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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be more worried about the fact that i DON'T miss him?

29 replies

alwaystired81 · 18/07/2014 23:18

Two weeks ago OH was away for the week with work. Got back last Saturday, this weekend he is away all weekend at a stag do. So once again I am home alone with our 3 children (9,8 and 1) this doesn't bother me as much as the fact that it DOESN'T bother me IYSWIM. I have got to the point where I am feeling "seriously how would my life be different if he wasn't around?" Apart from the obvious financial difference I am struggling to see what would change, he does nothing with the children, never lets me have a lie in despite the fact that baby gets up every morning before 6am and we both work but even on weekends I am the one who gets up with her and he often stays in bed till at least 9 and then often has a bath so is not ready to "interact" with us till about 10am. I do all the washing,cleaning, cooking etc around the house he does nothing. I don't really know what I want you all to say I am just feeling so unhappy and it worries me that when he is away it's not that I miss him it's that I don't Xx

OP posts:
pictish · 18/07/2014 23:19

He's a useless lump. Why would you miss that?

MumOfTheMoos · 18/07/2014 23:20

The finances will sort themselves out, you know.

Doesn't it feel extraordinarily liberating to realise you don't miss him and you don't need him?

pictish · 18/07/2014 23:21

Sorry...that sounded so blunt there. I just mean that it's fairly obvious why you're not feeling any pangs. He's selfish, lazy and unhelpful, so your feelings of affection are bound to be scant aren't they?

AgentZigzag · 18/07/2014 23:23

It's definitely telling you something, but the things you describe can be resolved or are relatively minor, are they the only things making you feel unhappy? (not saying they're not enough, but you and him could be OK if he's great in other areas of your life IYSWIM).

Does he know you're so close to calling it a day? Is it something you've only thought about since he went away recently?

joanofarchitrave · 18/07/2014 23:23

So once 10am rolls round, does he pitch up and do something with the kids?

What would happen if you informed him that you have a weekend away to see friends set up next weekend?

7Days · 18/07/2014 23:31

I wouldn't read too much into not missing him. Many of the best relationships thrive on time apart.

The other stuff - well, you can't go on like that. Have you talked about it? There is no justification for that, I'd love to hear his reasoning why he thinks it's alright for you to do two jobs essentially, while he lies in bed, takes baths and goes for weekends away.

Tackle the division of labour/lack of respect thing - if you want - but don't assume not missing him is a sign there's nothing to save.

Original poster
alwaystired81 · 18/07/2014 23:33

Joan to be honest no even when he shows his face he is fairly disinterested and often short with the children, he would kick up an ALMIGHTY stink if I said I was even going out for the evening let alone a whole weekend!

Agent I wish he was great in other areas but I am struggling, it is a feeling that has been building for a long time.

pictish be as blunt as you like Smile

mumofthemoos yes, yes it does

OP posts:
pictish · 18/07/2014 23:35

he would kick up an ALMIGHTY stink if I said I was even going out for the evening let alone a whole weekend!

Well that speaks volumes doesn't it? He sounds dreadful.

joanofarchitrave · 18/07/2014 23:38

He's your husband - he deserves to be told that you are unhappy and to be given a chance to sort things out. It's not great that he has let things get to this state.

If I were you, I would take that break (have you had any time at all to yourself in the last 9 years?) Fix it maybe for a month's time. I would organise other family to come over and have the kids during at least parts of the day so that you don't worry about them. Then sit down with him and tell him that you feel so unsure of his ability to care for his own children that when you go away for a couple of days in August you feel unable to just leave him to it and that this can't be right. See what he says.

In the meantime, what will you do with your break? Go for a long solo walk, see an old friend?

CookieMonsterIsHot · 18/07/2014 23:40

You never go out for an evening?

Start going out.

So what if he kicks up a stink? What would happen?

pictish · 18/07/2014 23:42

Couldn't be with anyone that grudged me a night out, and wouldn't lift a finger. No siree!

BuggersMuddle · 18/07/2014 23:44

I clicked on here ready to say:

'Don't worry it's usual for close couples to enjoy time apart when they don't have it often etc.'

