for and that is his birthday present.

Then get the hell out.

LoveBeingInTheSun · 19/07/2014 17:35

Please tell me some good stuff about him

Original poster
b584 · 19/07/2014 17:40

He is going to be 60, I am 45, I am not unhappy in the relationship, we work well together most of the time, He is a neighbour (next door but one) so I have known him a lot longer than I have been in a relationship with him,

On a day to day basis it works well, He is very carefull with money and was out of work for a while but still had savings and lodgers money coming in and mortgage paid whereas I am a single parent to 2 with one working and one at college, I work 24 hours and have rent and council tax totalling £600.50 a month, then all other stuff,

I have to borrow every month from him to get to pay day which I repay immediatly but that means I have to borrow again,

I am just pissed off that as he knows my finacial posion he expects me to do something for his birthday which will make it even worse.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 19/07/2014 17:41

Yes, the deep fat fryer and the slow cooker are what he thinks people want for birthdays, aren't they? He will be delighted.

He does sound devoid of all joy - is there a reason why you're with him?

APotNoodleandaTommy · 19/07/2014 17:43

I'd tell him to get fucked and use the deep fat fryer on his nuts

phantomnamechanger · 19/07/2014 17:50

he seems to make so little effort for you he probably would not even remember he had bought the fryer and slow cooker for you if you did re-gift them back to him Sad

Time for a heart to heart.
Tell him straight how sad it makes you that he expects special treatment (and even asks about it in advance Shock - talk about entitled) when he makes little or no effort to pamper you when its your birthday.

MaryWestmacott · 19/07/2014 17:53

Don't mention it again, if he says anything, just say you thought he was joking as he doesn't do anything for your birthday so why would you do anything for his?

Original poster
b584 · 19/07/2014 18:01

I guess you are right and I just need to tell him straight,

I am going there later and if he doesn't bring it up then I will, Had a few drinks already so more likely to say,

The fryer and slow cooker were because in the past I had mentioned that something he cooked was nice and that I liked onion rings but couldn't do them myself as I had no fryer, but I also told him that the reason I had no fryer was because both my kids were overweight and I had got rid of my fryer years ago because of this,

My kids are 18 and 21, The new fryer meant them using it when I wasn't there so it's back in it's box,

He has a massive slow cooker and a huge fryer so regifting isn't an option, lol

OP posts:
Joysmum · 19/07/2014 18:07

If he mentions it again, just say you've bought him a present which he'll get on his birthday.

If he expects a meal say you decided against this year as he's never done so for you.

chocolatemademefat · 19/07/2014 18:11

\i think YABU being with him. You sound much too nice for him and his selfish ways.

On his birthday I'd make arrangements to go out - without him. If birthdays really aren't such a big deal for him he won't mind a bit.

Don't waste your time with such a selfish person - they never change and at his age he certainly won't.

Guiltypleasures001 · 19/07/2014 18:11

No way would I be getting him anything from Amazon are you a mug? Blimey what a set up he has, treats his ex to a meal feck all for you.

Please say your not doing any of his domestic stuff as well op? He's going to be 60 wow you'll be able to look after him as well in is old age , but expect fuck all in thanks though.

Give him a card and nowt else, he is thoughtless and that's not an attractive trait to have.

LastTango · 19/07/2014 18:13

Give him a card that says "I am doing for you what YOU do for me - precisely nothing" !

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2014 19:11

So he does his birthdays but not yours Hmm. He wants his cake and eat it. I would tell him I though you don't do birthdays, so nothing! You have a present and a BBQ!

Swipe left for the next trending thread