To tell DH he can't buy something?

[SassehMonsta]

We're expecting our first child in Dec. Been married for 2.5yrs and living together for much longer - Im 24, hes 22. I've always been in charge of finances as he is rubbish, and when we started out together he didnt have any money/income etc. Now hes the higher earner (I only work 2-3 days a week, hes got a full time contract) he has it in his head he can go out and jist blow all our money on gadgets. I didnt mind too much at first, he invested in a pc he'd been after for ages with his first pay check. But now he wants a wii U. Hes beem bugging me about it since last year and each time Ive said no, we have more importnant things to spend our money on - getting a deposit down on a place to live (renting), paying bills, household items like a fridge, dishwasher etc. Month before last he went out one.day after work and convinced me to buy a 3DS & a couple of games and a memory card etc. This month we've bought a dishwasher.
Today, after saying no to a wii U once again (we.have a wii that he never plays, nvm an xbox 360, xbox, ps2 etc) hes.said that maybe he will stop working becaise whats the point of working if you dont get to spend your own money.

I mean, its not like we have bills to pay, rent to pay, a dog who requires medication every day, and several other things we need to get (current list includes turf & a new.mattress)! No, apparently he.wants to spend all our money on a stupid games console, and when he doesn't get his own way he.has a childish strop.

I probaby wouldnt mind so much if we could afford it, but i've been off work with Hyperemesis and Im still trying to get back into the rhythm of things again, so my incomes down too. Aaaarrggghhhh

so tell me, AIBU?

It might be better if you agree an amount respectively from wages and put it in a joint account for essentials. Then you each have your own money after that. I don't think I'd take kindly to being told I wasn't allowed to buy something with my own wages.

He does sound rather immature. I hope he gets his priorities into better order before the baby arrives. If he will be the main earner then he cannot justify blowing most of the family finances on tut.

Tell him he can save up and the wii u can be a joint Christmas present to look forward to. Other than that, budget for buying a house and things for the new baby.

I am on a ban from buying something at the moment.

Its something I badly want but don't need beautiful beautiful boots.

Quite right too, as we have other things that need our financial attention.

I think its ground you need to tread carefully -by rights we all should have money we can spend as we please, but as a family there is an impact if one buys something the other sees as a complete luxury if more mundane needs are pressing.

All our money is joint, we have access to all our accounts. But realistically money for rent and.bills and food has to come first. I have to pay put for all food and petrol & such and we split it equally (he pays rent, I pay bills & other things). I just dont think he understands the amount of money gping out already each month, & showing him the numbers doesnt help (done that before).

If I want to make a large purchase (anything over 50) thats primarily for me, and possibly frivillous (ie, a nice dress, a game I've got my eye on) I llcall him first. Everytime I can prettymuch guarantee its a "no, we cant afford that" - yet paying 400 for another sodding games console is acceptable? Feel like its double standards.

It's great in some ways that all your money is joint, but literally having ALL of it held jointly isn't working for you. If he's crap with money, then you need to take charge.

Set up a separate account for all the essential bills. Get them all running automatically on direct debits that all come out around the same time. Get standing orders set up to pay into your bill account from the money you have coming in, to cover all the bills going out. Then work out what you have left to spend on food and other essentials like travelling to work. What's left is what you can spend on whatever you want. If you both know that, say, you have £60 a month as 'pocket money' you can save it or spend it as you choose.

OK. Double standards aren't acceptable at all. YANBU.

Agree -if you pull in the reins, then so does he.

This is what happens when you get with a man child and make babies while they are still young. They haven't had the joy of having money for long enough to get it out of their system before it all gets sucked away by the grown up stuff.

Agree with the others. not ALL money should be joint.

Do a budget to figure out how much of the joint income is needed for bills, then for savings. Split the rest into "yours" and "his" spending money.

or, agree on a set amount of spending money per week and put the rest into savings.

Somesortofdeliciousbiscuit has it absolutely right.

Also get everything down on paper so he can see where the money is going and also agree some saving targets - if you want a deposit/stuff for the baby etc

Anyway, if he has a room full of games that he no longer uses, can you agree that he he sells something before he buys a new one?

Has you been married since he's 19 1/2??? Jeepers, that is so young to settle down. I do feel for you both, early 20s is hard to give up all the fun things in life for a dishwasher etc. Good luck to both of you.

it sounds like you already have a child

Why the hell does one person need so many consoles? And need to buy another one? He is a marketing man's dream-buy the next one, buy the next one.... He needs to grow up-he is a married man with a child on the way and financial responsibilities!!

He sounds very immature

Are you still living at one of your parents houses? I can't tell from your OP.

DD1 is 12, she REALLY wants a wii-u too. But she is willing to wait until Christmas. Even though she has enough saved to buy one, she agrees it would make a great family gift.

