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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to assume he will pay

28 replies

sunflowerfi · 18/07/2014 11:18

For the last few weeks a guy I used to go to school with has been badgering me to go out with him on Facebook. Although I didn't really know him at school, I thought I might as well have a date with him as if nothing else it might be nice to catch up and reminisce.
Anyway, he has suggested a meal in a fairly expensive restaurant.
I am a skint single mum and can't afford these type of places. Am I being old fashioned in assuming that seeing as he asked me out and suggested the place, he will pay?

OP posts:
welshnat · 18/07/2014 11:20

Why don't you just say you would prefer somewhere more affordable as you're saving/short of cash and see if he offers to pay? I never assume someone will pay for me, but always nice if they offer.

HayDayQueen · 18/07/2014 11:21

No, not safe to assume at all. Tell him 'sorry, you can't afford somewhere like that'. THEN if he wants to pay, he will say 'don't worry, I'll pay', OR, if he was going to split, he should ask you where you'd like to go then.

CanaryYellow · 18/07/2014 11:22

If someone says "I'd like to take you out, I was thinking of X restaurant" then I'd assume they're paying.

If they say "do you fancy coming on a date with me, I'll book X restaurant" then I would be prepared to offer to go halves.

I think you'd better tell him "X is out of my budget I'm afraid, how about Y instead" and see what he says.

MimiSunshine · 18/07/2014 11:24

I don't know whether its old fashioned to assume but I wouldn't.

I have a friend that always insists if you're asked out then you don't pay. But you wouldn't expect a friend to pay for you if they suggested meeting up for lunch would you?

I would message him back and say, the restaurant looks lovely but a bit out of your price range at the minute and how about xyz.
He'll either say its his treat or say no problem and change the venue, if the latter then I don't think its a negative reflection on him, I would certainly expect to pay my way on dates.

Latara · 18/07/2014 11:25

I think you need to be honest and say ''I'd love to go to X, but it's quite pricey for me, how about Y instead?''

Hopefully he'll say he was going to pay anyway! But if he doesn't say that and agrees to go to 'Y' then it's safe to assume you're going halves.

Hope the date works out well for you.

aturtlenamedmack · 18/07/2014 11:26

Definitely not a safe assumption.
I'd be straight with him and say you'd like to go somewhere a bit more affordable.

Neverknowingly · 18/07/2014 11:27

Yes - very old fashioned! Totally unreasonable to "assume". What will you do if having eaten the meal he does not then offer to pay?

I would also explain too expensive for you and suggest somewhere more affordable. If he does offer to pay then great.

FriendlyAmoeba · 18/07/2014 11:31

If he asks, he pays. You ask, you pay. Mutual agreement, you both pay.

But.. never assume. Not everyone follows these rules.

I'd pick a place you can afford. You don't want a stupid misunderstanding to ruin the start to a potentially good relationship.

That said, if he's badgering you on facebook and not leaving you alone, I'd make very sure he's going to respect your no's and your boundaries... and no, I don't mean he's shady or anything, I just mean like sulking, persisting, or giving a bad attitude.

Greythorne · 18/07/2014 11:36

Definitely don't assume. You will be worried all night that you'll end up with 50% of a bill you can't afford.

Be honest.

If he doesn't want to go for a more reasonable night out, how compatible are you going to be?

PigletJohn · 18/07/2014 11:46

Certainly say if it is too expensive for you. If he wants to impress you by flashing the cash, he still can. But you have set your limits so he can't grumble if you take him to the 2-for-1 carvery next time.

It is quite common for men to be offended if they take someone out who constantly expects to be paid for, so get that out of the way so you are not stuck in a loop you can't afford. I don't know any decent men who would be offended by someone who was hard up.

