to say enough is enough

[attheendofmyteatheragain]

this is my third thread this week, and relates to the others but I need more opinions, I'm being treated like crap yet am somehow racked with guilt.

exp is withholding child maintenance from me this month (and has tried it before a few times before). over a dispute about travel and Christmas day. ie if I don't agree to what he wants he won't give me cm.

I have contacted child maintenance service so the ball can start rolling with getting what I am legally entitled to. however in the meantime I have been left short and had to borrow to pay the childcare invoice etc for this month

I've had enough of his bullying, and am so angry at the position he has put me in. we live about a 35 minute drive away from each other. up until three weeks ago, every weekend I dropped off DS to exps doorstep, and collected him too, as he lived near my work, I was struggling with the cost of petrol every month though going to and from work so when a job opportunity came up which was much closer to me I jumped at it, got the job, but now exp is not pleased as it means he now has to drive to see DS.

we had been meeting at a half way point, on Fri and Sun. but exp suddenly decided this wasn't working for him anymore, told me he would do one full trip down and that I could do the other then said he wants an answer right there and then whether I agree and he also wants DS on Christmas day (and an answer right there and then) I suggested we chat about it properly the following week when I have more time, he then cuts cm as that is not a good enough answer. charming.

aibu to completely wash my hands of him? he wants me to help out with travel costs but then won't pay cm! I want to stop running around after him. exp ended it with me via text when I was 5months pregnant (he had an ow) he has attempted to blackmail me a few times to get his own way. and I cannot stand the sight of him. I would never withhold access to DS of course, but tell him
that I no longer wish to help out with travel, after all, he is a wealthy man, with a car, and I do all the hard work with DS throughout the week. Why should I continue to run around to help out exp at the weekends too? if he wants access he can come collect and drop off

I know however what exp is like and will not take this lying down, so he will want mediation/lawyers involved to make sure he gets what he wants. and he will stop at nothing. but I'm well and truly fed up, and have had enough

yes greenfolder, I've thought for a while now that he's not been working. his threat to me when I was pregnant that he would not pay a single penny to me, and make sure of it by giving up work and making his flats work for him as income sounded very real.

he's very twisted, and will stop at nothing to make sure he gets what he wants. he's also very clever. when I first met him, he wasn't declaring income on his flats he rented out, and didn't have an hmo licence for them. but I bet he has declared one or two, but not all of them. he knows how to hide his income. but yes hopefully he wI'll have to work at some point

I'm sorry this happened to you numtum it's awful

The way you describe it - there's no point in giving in to him as he still won't pay anyway. Report him to the income tax people instead, and keep up the CSA claim. Once HMRC have established what he has coming in, then CSA can award you a fair share. It's not like building work where he can be paid cash in hand: any sensible tenant is going to be paying with bank transfer these days to cover their own back. There will be records of payments. It was income tax that did Al Capone in...Good luck OP.

thanks one perfect. I'll try that. I hope they will be able to see his bank transfers and catch him that way but I'll expect the worse.

this has been his grand plan for a while, he'll have thought it all through. I ccontacted his brother, in the hope he would have a word with him and knock some sense into him but no reply so now I feel stupid too, of course he would take his side

What he won't have thought about is you fighting back, and not giving in on anything. The answer on Christmas is "not at all." if he wants to see DS on christmas day, he's going to have to fit round your plans. If he wants to see DS he's going to have to make the effort.

do what perfect says, he's unlikely to be as clever as he thinks he is.

Plus if he intends to drop out of your DS's life, he'll do it at some point anyway. If he loves his son and wants to be part of his life, then he'll complain, but if that's what it takes to see his son, he'll do it. Put it the other way, if your exP had custody, how much effort would you put in to see your boy? Would a 40minute drive twice a week make you think being a parent wasn't worth it?

Did I hear mention of him having flats? Csa had no joy for years with my ex until they found a property that he owns and rents out. They threatened him with a charging order in the property and would have forced a sale but he paid up sharpish.

The other thing is that there was always a significant financial difference between myself and my ex but my now grown up dc just hold him in contempt for the way he has behaved, he could never put them first so don't worry about him becoming fun dad that role won't survive scrutiny once your ds is a bit older.

