to say enough is enough

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

this is my third thread this week, and relates to the others but I need more opinions, I'm being treated like crap yet am somehow racked with guilt.

exp is withholding child maintenance from me this month (and has tried it before a few times before). over a dispute about travel and Christmas day. ie if I don't agree to what he wants he won't give me cm.

I have contacted child maintenance service so the ball can start rolling with getting what I am legally entitled to. however in the meantime I have been left short and had to borrow to pay the childcare invoice etc for this month

I've had enough of his bullying, and am so angry at the position he has put me in. we live about a 35 minute drive away from each other. up until three weeks ago, every weekend I dropped off DS to exps doorstep, and collected him too, as he lived near my work, I was struggling with the cost of petrol every month though going to and from work so when a job opportunity came up which was much closer to me I jumped at it, got the job, but now exp is not pleased as it means he now has to drive to see DS.

we had been meeting at a half way point, on Fri and Sun. but exp suddenly decided this wasn't working for him anymore, told me he would do one full trip down and that I could do the other then said he wants an answer right there and then whether I agree and he also wants DS on Christmas day (and an answer right there and then) I suggested we chat about it properly the following week when I have more time, he then cuts cm as that is not a good enough answer. charming.

aibu to completely wash my hands of him? he wants me to help out with travel costs but then won't pay cm! I want to stop running around after him. exp ended it with me via text when I was 5months pregnant (he had an ow) he has attempted to blackmail me a few times to get his own way. and I cannot stand the sight of him. I would never withhold access to DS of course, but tell him
that I no longer wish to help out with travel, after all, he is a wealthy man, with a car, and I do all the hard work with DS throughout the week. Why should I continue to run around to help out exp at the weekends too? if he wants access he can come collect and drop off

I know however what exp is like and will not take this lying down, so he will want mediation/lawyers involved to make sure he gets what he wants. and he will stop at nothing. but I'm well and truly fed up, and have had enough

You need to stand firm on the pick up and drop off arrangements. It's not about fairness - the money he gives you for cm is not money for you to spend on fuel supporting his contact with his son. The money is to spend on your son and everything he needs in his every day life.
If he's bringing fairness into this then where's the fairness in him running off with another woman and leaving you alone at 5 months pregnant???? Although if you don't mind me saying, it sounds like you had a lucky escape

Stand firm, he needs to pick up and drop off - my exH lives 50 miles away and it takes him just over an hour - he doesn't like if, but if he wants to see his kids then he has to do it

Please don't let this man bully you. If he refuses to being your DS back the you could call the police - not sure legally where you would stand but they might have a word. How old is DS? Is he due at school tomorrow?

Be strong!!

" I suggested he does the pu and do from now on and his answer was, on what universe is that fair?"

In this fucking universe. You look after his child for 5 days a week. You will make all arrangements for schools, doctors, dentists etc. You will be buying the clothes. You will be altering your life to fit in with the needs of your son. You will be taking suitable holidays. You will be taking your son to most of his clubs and sports events.

Your ex merely has to drive for an hour a week, give up some of his weekend (this will be optional for him) and pitch in with some cash every month to help provide his child with shelter, clothing and food.

It's very simple; having mustered the small amount of energy needed to father a child, this useless sack of shit is suddenly reluctant to supply the large amount of energy required to support said child to adulthood.

I am in agreement with most of the other comments. You should ignore anything that your ex says, since it's going to be inherently unreasonable.

If it did go to court judges often order 50:50 travel arrangements so if it does go that far, be prepared for that.

I thought they only did that for long distances Earth and if the RP is the one that created the distance. If the NRP moved 200 miles away then would a judge insist that the RP share? And for a half an hour journey I am not sure they would either would they? Seems a bit silly you cant get anywhere in 15 minutes round here!

I have seen it in shorter distances yes Bogey and yes also if NRP has moved away.

I didnt know that. I always assumed that short distances would be considered not particularly unreasonable. I also assumed that the person who did the moving would be expected to pick up the load for travel.

MN is an education!

thank you again for the replies. DS is 3, so no he's not due at Schol tomorrow but he starts pre school in August.

just home there, and once again feeling deflated and upset. I met him half way. we 'talked' but it was more him talking at me telling me how the world works

his argument was, he will not do all the travelling because by me asking that, I am taking the piss he then asked, I mean, what do you do at the weekends anyway? he is adamant I am being unreasonable. he wants 50/50 re travel because we have 50/50 responsibility for DS. erm, no we don't I said, I do 90% of the care/looking after etc. his argument to that is that he will happily have DS Mon-Fri and we can flip positions.

if I don't continue to at least meet him halfway he is going the whole hog with lawyers ie he's going to try for having DS 50% of the time. and he would then be more than happy to drive him to and from school!

this is all about money for him I feel , which he denies.

he then said he feels everything is being dictated to him with what happens re DS. what school he goes to etc, but of course DS would be going to the school, which is closest to me, he lives with me. it's a perfectly good school, the one I went to. exp is miffed as it is not a fee paying school. because of course that's the only type of school DS should be attending

he then went on to say that if I don't agree 50/50 travel, he will be cancelling cm from next month. (I didn't tell him I had contacted them) so I'll be very short for the next few months until the claim is completed and even then I probably won't get much as he is unemployed. but he also said he will not work for higher tax rate tax, have csa take money from his account (which a percentage will go to them, which I don't know if that is true or not) then pay for my lifestyle which will inevitably come from that so will Jack in the job and again live off his flats

I hate hate hate the man I need to talk to a lawyer asap

so if the courts would order 50/50 travel, then I am being unreasonable?
it just all seems so unfair to me but I don't know anymore

If he's not prepared to bring ds back, you're going to have to think about how you deal with that. It seems to me that your choice is to take it to court, or to tell him that if he can't bring ds back then ds doesn't go - which might precipitate him going to court.

Yeah, agree to meet him halfway. or court and no cm in the meantime seem to be my choices.

but no cm and cost of court is not an option arrggh! why can't he just be a decent, normal human being!!

Tell him no contact until he can give an undertaking that he will drop your ds off at the agreed time. And stop giving in to your xp, it will only make him bully you more. Until you stand up to him he will keep treating you like a doormat.