To be a bit pissed off that Bf/partner has asked what I am doing for his birthday

[b584]

We have been together nearly three years, we do not live together and are both no spring chickens,

I always try to make an effort for birthdays, xmas ect, but he has always said that he doesn't celebrate them, they are no big thing I have never received a card off him for anything. , I still made an effort and got him something either personolised or gave him money towards something he wanted that I couldn't afford to pay for altogether so that I had something to give him on the actual day.

He on the other hand would if it was close to my birthday and we were in town and I was buying new jeans would offer to pay for them and then latr say that they were for my past or future birthday or xmas,

I have a deep fat fryer, and a slow cooker that I don't use and have never expressed any need for that he has bought without my knowlage but said they were for my last birthday or xmas,

As well as a pressie I always pay for a meal out on his birthday, He doesn't do the same for me, in fact a year into our relationship he cooked his ex (who I know and they are still just good friends) a meal, When I asked him why he said he assumed my kids would do something for me,

His 60th is coming up, He mentioned last week that he might do a barbecue for family and friends, I thought fair enough, Have ordered him a present off amazon, something he wanted and he knows about so thought all was sorted.

Last night he turned round to me and said. " So what are you doing for my birthday" I mentioned the barbecue thing and he said " but that will mean him doing the cooking so he has decided not to do it. I told him we will do it all together but he still says no.

I could offer to take him for a meal but tbh I don't see why I should, I cannot afford it, He earns four times what I do, he knows that. He never makes any effort on special days for me, but I will feel like shit if I don't do anything, aibu to just give him his pressie and wish him a happy birthday?

I can't believe he cooked for his ex on your birthday, that made me feel sad

"I care alot about this man and have accepted that he doesn't do birthdays etc"
But he does do birthdays. What he doesn't do is your birthday.

"He is a neighbour (next door but one)"
There's no nice way to put this OP , so I'll be blunt. He finds you convenient. No effort required, so no effort made .

Might I suggest that what you should get him for his birthday is his 'freedom'? You need to be free of this crap. You deserve better.

What you've got is appropriate for your relationship, he wants a wife's version

I must admit, I thought exactly what whereyouleftit said about you being convenient, but I couldn't think of a nice way to put it either

Reading through, what do you get out of this relationship? I hope the sex is absolutely blisteringly shit hot because the way he's treating you certainly isn't.

It seems he has a hold on you as you need him to bail you out every month financially - this is not a criticism of your finances, please don't think that. Only you know how you balance those. But are you claiming everything you're entitled to? Working Tax Credit for example?

If you're working, and have 2 adults in the house, are they working and contributing to the household?

Going back to your original post, it comes across that he doesn't really care about your feelings. Buying you something that you don't want near the time of your birthday and saying it's your present, is not buying a birthday present.

Presents take consideration, they are a surprise and a delight. Not, oh, those jeans I paid for are your present.

I have had to hammer this home to my OH as he doesn't "do" birthdays. I however, DO and have always done so. I think he's about got it, but it's been hard. My ex used to think that if you throw enough money at a birthday that's all that's needed but that's not right either.

A birthday or Xmas present should be something you have mentioned that you would like or something that shows thought has been given to it.

You thought about his 60th birthday, he mentioned a BBQ previously to celebrate and he now doesn't like the idea as he has to do the work?
Horseshit. When we have a BBQ I'm doing most of the work beforehand prepping it. Standing in the sun flipping a burger with a beer in your hand isn't work.

Under the circumstances you mention, where you can't afford to take him out for a meal and he knows this I think he's being cruel and somewhat manipulative to expect you to do so. At the very least he's not taking your situation into account and it's him being selfish.

MY Birfday. Me 60! Me want stuff!

I think a lot of people find it difficult to complain about lack of thought shown to them on their birthdays because they were brought up not to be "grabby" or told it's wrong to "expect" anything .... so consequently we put up with a lot of crap.