Sorry for your stress re cm. I had this with my ds father with holding money wanting me to do 50 percent of travel which is two hours away anyway from February this year I had enough I basically said if he did not step in pay fairly and travel fairly I was done he cd jog on as in not see our son unless he did all the travelling and the money I get pays 50 percent of school fees ds wd be moving schools. Anyway fast forward 6 months money is regular travel and planning dates regular much much better. What I'm saying probably badly is that my sons dad is a bully used cm as a form of control and when I stood to him and faced the fact I may not have any cm I felt more in control and peaceful. Also if he is a twat like you describe it will always be one thing after another to get his way stand firm now although it took me ages to get this into my head as I was scared of ex going mad !

And btw i would not be keen to establish a pattern of contact/access for your ds staying with his dad every weekend as opposed to every other weekend. If it does go to court then the courts may support keeping the status quo (every weekend or EOW). I don't know how old your son is, but when he is at school, do you really want to spend all week doing the stressful school run, homework, bath, bed, no time to relax stuff and then not see him at all on the weekends?

I hope you get this sorted, but CM and access is 2 different things.

Of course with no CM you can't put the fuel in the car to take him.

If it does go to court then make sure it's in the order that he has to pick him up and drop him back up.

I would be stopping contact.

If he can watch his own son go without, then he doesn't love him. Simple as that.

What good does it do for your son to see someone who doesn't give a damn about his wellbeing?

I'd stop all contact, change phone numbers, block him from my email address, move house. But perhaps I am biased as I was where your son is now, as a child.

You do realise that his withholding cm because you wouldn't give him instant answers - i.e. give in to him - is just a manipulative lie? He has said that to try to make you blame yourself when he was already planning to leave his job or had already left it.

I'm guessing he finds himself in the position where his undeclared income from his investments is enough for him to live on, along with any benefits he is claiming. He is shafting everyone so please don't cave in to this bully. Get even via the proper channels. You and your DP are making a new life for your family - your ex is a nasty control freak who does not deserve the satisfaction of wrecking your lives.

Fight fire with fire hun! Ring the income tax office and explain that he has flats he doesn't declare and they will investigate also report him to benefits office for the same and they will suspend everything until they have fully investigated. Sounds petty but he needs to learn you aren't afraid of him.

I don't agree that stopping contact is the answer but I would point out to him that as he is no longer paying cm then you cannot afford to do any running about and that as he is no longer working you expect him to step up and take on some extra childcare so that you can carry on working to keep a roof over your dd's head

he has just left there with DS. we talked for over half an hour at the front door. he said he stopped working a few months ago, and that he didn't have to continue the cm payments since he is unemployed but he did anyway (such a hero)

he claims that as his rental income does not generate any income, csa would not make him pay and that I must not know a lot about finance if I believe otherwise. ha!!!!

he also said he has not been withholding cm. as he's going to pay it in today. but that comment only came after I said, since there is no money in my account I will absolutely not be doing 50% of travelling to facilitate contact and I will absolutely not agree to DS going to his on Christmas day.

but then he went on to say that he wants a custody order, where he has DS 50% of the time. and offered to take him Mon-Fri (because I put across my argument that I do all the hard work Mon-Fri so at the weekend when it's his time he should use that time to travel)

upthread it was suggested I get a residency order. has anyone had one before? is it easy enough to get? or would he have to agree to it?

he then went on to tell me how unreasonable I am 're Xmas day and travel. am I? I know everyone works it differently but he is hell bent on having him, if he doesn't, he will go down the legal route. we had already agreed to me having DS every Christmas eve into Christmas day, then he could have him that evening, or from boxing day onwards and for as long as he likes. but now he's changed his mind I feel completely bullied into agreeing to it.

he said he would put the cm in my account today, after I said no money means no petrol to help with travel

but that's exactly why he's going to put the cm in, so he feels it's my duty to meet him halfway. and if I say no, I'm being the unreasonable one again!

