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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask boyfriend to rethink money arrangements?

44 replies

bigeegit · 15/07/2014 20:22

For the past 5 years me and my boyfriend have split everything 50:50. However, two years ago I went back to college and have taken a pay cut due to this of 10,000 pa. As of now, he earns about 8,000 more than me a year, still not loads of money, but more than me. We still split 50:50 and while my savings have dwindled, his now stand at 10,000 more than me. I feel bad asking to change the arrangements now that they don't suit me, and I don't want to punish him for being a good saver (which he is) I would like if I could pay less rent, bills etc just to give me a bit of breathing room. Im certainly not broke but I do have to think hard and justify every little thing I buy. What do you think, AIBU?

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 15/07/2014 20:24

YANBU

Your situation has changed and it seems odd not for one person in a relationship to have a better standard of living than the other

You aren't punishing him - can you broach the subject ?

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 15/07/2014 20:25

No, definitely not. You live together, so the costs should be split evenly. In your case, 50:50 isn't even.

Original poster
bigeegit · 15/07/2014 20:31

Thanks guys. Oh its not that I can't bring it up, I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being an ass. I hate talking about money! Im not sure what he will think really, when he saw how my savings had fallen recently he offered to pay more rent, but 25 a month more, I told him that amount would make no difference so not to bother. I worked out a fair split would have him paying 125 more! I don't think he would ever agree to that.

OP posts:
limon · 15/07/2014 20:33

Yabu. Should have dealt with this in advance - not sure why you now expect him to support you through your college course and at drop without discussing it as a couple first.

Original poster
bigeegit · 15/07/2014 20:37

Thanks Limon. No, not support, I get paid to do it, just split the bills differently. But fair point, when I went back I didn't think it would have such an impact on my savings, and so we didn't discuss it. When I graduate, next year, there should be a significant increase in my earnings so I guess I can make up the difference there.

OP posts:
ClashCityRocker · 15/07/2014 20:44

Hmm, i don't think you would be unreasonable to ask - but if you've gone back to college, has that/will that increase your earning potential and if so, in the future if your salary would be disproportionately higher, would you be happy to pay more than half so you have the same amount of disposable income?

If you would be happy if the roles were reversed, go for it.

Btw, I don't think there's a right or wrong answer to this - what works for one won't work for another.

TeenAndTween · 15/07/2014 20:52

Pay proportionately. You are in a long term relationship.

So if he earns 50% more than you, he pays 50% more. So for every £500 you pay £200 and he pays £300.

Original poster
bigeegit · 15/07/2014 20:53

Thanks, yea it is an awkward one. My earnings should be at least 10,000 more than him to begin with and higher from there. I would be happy paying a higher proportion, especially as I imagine we will have more expenses then. I mean, if in 10 years I was earning 60,000pa and he is still on 24,000 that would be the only fair way! But this would be something discussed in advance, so perhaps I missed the boat for when I earn less. Hmm!

OP posts:
Littlef00t · 15/07/2014 20:54

If you were married I would say everything should be family money and you each get the same spending money for frivolities.

Although he's your boyfriend, you've been together 5 years? If you can see the relationship as very long term, I suggest you see it the same.

Even if you keep finances separate for now, if I were in your shoes, I'd be looking to understanding exactly what each is bringing to the party and mutually agree savings, bills contributions etc, so each of you are left with the same amount.

When you go back to work, you'll recalculate so he could be quids in.

Lweji · 15/07/2014 20:58

It depends on whether you consider yourselves a family or not.

If it was your decision to go to college, it's an investment you are making, as if you had decided to spend the difference in income in a car, for example of if you were putting it in a savings account.

Would you also pay £125 more if you started earning more than him?

On the other hand, if you do want to save money, if he wants to go more expensive places or have better holidays, then, yes, he should fork out more.

Original poster
bigeegit · 15/07/2014 20:59

Actually, its been 7 years, living together 5 (lord time flies!) We are very committed, and he is keen to buy a house in the next few years so some of his savings will most likely be used for a deposit. I guess in that way, it is our money? Maybe it doesn't matter that its in his account instead of split into mine?

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 15/07/2014 21:00

Yiu pay proportionate to what you earn,he earn more he pay more,simple

scottishmummy · 15/07/2014 21:02

But dont go for joint or our money.keep your day to day monies separate
If he earns more he'll have more disposable,more spending.thats fair he earns it

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/07/2014 21:04

Cynically, if you've only got another year or your course, I'd just accept that you can't save and leave the finances as they are. When you earn more than him, you'll benefit. If you decide to marry/share finances, then you can look at things again.

Original poster
bigeegit · 15/07/2014 21:06

Oh no, I understand, I mean as he will most likely be using that money towards a deposit than it doesn't matter that he has more. We don't go on expensive holidays but Im just struggling a bit to pay things that were easy before, and everything is still 50:50. I don't think I will say anything, at least not for now.

OP posts:
ChelsyHandy · 15/07/2014 21:06

YABU. Its up to you in your relationship how you work it out. But personally I wouldn't be happy being subsidised by someone else when young and with few commitments. I'd rather pay my own (equal) way. I also think its the sort of thing that should be offered, rather than asked for.

scottishmummy · 15/07/2014 21:08

Keep your monies separate,get a joint account solely for bills

Original poster
bigeegit · 15/07/2014 21:09

You're right, Id hate for him to feel like he has to subsidise me.

OP posts:
TeenAndTween · 15/07/2014 21:15

What would happen if you got pregnant? Would you still feel you had to pay 50% then?

Do you see yourselves as a partnership, or as 2 individuals?

Original poster
bigeegit · 15/07/2014 21:20

Jesus, no babies please, thank you! If anything disastrous like that happened and I was still earning what I am now I have no doubt he would pay more, he's not an asshole!

OP posts:
RustyParker · 15/07/2014 21:21

Hang on, the only reason he was able to save that money was by you using your savings on day-to-day expenses.

The way you are talking, on the one hand you are committed and are planning a future - the next, it's "his" savings and will "most likely" use the savings as a deposit on a house for you both.

If you both agreed for you to go back to study knowing that a dip in finances will result, then you are both in it together. I can understand you saying you don't want him to feel like he's subsidising you but you are subsidising him by paying half the rent leaving yourself relying on savings.

If you were married, then it's family money and you would be protected to a large degree if you were to split. If you were to split now, you wouldn't have anything.

I'm not implying he's being mercenary or deliberately taking advantage but you said when you have a higher earning potential then you would of course pay a fair ratio depending on your earnings so why does it only work one way when it's in his favour?

RainbowB7 · 15/07/2014 21:21

In that situation I see 50:50 as far.

MaryWestmacott · 15/07/2014 21:21

How long do you have left on your tenency and how small/cheap is your rental for the town/city? I would be more inclined to say you are struggling with paying half the rent and bills (does he know what you have each month to live off?), and would like to look to move to a cheaper property, as you would be a lot more comfortable if you could pay £x less each month. That gives him the option of volunteering to pay more each month and stay where you are. If he does'nt feel comfortable with that, you have to be prepared to take a lower standard of living to have 50/50 spilt you can afford.

jay55 · 15/07/2014 21:21

If you took a 10k drop in income and he earns 8k more than you, you were earning (marginally) more than him before you went back to college, but still split things 50:50.

Will you be earning more over the summer?
If your savings will last the final year I'd keep with the current arrangement, but double check you're not spending more than you need.

Lauren83 · 15/07/2014 21:24

My partner earns more now and we split it 60/40, we paid 50/50 when we were on the same, when we first together I early more so I paid the 60 to his 40

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