I do think that's true in general, but tbh your DP doesn't sound good for much. He shouldn't be adding to the burden.

I don't have kids so realise it's different, but when DP is away it's more about eating what I like, when I like. Not co-ordinating a schedule with anyone. Starfish in bed Grin. And yes, he's not without fault so his bizarre approach to dirty washing and other minor flaws are not missed, but they are minor in the great scheme and he has to tolerate as much. Your complaints don't sound minor.

If you're saying you get on better without and don't miss his company, then it does sound like you have serious questions about the relationship.

corkythecat · 18/07/2014 23:53

Its 50/50, he gets weekends away so why shouldn't you?
OK so you say he would kick up an all mighty stink but if he kicked and screamed like a massive toddler had an issue with you going away for one night what would the actual repercussions be? (apart from a sulky/ stroppy husband)

CookieMonsterIsHot · 18/07/2014 23:59

Why do you let him lie in bed at the weekend?

If my DH tried to take both of the weekend lie-ins, I'd be lying next to him in bed repeating "it is my turn for a lie in, your turn to get up" increasingly loudly. I would kick up a right stink if he refused. I would make damn sure he got no rest: loud music, shrieking games, jump on daddy games, time for all of us to sort out mummy's sock drawer.

If DH tried to make a habit of lounging around until 10, leaving me to do everything, at about 9am I'd be announcing that I was going for a run / to the shops (without DC) and then I would leave the house for an hour.

He only gets away with it because you let him. Why do you let him?

Original poster
alwaystired81 · 19/07/2014 00:03

Well that's the thing he is so sulky/stroppy that I just couldn't handle it so just don't even bother trying to go out now coz I can't deal with the almighty sulk that will inevitably come with it - he always acts so hard done by when he has to watch the kids (think Kevin the teenagers huge sighs) I often feel it's not worth the hassle

OP posts:
Ceadagam · 19/07/2014 00:07

Wow that's sad. Clearly something needs to change, you need to talk to him and try and figure this out before you make any decisions.

pictish · 19/07/2014 00:12

Why did he have children then? If looking after his own kids is such a drag for him that he can't allow his partner a night off without making her life miserable? What was the point?

I suppose he just assumed that you'd do it all. And he was right.

joanofarchitrave · 19/07/2014 16:24

OK.

What do you feel when you think about the future - just the two of you at home all day, retired, the kids not around any more?

ButtonBoo · 19/07/2014 17:03

Not suggesting that you walk away but I left ex-P earlier this year. Financially we are doing ok (not great but only a little below where I was before due to single status CTax, child tax credit etc) and life hasn't changed. I did everything before and I do everything now. Except....I'm not endlessly frustrated (by his lack of doing anything) and can do what we want to do when we want to do it. If we're up and ready, we go out. No hanging around. I only consider DD and me.

As sad as it was (other factors to split), I haven't looked back...

If you can't talk to him or you can but he doesn't listen/buck his ideas up, consider YOUR happiness. You get one life. Don't live it in a semi-state. Don't wait until the kids leave home and you're still living like this. You can work things so your kids don't lose out in terms of seeing their father etc. Separated but happy parents are much better IMO.

Be happy....

JackAndGills · 19/07/2014 17:11

He doesn't sound like much of a father to your DCs.

hamptoncourt · 19/07/2014 18:26

Swap him for tax credits.

He sounds like a bullying boring wankbadger.

areyoubeingserviced · 19/07/2014 19:05

You have spoiled him OP and therefore he is taking the piss.

Joysmum · 19/07/2014 19:11

You get treated how you allow yourself to be treated.

Work out what you want, demand it, and if that's fair and he doesn't comply, ditch him.

In the meantime, get on one of those calculation sure to work out what your finances would be if you split, many on lower incomes may actually find themselves no worse off.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 19/07/2014 19:12

He is a dick. But he has pretty much been permitted to behave like one.

So. Wjat are you going to do about this OP?

domoarigato · 19/07/2014 19:14

What CookieMonsterIshOT said. You are enabling him. I sometimes have to remind my DH to do stuff, but he does it in the end (just about).