Thing is, it's not birthdays per se .... it's about hypocrisy and meanness. Fine, some people "don't do birthdays" but mostly, that'd mean that they don't want any sort of fuss made on their own birthdays (which of course is up to them). However, if they're genuinely nice people, and they knew that birthdays or Xmas were important to somebody they (supposedly) cared about, they'd almost certainly still make the effort to do something nice for them.

"Not doing birthdays" does NOT mean that you treat other people with a total lack of consideration but still expect bells and whistles on your own special day. That's NOT the actions of someone who "doesn't do birthdays" - that's the actions of someone who's selfish, entitled, lazy, mean, arguably spiteful, who considers that they are obviously far more important than you are ..... you're .... well, just nothing really, you can't possibly have any feelings ..... whereas they, they're special, they apparently deserve to have a special occasion made out of their birthday.

Hand on heart, are there any other examples you can think of where this man shows a similar lack of kindness and thought towards you ? Are there any other examples where he puts his needs or wants above yours ? ...... because while birthdays or Xmas are only occasional events, I find it very hard to believe that someone who could be so rudely mean spirited and arrogant wouldn't behave in a similar fashion at other times.

I'm afraid I agree with the previous posters who've suggested that he finds you a convenience but doesn't actually think that much of you to put himself out at all. The fact he was prepared to make an effort to mark his ex's birthday shows he can think about others when, for whatever reason, he cares enough about them to do so. But it would appear that he doesn't care enough about you to do the same.

I think any future birthdays you have would be a lot happier if he was out of the picture OP. I'd rather have nothing at all from no-one than some half heartedly given domestic appliance (unless I'd asked for it) or something offered at a completely different time in the vein of "that'll do for your birthday" with no bloody thought or effort at all given to making the day special. I can't abide meanness - and that doesn't mean I want or expect a lot of money spent on me - you can show consideration and thought in myriad ways which don't involve a lot of expense. However, the fact he is so much better off than you are does also add to the overall picture and reinforce his meanness. Expecting you to spend on him when he knows you struggle financially is also, to my mind, not just thoughtless, but pointed .... I don't know if I can articulate that correctly, but it smacks to me of spite, as if you're being tested, as if he enjoys putting you on the spot and being made to feel uncomfortable. It's extremely rude anyway to make demands, but to do so of a single mum whose kids should be her priority is just nasty.

Well, after that longer than intended post, my short answer would be to ditch the selfish hypocritical and mean bastard. It's doing you no good at all to remain in a relationship where you obviously value him a lot more than he values you .... surely his approach to birthdays is just one symptom of that. I bet there are other examples where you make his life easier than he makes yours (this is pure supposition but, for example, does he come round to yours for meals more often than vice versa, do you therefore spend more on him than he does you - despite your financial situation ?)

point to something you bought him earlier and tell him "this was your birthday present"

This.

Then tell him you told him what you're doing and if he doesn't like it, he doesn't have to have a birthday celebration.

Also, tell him his birthday etiquette is subpar.

My birthdays are not "big deals" but I still expect a nice celebration and one day where I feel special.

I think I would be extracting myself from this "relationship" pdq.

A start could be made by not getting him a present. This would hopefully mean the op can budget better this month and not have to have a handout from this person.

I think the financial arrangement you have with him means that you are not looking closely enough at how badly he is treating you.

Somebody up thread asked if you was claiming all you were entitled to, it's a very good idea. I think once you are not so financially dependent on his loans each month then you can measure the relationship more objectively

I feel so sorry for you OP, he had you exactly where he wants and it looks like he's getting all the benefits of this "relationship" with none if the practicalities of a real relationship. How he had managed to make you think this is all normal?

can you sort out your finances a bit more so you stop borrowing off him?
more hours at work?
money from child who works?
housing benefit?
other benefits?
lodger?

then see if you feel differently about this 'boyfriend'. he doesnt sound kind.meanwhile, mr right is out there and you are not looking

He sounds like an arse but there are elements of convenience on both sides. You both use each other as and when it suits.

See if you can sort out your money situation so he's not financing you and then review the relationship. I think you'll find that once you don't need him for financial reasons you'll be less inclined to put up with shit like this.