Would it be really childish/petty/disrespectful?
It's the wedding anniversary of a very dear friend of mine (let's call her Joy), and she has invited all of her friends for a big party. She is a fantastic host, very hospitable, and has a wide and diverse social circle. So I was looking forward to her anniversary party planned for a couple of weeks time. This morning, though, Joy sent a circular email round containing the entirely guest list, asking us just to confirm numbers for the catering.
One of the other invitees (let's call him Pete) is the man who, about 18 months ago, sent me a couple of pieces of what I think can only be described as hate mail last year - and he cc-ed the correspondence to virtually all of the other guests. Unfortunately for him, Pete didn't realise that both the Data Protection Act and Equalities Act make it illegal to use a charity mailing list to disseminate your discriminatory views of a trustee's wife... but whereas the whole thing caused significantly more distress for Pete than me, I still don't wish to share a room with Pete ever again, for any purpose. And more to the point, I don't feel comfortable putting my children in a room with someone who has expressed the kinds of views towards them that Pete has.
Would it be unreasonable to ring Joy to explain that I am not comfortable attending and/or bringing my children with Pete present? I would be happy to take the host out for lunch and/or drinks myself to make it up to her.
But if it would be inappropriate to pull out at this stage because of Pete, would it be unreasonable to ask Joy to have a quiet-yet-firm word with Pete telling him not to approach me or my children at any point during the party? (Though knowing Pete as I do, this would probably be pointless... I can very much envisage him trying to corner me to defend his views of me yet further).
Or would it be a real cop-out just to feign clash of commitments/illness and to pull out without telling Joy why? (Though I think she'd realise...)