typo. his rental income does not generate any profit*

The travel seems quite normal, we do all the travelling to pick up or drop of dsc's (we only live half a mile awaybut ex refuses) and as long as you agree to aalternate Christmas day so he has one year you the next etc then that is fine. If you are insisting on Xmas day every year then I am afraid that would make you unreasonable and the court would probably rule in his favour

Talk to local solicitors as some doe free half hour consultation or try your local law centre or citizens advice for more info

thank you wheresthelight.

that's good to know, and would I be seen to be unreasonable not to help with the travel?

if he wasn't such a bully and generally a horrible person, I probably wouldn't mind so much, but from day 1 I've had threats thrown at me and perhaps that's got my back up but he earns a lot, I struggle, I do all the hard work (not that I'm complaining) then I'm still running around for exp at the wkends too. seems unfair to me

Start making a record and go back historically if you can remember it all and document every threat, day/time etc. Also consider speaking to you local pcso about his treats as it could amount to harassment or even abuse (which would help younger legal aid) but also gives you more evidence for court that he is an arse.

As far as I know from a friend who had similar issues as the rp your only obligation is to make ds available for contact. It is up to exp to arrange to pick up and drop off.

Now you could agree that you meet half way as per previously on the condition that he stops the threats etcbut as long as ghe is trying to bully and intimidate you then you will not put yourself out.

Do not back down!! He is used to getting to his own way and is miffed because he isn't getting it at the moment.

His threats not treats lol

good advice there, thank you. I suggested he does the pu and do from now on and his answer was, on what universe is that fair? so i start doubting myself again. I'll do what you said, which is a very good idea, then will try to speak to a lawyer about it. I'd like to avoid court etc of course. the last week has been hell for me, I'm a nervous wreck and it affects my work etc so goodness knows what I'd be like with that hanging over me too.

I'm not even sure if he knows he's bullying. I think he is just so entitled and if there's something he wants he will do ANYTHING for it.

his comment about 50% custody may I add was followed by, 'that way I won't have to pay you anything'. it's all about the money for him.

It's a 35 minute journey, for goodness sake, why would he need "help" with it? Most people do that sort of journey every day to work or to children's schools without thinking twice.

If he wants to know in what universe it's fair that he do the pick-ups, tell him it's the universe where he feels free to withhold maintenance for his child whenever he feels like it.

that's what I thought. but for some reason, that's a huge ask, I think I'll agree to Christmas, alternate years. but hold firm about the travelling, he will of course stop cm or at least deduct what he sees fit for petrol. he is that much of a wanker and did that before too.

but next month I'll be more prepared. it won't be a complete shock to me, hopefully child maintenance service will be closer to getting hold of him but he will no doubt dodge the letters. I can do this though, dp and I will reign in with the finances. he's already offered to do overtime to make up the money, which is unfair on him but we can't let exp rule the roost and dictate what happens anymore

Good for you hun!! Stand up to him cos he will shit bricks if he isn't used to it!!

Let him threaten to reduce cm etc as it will all go in your favour if it goes to court!! Make sure you document every payment, communicate via email only so it's traceable back to roots and everything is supported with evidence. If he refuses and tries to talk about it just hold fast and say you will not take his abuse so anything he has to say he can email it to you and you will deal with it then.

Likewise when he doesn't pay cm (and csa will deduct it from job seekers even of only £5 a week!) email him and politely say that he must have forgotten to pay could he make sure cm at X amount is in your account within 24 hours.

Always maintain politeness and composure (email will help as it gives you time to calmly reply rather than off the cuff in person)

He is massively in the wrong and he knows it but he is counting on his bullying tactics to wrong foot you amd make you give in

ok so like I guessed, exp is now demanding I drive up to his to collect DS tonight. and that is why he put cm in my account on Saturday, so I owe him that (in his eyes, not mine)

I wanted to have a quick chat to him tonight about going forward, and tell him I will no longer be helping him out with travel, so said I would meet him halfway (that way if he makes a scene, at least it's there and not in my street!)

but he's giving me grief. saying that unfair and I am being unreasonable

give me strength mumsnetters! I'm doing the right thing, aren't I?

(I''ve already agreed to alternate Christmas days with DS)

although if I'm in the area, which I will be next weekend plus again a fortnight after that, of course I will help out

anyone?