(There are also women who get offended if they get taken out by someone who does not constantly expect to pay for them)

BackforGood · 18/07/2014 11:48

What HayDayQueen said at top of thread, and then others have agreed with.
You've been chatting anyway for a while - just be upfront and say you can't afford there - what about (insert your, more affordable choice) and then it's up to him to decide if he wants the expensive place and to treat you or is happy to go where you are more comfortable.

CaptChaos · 18/07/2014 11:50

I agree with everyone else who says that the best thing is to let him know that you'd rather go elsewhere as you can't afford that place.

I would NEVER expect a man to pay for me, date or not.

PigletJohn (There are also women who get offended if they get taken out by someone who does not constantly expect to pay for them)

Really? Still? Do they also wear twin sets and have their hair styled in victory rolls?

PigletJohn · 18/07/2014 11:53

I find it approximately amazing, but there still are.

CaptChaos · 18/07/2014 11:54

Good lord! Well, there's nowt so queer as folk Grin

marcopront · 18/07/2014 12:01

CaptChaos

Read this thread for some fascinating views on the subject.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2098291-To-expect-him-to-pay?pg=1

Viviennemary · 18/07/2014 12:04

I agree with saying it's too expensive for your budget at the meoment. And with any luck he should offer to pay. Grin But I agree that a woman shouldn't always expect to be paid for but I think it's OK on a first date.

Staryyeyedsurprise · 18/07/2014 12:05

CaptChaos

PigletJohn There are also women who get offended if they get taken out by someone who does not constantly expect to pay for them

Really? Still? Do they also wear twin sets and have their hair styled in victory rolls?

Oh yes, there was a thread on here a while ago and it was depressing reading. Most women said "hell no, you go halves on a first date" but there were quite a few who thought they wouldn't like to find a man was "stingy" - quite overlooking the point they the woman could be considered stingy if they didn't at least offer to go halves. There were also a few who dressed it up as striking a blow against the gender pay gap without considering that not every indivvidual man earns more than every individual woman and without demanding to comapre payslips in advancem it was quite a leap to make.

OP, I agree with the advice from evberyone else, be upfront and say you can't afford it and he either will make clear that he is paying or will offer to go somewhere else that is more affordable for you.

mommy2ash · 18/07/2014 12:07

I think it's best to be honest and say the restaurant is a bit expensive and suggest somewhere else. I would never expect someone to pay. the last time I did it blew up in my face and I was so confused I ended up paying lol

greenfolder · 18/07/2014 14:17

cant you suggest a meal in x pub- for old timesake or similar? tbh unless i knew he was loaded i would be a bit reluctant to go an expensive restaurant in case he was investing a bit more in the occaison than i was comforatable with.

redexpat · 18/07/2014 14:18

Assumption makes an ASS out of U and ME.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 18/07/2014 14:27

Just say your skint can you go somewhere just for a drink. See what he says. Would be awful to go there and then realise he is expecting to go halves, especially if you genuinely can't afford it.

Plus even if he's happy to pay this time it lets him know that if there is any further dates you won't in a position to reciprocate and pay for expensive meals

ApocalypseThen · 18/07/2014 14:31

Just ask, put your mind at rest. It's really inoffensive, it won't get things off on the wrong foot and you won't be stressing about how to figure out getting through the meal with the cash in your purse etc.

Picklepest · 18/07/2014 14:32

Just say I'd love to but I can't afford it. Either he will say "eh? It's my treat?" Or he will suggest elsewhere. Or you can suggest elsewhere

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/07/2014 15:07

In my world (feminist woman; very polite, well-drug up man) our first dates were him insisting on paying, me insisting on going halves, him eventually paying, me taking him somewhere next time and paying but never somewhere really expensive because he would feel sad. Grin Utterly ridiculous but it worked for us.

Talk to him about it. Better to get the cards on the table.

movingsoon23 · 18/07/2014 16:10

I wouldn't tell him you cant afford it - why not say you would prefer somewhere more relaxed that you can have a proper chat? 'Can't afford it' sounds like you are fishing around to find out if he will pay.