To be a bit at the end of my tether with this?

[Daisby]

DD1 received driving lessons for her 17th birthday. Was very keen to start them, and be driving. After a few lessons we thought it'd be a good idea if we insured her on one of our cars so that she could practice outside of "official" lessons and hopefully make the process a little quicker.

The insurance was astronomical, so after a bit of thought we put it to her that we might buy a little banger of a car, as her early 18th birthday pressie/good exam results pressie/leaving school etc (basically, we'd buy this and then Bank of Mum and Dad was closed for business yeah right ) - this worked out over a grand cheaper than insuring her on one of our cars and it means that our other kids can use the car in later years to learn in.

She agreed wholeheartedly and was over the moon with the little car she/we chose. She was full of what she'd do and where she'd go once she had passed her test. She really could do with driving, as public transport is awful here and I do far too much driving around of kids as it is.

So fast forward a good few months.....she's having official driving lessons from an instructor, but refuses to practice in her own car. It sits decorating our street like a big shiny bauble. Every time we suggest a lesson to her, we are met with an excuse. Consequently, it's taking far more proper lessons for her to become competent - we are forking out for those every few weeks. I think the problem is that she is a bit lazy and cba to drive and we always are available to take her places etc. She is a fairly OK driver, even the instructor says just needs more practice and it seems mad that we are paying £16ish a lesson when she could be using her own car.

I feel aggrieved that we are forking out for car insurance/road tax etc for something that's not being used. I'm a bit resentful that we have facilitated lessons and the car and we are STILL expected to fork out for more lessons and still take her places. I wouldn't mind giving her lifts if she was showing willing to practice though.

AIBU to now say that we are not paying for any more lessons beyond this current block until she starts to practice a bit more? And another thought was that come September, when I start a new job, I won't easily be able to take her to school - AIBU to say she's to get the bus in order to "force" her to pull her finger out? I could take her if we rejigged the morning rush a bit and if she didn't have access to a car then I'd happily do that. However I feel a little bit mean that the lessons were her birthday present and we originally said we'd pay for as many as she needed. Am I being too soft/harsh/whatever?

Advice needed please!

Why not refuse to give her lifts unless she drives?

Because I often have our (much) younger child with us and obviously she can't drive with someone in the back and I can't leave the little person home alone much as I'd like to

DS learned the hard way NOT to buy a car until he had passed his test.

I think you should look at selling the car and putting a limit on the number of lessons.

We bought 6 lessons for each DC and they got jobs or used birthday/Christmas money (saved over the years) for the rest.

It concentrates the mind if they have to produce some effort and cash.

Lazyness is a fairly common teenage trait so they need a bit of motivation.

Fair enough, then she gets a lift for every practice session she does in the car. No practice, no lifts.

Is she anxious about being taken out by you, and just trying to hide it? Think about how you behave in the car with her, have you ever given her reason to think her driving frightened you or "wasn't good enough"? I ended up refusing to go out with my mum, as she was scared (nervous about cars after being in an accident when I was young) and wasn't giving me the help I needed to be a better driver.

Send her round to my house for a chat I had driving lessons gifted at 17 and tossed it off. I wasn't as fortunate, no one bought me a car but after getting pregnant, leaving home and all the expense of living independent I didn't learn to drive until I was 25 because I simply didn't have the money. Going anywhere was a pain in the arse as public transport here is a bit naff. I bitterly regretted not passing when I was being funded to do so.

Give her a time limit/money limit on lessons. If she doesn't progress/pass before X date then the bank of Mum and Dad will be closed for diving indefinitely.

She might not actually like driving.

Which is fair enough. As long as she's willing to use public transport.

Have you asked her why there's always an excuse to avoid the driving lesson?

She can drive with someone in the back

DS did when he was learning - everywhere we went, as much as possible, he drove. And DD was with us.

Surely that's the most sensible thing? Especially if she's past the scary new driver just sat in the car stage?

You're being too soft. I'd have loved this opportunity but my parents couldn't afford it.

You've spent a fortune already and she's taking the mick. Tell her that you won't be giving her lifts anymore and once this block of lessons is done you're not paying for any more, if she doesn't then pass her test ten you'll be selling the car.

It may seem harsh but your dd is incredibly lucky. Most parents can't afford to pay for lessons let alone buy/tax/insure a car for their DCs to learn to drive in.

She's had long enough to learn to drive.

If you plan on doing the same for your other DCs then one of the week long intensive courses would probably be cheaper in the long run.

I'm so tempted frogs BUT the birthday present was "lessons until you've passed your test" and I feel bad going back on that.

I'm not going to sell the car as a) I'm sure it'd only get back half of what we paid and b) it would have been something my parents did and I'm not sure I'm tough enough to give something, then take it away when she hasn't really done anything to warrant it being confiscated - she's a lovely person otherwise and we have no other problems with her.

I wouldn't take the car away, but I would be less obliging with lifts and explain why. You are trying to lead her to independence so she doesn't have to rely on people in future. You're not doing her any favours in the long run if you make it to easy for her - clearly there's little incentive at the moment while you're chauffeuring her around.

plecofjustice honestly, we ARE patient and kind, and always praise her massively. I don't think she loves driving, but she needs to drive. And she HATES using public transport as it's so rubbish here and few and far between so if you miss one bus you're fecked and soooo expensive.

