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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to consider pulling out of this party because of who else will be attending?

34 replies

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 16/07/2014 11:20

Would it be really childish/petty/disrespectful?

It's the wedding anniversary of a very dear friend of mine (let's call her Joy), and she has invited all of her friends for a big party. She is a fantastic host, very hospitable, and has a wide and diverse social circle. So I was looking forward to her anniversary party planned for a couple of weeks time. This morning, though, Joy sent a circular email round containing the entirely guest list, asking us just to confirm numbers for the catering.

One of the other invitees (let's call him Pete) is the man who, about 18 months ago, sent me a couple of pieces of what I think can only be described as hate mail last year - and he cc-ed the correspondence to virtually all of the other guests. Unfortunately for him, Pete didn't realise that both the Data Protection Act and Equalities Act make it illegal to use a charity mailing list to disseminate your discriminatory views of a trustee's wife... but whereas the whole thing caused significantly more distress for Pete than me, I still don't wish to share a room with Pete ever again, for any purpose. And more to the point, I don't feel comfortable putting my children in a room with someone who has expressed the kinds of views towards them that Pete has.

Would it be unreasonable to ring Joy to explain that I am not comfortable attending and/or bringing my children with Pete present? I would be happy to take the host out for lunch and/or drinks myself to make it up to her.

But if it would be inappropriate to pull out at this stage because of Pete, would it be unreasonable to ask Joy to have a quiet-yet-firm word with Pete telling him not to approach me or my children at any point during the party? (Though knowing Pete as I do, this would probably be pointless... I can very much envisage him trying to corner me to defend his views of me yet further).

Or would it be a real cop-out just to feign clash of commitments/illness and to pull out without telling Joy why? (Though I think she'd realise...)

OP posts:
cailindana · 16/07/2014 11:22

Does Joy know the situation?

BookieTubules · 16/07/2014 11:23

You don't want to go, and for a very good reason. I'd tell Joy so. Don't lie.

Original poster
BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 16/07/2014 11:25

Yes, Joy knows the situation. She was one of the people Pete cc-ed into his string of emails - and the one, now I remember, who pointed out that he'd broken the DPA.

OP posts:
BrucieTheShark · 16/07/2014 11:25

I would email and say why, but cc everyone else in too.

What's good for the goose and all that.

BrucieTheShark · 16/07/2014 11:26

If she is such a dear friend of yours, why is she still socialising with him?

I assume his comments were deeply offensive, given your feelings about him now.

Vivacia · 16/07/2014 11:28

I would tell her and briefly explain why. Do include your offer to take her out for lunch. Don't make it all about you by asking her to speak to this man. She obviously enjoys his company enough to invite him.

Tortoiseturtle · 16/07/2014 11:28

Just let Joy know and pull out. She obviously doesn't think that his behaviour was that bad or she wouldn't have invited him. Don't make use of her party to pour more oil on the flames with Pete.

Original poster
BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 16/07/2014 11:30

Brucie I'd rather not initiate WWIII by bringing it all up again. I suspect it would just send Pete off to fire off more emails.

It's surely up to Joy who she socialises with and invites to things. I don't see what would be gained by her cutting Pete off on my behalf, especially as this is the first time in 18 months that Pete and I have collided socially again.

OP posts:
Thenapoleonofcrime · 16/07/2014 11:30

I would just be honest, ring her up and say 'I don't want to come because Pete's coming, he's been horrible to me' and see what she says. I wouldn't lie, or ask her to drop him (although odd she didn't see the obvious potential for a clash). Just say you aren't coming, don't grovel, it's only a wedding anniversary party and some people won't make it anyway.

It is odd she wants to stay friends with him if he's so horrible, but I wouldn't implode your own friendship with her over it (unless you want to).

FriendlyAmoeba · 16/07/2014 11:36

Why should you miss out because Pete's an asshole?

I would go and ignore him, and enjoy your other friends. Just be light and breezy if he tries to talk to you. Brush him off like the small person he is.

lurkerspeaks · 16/07/2014 11:41

I think if you don't want to go you shouldn't.

You should also probably tell Joy that but you need to be careful not to avoid looking like you are asking her to edit her guest list to accommodate you.

Despite The terrible behaviour of this individual your friend has chosen to invite him (you can think what you like of that decision) but you can't ask her directly IMO not to socialise with him (and actually I don't think you were. It is just that she might interpret your decision not to go as a blackmail attempt to get her to uninvited him in preference to her.

OvertiredandConfused · 16/07/2014 12:00

I wonder if one of the reasons she sent the guest list is so you'd know.

It's a tough one and I've been in a comparable situation. You have to decide whether avoiding Pete means you're willing to miss out on some occasional activities that you'd enjoy. There is not a right answer to that question.

If you don't feel able to go then explain to Joy as briefly and low-key as you can. You already know it's important to be as neutral as you can in terms f expecting her to take sides. And do offer a lovely lunch.

