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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask boyfriend to rethink money arrangements?

44 replies

bigeegit · 15/07/2014 20:22

For the past 5 years me and my boyfriend have split everything 50:50. However, two years ago I went back to college and have taken a pay cut due to this of 10,000 pa. As of now, he earns about 8,000 more than me a year, still not loads of money, but more than me. We still split 50:50 and while my savings have dwindled, his now stand at 10,000 more than me. I feel bad asking to change the arrangements now that they don't suit me, and I don't want to punish him for being a good saver (which he is) I would like if I could pay less rent, bills etc just to give me a bit of breathing room. Im certainly not broke but I do have to think hard and justify every little thing I buy. What do you think, AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

bigeegit · 15/07/2014 21:29

I was earning more, I offered to pay more when we first moved in together but he said no. I can affords the rent and bills, with some spending money left over but my savings that I had from when I was earning more have been slowly chipped away. My college work is phd so there's no summers off. I should be fine for the year, but I do worry about money if I can't find a job for a while after.

OP posts:

Lweji · 15/07/2014 21:37

Even doing a PhD you could take a PT job and earn a little bit. Do some tutoring, even.

I'd look at why you are chipping away at your savings. Does it go on clothes, going out? Your lifestyle should reflect your reduced earning power.
But the main thing is whether you do consider yourselves a shared life couple, or are mostly still bf and gf, who happen to share a house.

Original poster

bigeegit · 15/07/2014 21:43

Im not actually allowed to work on my contract. I have been more careful with my spending (only over the last couple of months I admit) There is room for improvement and we did take a holiday (small city break) early this yr and mid last year that put a wee dent in. I will keep working away at minding the pennies, thanks guys!

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 15/07/2014 21:44

Why have your savings been chipped away? Are you dipping in for bills or for 'fun things'? How much are you typically dipping in to it, are you still spending like you have the old income coming in?

I personally would find it easier to ask about moving to a cheaper property, giving him the option of offering to pay more if he wants the better lifestyle, if not, you both take the lifestyle hit, you can afford it easier and he can save more.

scottishmummy · 15/07/2014 21:57

Best wishes with your studies,when are you finished?

DamnBamboo · 15/07/2014 22:02

I don't see that it is his responsibility to support you.
If you have only a year left then I would just try to manage.
Unless of course you will pay more when you earn more and are happy to do so from the start?

Original poster

bigeegit · 15/07/2014 22:09

Im finished fingers crossed Sept next year. I'll keep the head down and save save save til then! ;)

OP posts:

spence24 · 15/07/2014 22:09

I don't think it's that unreasonable to chat to him about it. I'm self employed and earn a lot less than my OH, and I moved in with him and his daughter, a house that he owns. We worked out a proportionate way to split things so we both spend the same % of our wages on household upkeep. As it works out, he pays the mortgage and bills, I.e. keeps the roof over our heads, and I buy all the food, including meals out, takeaways and treats, as well as his daughter's school lunches etc.

It's about finding what works for you as a couple. If you are living together, you support each other through the good and bad times and adjust accordingly.

Finney2 · 15/07/2014 22:12

If you're paying 50:50 now, then it's only fair that when you're earning a shit load more money you still split things 50:50. Just think how loaded you'll be!

In all seriousness, it does worry me a bit that he knows you must be pretty skint but hasn't offered to step in and help. If he sees the as long-term then surely savings for a house or whatever should really be referred to as joint savings. Then again, I'm pretty old fashioned about these things and my H and I have had everything in joint names since very early on. He even paid off most of my big student debt, no questions asked, accrued before I met him and added me to his mortgage as soon as I moved in despite the fact he'd paid loads off already.

We've been together 10 years now and I think those financial foundations have helped us both feel incredibly secure and trusting when it comes to money.

LongTimeLurking · 15/07/2014 22:13

Devils advocate:
You decided to go back to education therefore you also have to manage the funding off it. You are effectively asking him to fund your course by picking up the slack and you are not married.

There is fairness in splitting bills as proportion of income, but unless you had this agreement prior to starting college it seems a bit unfair to suddenly expect him to pay more because you decided to take a pay cut.

On the other hand if you are long term committed, going to get married, have kids, etc, then there will inevitably be times where one of you is supporting the other financially.

On a cynical point, his reaction to your request could be a good indication of how he sees the relationship developing...

LongTimeLurking · 15/07/2014 22:16

bigeegit
"I was earning more, I offered to pay more when we first moved in together but he said no. I can affords the rent and bills, with some spending money left over but my savings that I had from when I was earning more have been slowly chipped away."

So he wanted to split 50/50 even when you were earning more? I think that tells you that YABU to ask him for more now. He obviously prefers to pay his way 50/50.

mommy2ash · 16/07/2014 09:11

if you changed the split would you end up spending the money or saving it yourself?

ThatBloodyWoman · 16/07/2014 09:14

Yanbu.
You are a partnership, and so long as you will reciprocate if you end up in a higher paid job, its a non issue imo.

PixieofCatan · 16/07/2014 09:24

YANBU. It should have been discussed before, but I don't think you quite grasp how much a drop in pay will affect you until you have less!

I must admit though, I do find it odd when people who are planning a future together don't share resources. DP and I have from day one pretty much, it surprised me when my Mum said that her and my Dad don't and that she was running out of money to pay her share towards the bills.

Is the house going to be jointly owned? I'd worry about that.

Abilly72 · 16/07/2014 09:41

As said by others -you should have discussed this change before making an arbitrary decision ; if the agreement was 50/50 my view is that is how it should stay-honour your word.However,your partner may be so gentlemanly that he will volunteer some help in this.

Chunderella · 16/07/2014 10:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 16/07/2014 10:15

That is why the correct answer to this question lies on what type of relationship they are in at the moment.

MaryWestmacott · 16/07/2014 10:27

Again, does he know you're struggling to pay your share? Although you talk about dipping into savings on one hand, but then being able to cover the bills and possibly save on the other. Do you actually have more coming in than your share of the bills but are still spending like you had your old income?

spidey66 · 16/07/2014 14:38

What about you both put the same % into the kitty? That sounds fair to me and means the higher earner puts more in and leaves both of you with disposable income in relation to your pay?

So say he earns 2000 a month and you earn 1000 and agree to put in 40% each, he ends up putting 800 into the kitty and you put 400 in.

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