Qcumber this is part of the reason she needs to learn - I just think it'll pass her by and then she will bitterly regret it.

canaryYellow she says she's tired/raining/slippy/too dark/too sunny etc. She won't come out with the real reason because she knows I'll hit the roof - it IS a laziness thing, she can tend to be lazy unless there's a deadline looming.....

acid test I thought the rules were that you couldn't drive with a passenger other than the supervising passenger?

crazykat I know she is incredibly lucky that she has these opportunities and that most teens haven't. What I will say is that it's not just a willy nilly present, it absolutely IS the only thing we can do for her (so we can't fund a gap year or whatever big treats other parents do) and it will be her 18th etc

natashabee she's had about 15 and I certainly don't expect her to have passed her test, just be more willing to practice. The instructor says all she needs is practice, but I feel that we could do that in her car rather than the instructor's at 16 quid a pop.

www.roadwise.co.uk/young-drivers/faqs#faq104

loads of googling suggests yes you can. Was worried - DS is 21 and thought maybe things had changed.

Personally I wouldn't have lessons with my parents either. My Mum didn't drive so that was out, but my Dad was a test driver for a living and drove tens of thousands of miles a year. He was also the most mild mannered man you could meet.

Putting us in a car together was just a nightmare. I left it parked in the middle of a main road once and walked home after he'd made a comment. DH had a similar experience.

It was those factors that made us 100% certain both our children wouldn't be getting lessons from us and if you asked them they wouldn't have wanted them anyway.

Have you asked your DD if she feels uncomfortable driving with you?

I suggest every time she asks for a lift, make her drive and when you are driving anywhere on errands, make her drive. Your DD can be a passenger, a law against that would be ridiculous! I used to drive to get petrol, go to the dump or pick up my brothers with my dad when I was learning.
Don't accept any excuses, she will have to drive in the rain/snow/sunshine when she has passed. If she truly can't drive because of the reasons she is giving you, she will never use her car on her own so you may as well get rid of it.

The day DS passed his test, he took DD out in the car and I was ill until he came back.

Just a forewarned.

Hmm - can't help thinking you've made a rod for your own backs there. My parents paid for a block of driving lessons then I had to pay for them myself and I did from the money I earned in my Saturday job. I had about 40 lessons before I passed my test at the second go - I just didn't feel confident driving until I'd had about 30 although my lovely instructor kept saying I should put in for my test.

Instructors' cars have dual controls - I would not have wanted to be taught by my DM!

If you feel she's making excuses why not just sell the car you've bought her? It's not being used so why bother having it? If she doesn't want to drive she won't care and if there is something else behind her reluctance it may come out. Alternatively it may galvanise her into action.

sistersofPercy she says she is fine driving with us and we went through this before we even bought the car - asked her if she would be uncomfortable with us etc. And we haven't once shouted or got upset with her, and praise her hugely and try and constructively talk about any errors.

acidtest I know! The thought of her taking DD2 out is frightening!

OK. I'm going to tell her that a) if she needs a lift anywhere, then she has to drive b) we are not paying for the next block of lessons.

I am positive that when I learned to drive millions of years ago there was a rule that only allowed the driver and the instructor in the car. Happily I'm wrong, so that makes it far harder for her to wriggle out of lessons and easier for us to "enforce"!

wowfudge I think we have learned an important parenting lesson! and definitely made a rod for our own backs!

There's not much point in her using two cars then, she should just use the instructors car until she passes then she can get confident in her own car. Whilst learning it will just be confusing switching between the two and she is probably nervous being in a car with no dual controls.

I never see the point in getting a car until you pass your test. Who is to say when she goes out with you or dad that she won't start picking up your bad habits ( we all get them once we pass our test) .

Don't start giving conditions on what was a gift - just wait till she passes her test, she will be out and about everywhere in her car, just cut her some slack until then.

I am very old and when I learnt to drive I had my mum and my two brothers in the car - I had to drive everywhere and I also got to kick my brother out and make him walk home once when he was being super annoying and my very patient dad even lost the rag

If you've said you'll pay for lessons until your DD has passed her test, you need to give her fair warning before you move the goalposts. Maybe that you'll pay for her next 10 lessons (she'll have had about 25 then, yes?) but she needs to practice in her own car as well (at least an hour a week), and if she doesn't then you won't be funding any more lessons.

I also reckon the "one practice session = one lift" scenario is a good one.

Your DD may not enjoy driving, but when her friends start passing their tests and have total freedom and independence, she will hate being the one standing at the bus-stop

I had loads of lessons and my father bought me an old banger to learn on too.

He used to take me out for Sunday afternoon drives with my then BF in the back.
He used to fall asleep in the front!

There weren't so many cars on the road in those days...

She needs the practice. I'm sure she'll tell you if you suggest something different to her instructor (their training is really strict and prescriptive). But don't leave the lessons open-ended. Could cost you thousands!