If you go then just keep away from him. If he approaches you just be dignified and say "I don't want to spoil Joy's party but I have nothing to say to you, please leave me (and my family) alone" and walk away. If that doesn't work, leave discretely.

Original poster
BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 16/07/2014 12:03

Overtired I suspect you're right - she doesn't usually email around her guest lists in advance.

OP posts:
Droflove · 16/07/2014 12:04

I think this is an issue between you and Pete. Don't go if you don't want to but I wouldn't political Joy in an awkward position of making her feel she has let you down or has to choose between the 2 of you. He is on the list but are you sure he's going?

Enb76 · 16/07/2014 12:08

I agree with Overtired - she's been very careful to tell you in advance so you won't be shocked when you see him. I'd go, have a fabulous time and ignore him.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 16/07/2014 12:11

As Joy is already aware of the situation I think it is sensible to say, since that business last year I don't want to be in close proximity to Pete. Is there a reason Joy is still friends with him given his behaviour?

AllMimsyWereTheBorogoves · 16/07/2014 12:20

Did she cc the email to the whole list? Not a good idea because of spam. You might want to mention to her that it's better to bcc in future, if that's the case.

I've been in a slightly similar position. There had been a long, complicated saga (many years ago now) which ended rather badly for me. I was very upset by it and quite a few people knew that. One of the people concerned came up to me during a social occasion and said that she thought it was a bit silly that we weren't speaking and that we ought to get back to normal. No attempt at apologising for what had happened or even trying to find out why it had upset me so much. I was caught completely off guard, became upset and ended up having to go home early. I'm not normally a pathetic person but that evening was ruined for me and frankly it confirmed my view of the person concerned as having all the social sensitivity of a rhinoceros. It was a huge relief to me when she and her family left the country.

I would say that forewarned is forearmed. Either:

  • go, but with a prepared script so that if Pete approaches you you will know what to say

or

  • don't go, but let Joy know why and as others have suggested invite her out for a separate celebration

Good luck either way!

Enb76 · 16/07/2014 12:22

Of course - Pete may turn the invitation down as well. I assume that this was sent to all parties to confirm attendance. He maybe going through exactly the same dilemma. I'd be the bigger person and go - why should you hide!

Birdsgottafly · 16/07/2014 12:23

It would be really unfair to drag Joy into you "not wanting to be in the same room as Pete".

She doesn't need her wedding anniversary marred by this.

The suggestion of cc in all the guests when saying why you wouldn't be going, would be the height of selfishness and self centeredness.

Don't ask her to have a word with Pete, it's her celebration of her marriage.

Tell her you can't make it, if you really can't ignore Pete.

Personally I would show my face, play it by ear and tell him straight if he approaches you.

hamptoncourt · 16/07/2014 12:35

I wouldn't go - he sounds awful so why put yourself, and your children dear God, through this.

Call Joy, don't text her as it might be misread, just call and say that given everything that happened, you do not wish to attend any function he is at but that you hope all goes well and are happy to do something different to celebrate.

Pagwatch · 16/07/2014 12:40

I had this recently .
I contacted my friend, apologised and explained that I couldn't attend because x invitee is an absolute twat and I did not wish to be In a room with her, I wished my friend a lovely evening .
It wasn't a problem, my friend understood.

UptheAnty · 16/07/2014 12:42

I wouldn't ask Joy to have a word, that may just be difficult for everyone.
I have declined invitations due to certain people on the guest list.... Life is just too short.
I have never informed the host why, just gave appropriate escuses with good notice.
You don't need to even go through the charade, joy knows the history... Just be honest.
Tell joy it is her special evening & the last thing she needs is possible atmosphere caused by anyone.

BrokenButNotFinished · 16/07/2014 12:44

I wouldn't let a lowlife stop me attending a do I was looking forward to.

Put your shoulders back, chest out, chin the air and walk in there like you have every right to do. Avoid Pete - and if he approaches you, have words ready relating to his harassing you. It's going to be a public place: what can he do that won't reflect badly on him??

Presumably Joy - with her wide and diverse circle - considered whether or not to invite him and decided to do so would be the more magnanimous option.

flyingtrue · 16/07/2014 12:50

YANBU if you really don't want to go, seems a shame for you to miss out.

I would personally go but warn Joy that you will not be having any communication with this man after what's happened, you aren't interested in an apology and you are looking forward to spending time celebrating with her but you have to protect yourself and your family. So he stays away from you and you will from him. If she wants to invite him that's her choice, but you don't even have to acknowledge him. I'd look right through him and have a lot of fun with others.

If he approaches you then cut him off, turn your back and walk away. By telling Joy she should tell him in advance.

Igggi · 16/07/2014 12:54

I would generally agree that you shouldn't be curtailed by an idiot like this, but your children are involved and you don't want them to witness any unpleasantness from this guy. Give it a miss. It's a shame your friend is still involved with him.

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