He is a lot older than DD, But would he wait until Christmas too???

What we started, once we were no longer completely broke was to have all money coming in to the house come into our joint account, from which everything got paid out.
Each month after pay day, we then both got the same amount - for want of a better word - of 'pocket money'. It's then up to us what we spend it on / or if we save it. dh spends all his on stuff I certainly see as either a waste of money, or just extravagant - but it no longer riles me, because that amount each month, is his to do as he likes with, and mine is for me to do what I like with.
Obv. you work out the amount from what you have left after paying all your outgoings - rent / food / travel / utilities / insurance / day to day living / all costs associated with having a home or having a car / emergency or unexpected expenditure fund. You then look at what you've got and decide how important it is to you as a couple to be saving - for a deposit / for a holiday / for a pension / for a rainy day - and then see what would be a reasonable amount to have each, each month.

I should have said, we did this, so I know firsthand it works. We don't have joint accounts because of poor credit history, (we're both crap with money!) so I set up a second bank account in my name only, which we've designated as the bill account. We cut up the debit card for it because we never, ever spend from it. It's a Santander 123 account, so we actually earn money by paying our bills this way as it gives you cashback on utility bills, council tax and tv/broadband paid from it. It charges us £2 per month but the cashback earned is about £4, so the account pays for itself.

My DH is a gamer and always trades in his old games to places like Grainger and CEX. It doesn't always cover the cost of the new ones he wants, but it goes a long way towards it. He often wants special editions of certain games, which can cost around £100, so he'll trade in as much as he can beforehand and then cuts down on his other spending where he can (packed lunches to work instead of buying lunch, etc).

We don't have much money at all as only DH is working, but by arranging our bills like this we're finally starting to build up a small amount of savings too, which we've never been able to do before, and we both know exactly what's ours to spend, too.

I echo what the other poster said about it being hard when you have children young, because you haven't had much time to throw money around on yourself before you're hit with the responsibility of paying for a family. I bet you anything your DH is finding it hard because he's comparing himself to friends and colleagues the same age who haven't made the same commitments.

Someone told me something that stuck with me once, which is that when you first set up house, don't expect the same standard of living that your parents had. They had years and years and years to build up to it. I think a similar thing applies here - don't expect the same standard of living that your childless/single/living-at-home friends have, because you're at different stages of your lives despite being the same age. Sounds SO obvious when you see it written down, but it took us ages to realise!

Both pay into a joint account for all household expenses. Work out the monthly amount and both Direct Debit it in on payday.

At this stage based on what you've said about his spending, have separate savings accounts and current accounts for your personal spending e.g. clothes, boy toys. Encourage him to open and contribute to his savings account now that he earns more.

As he earns more than you, you could also suggest that he contribute a little more to the household costs than you do?

Get him to trade in old games and console to put towards it if he's so desperate for one, then the amount Henderson frontages will drop massively.if he doesn't users or play the game it can go!

He needs from wages* (Henderson frontages??!!!)

I think given his age he's probably still struggling with the realisation that once you get paid most of the money in your account is already spent just on living. I've never understood the going mad after pay day because the money has to last the month.

I expect you need to sit down and do a proper budget to make him see where all the money goes. You could start saving money towards essentials e.g. baby stuff but also frivolous stuff like game consoles.

I do hate that self pitying entitled attitude towards acquiring stuff - my DH suffers now and again. Currently he wants a BMW 7 series which I vetoed so he acts like I'm denying him one of life's essentials. No matter that we wouldn't all fit in it never mind the expense!

we set up separate accounts for spending money. things that are non essentials frivolities come from own accounts. or say one needs a phone, but wants to upgrade to a better version, they pay the extra out of own money.

My son is 23, his fiancee is a wee bit older, he earns more.

They have a joint account that they have their wages paid into. The bills and mortgage come out of that and they put away a set amount every month to savings. Whatever is left they split 50/50 into their personal accounts. He is left with less out of his wages and she is left with more but they both have the same amount for personal spends, so they feel it is fair.

I think you should do the same. So if he wants to go without for a few months so he can buy his gaming system, thats up to him. If you want to put yours into savings in your own name, thats up to you. But there should be no subbing, he will only learn how far money goes if he has to make it stretch. So dont fall for "shall we eat out this weekend?" "oh, I cant afford it......" so you end up paying every time.

I don't understand why you're asking your DD to wait until Christmas to spend her own money, MomOfTwo.

I think that Mom was saying that her DD could buy it now for herself with her savings OR she could wait until Xmas and the family could receive it as a gift, so she gets a share in a Wii U and still has her savings. The DD chose to wait and have a share and then spend her savings on something else, so best of both worlds for the DD.