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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be irrationally upset about this?

32 replies

GrrrrrrArrrghh · 15/07/2014 17:51

Actually I know I am BU to a very large degree, just need a bit of a rant here as I can't to anyone in RL. My SIL had a beautiful baby boy today, their DC2. They already have a DD who is 3 months older than our DD. We are just about to start trying for DC2.

They have named him the name I told her in confidence we would have chosen if DD had been DS - and would probably have been the front runner for our future (male) DC2. At the time, she also shared with me what their male choices would have been and they were completely different. I have never told anyone else what our boy's name would have been, even my mum and sisters.

My head is telling me not to be so ridiculous - it's just a name, and of course we have no claim to it whatsoever. We may never have any more DC, let alone a boy. But I still feel quite upset and cross. If I hadn't shared it with her and they had chosen it, I would have been disappointed but more able to just shrug it off. It's the fact that we had a conversation about something very personal and she either a) just forgot or b) didn't forget and didn't give a shit.

Right, rant over! Off to drown my irritation with Wine

OP posts:
Fixitagaintomorrow · 15/07/2014 17:55

I think I'd be a bit upset so not completely unreasonable but maybe just try to be flattered she really liked your choice?

hiddenhome · 15/07/2014 17:56

Always keep things like this to yourself.

MrsBellTeapot · 15/07/2014 17:57

yanbu the be upset. That was very cheeky of your sister.

MrsBellTeapot · 15/07/2014 17:58

^in law.

eltsihT · 15/07/2014 19:00

My sil gave her ds1 the name i wanted to give my son (my grandfathers name), this was before we had started ttc and we had never discussed it. I was devastated as i share a first name with sil and there is no way i would have given my son the same name, i could imagine the difficulties when discussing grandchildren.

Anyway i got over it and i used the name for ds2's middle name.

Yanbu to be annoyed and to have a moan with your dh about it

Ywbu to bring it up with her, and you may find a way to use name.

Original poster
GrrrrrrArrrghh · 15/07/2014 19:01

I have well & truly learned that lesson hidden! Smile.
I think I was more shocked than anything - once she told me their potential boy's names, they kind of got put to one side subconsciously in my head. I wouldn't have considered them (rightly or wrongly) as I knew they were fond of them. I guess I just assumed (again, rightly or wrongly) that she would feel the same about the one I mentioned to her, so part of me must have thought I had kind of "reserved" it! Silly, silly!

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 15/07/2014 19:03

Could you make a comment along the lines of "eeek wont the Grandparents have a fun time of it if we ever have a son! Two grandkids with the same name"

And see what her reaction is?

Yanbu.

I have vetoed six boys names that I like due to the fact that family members and best friends have said they would be planning on using them.

Original poster
GrrrrrrArrrghh · 15/07/2014 19:07

Oh God eltsihT, I would NEVER bring it up with her, or anyone else (except DH). That's also part of my frustration - I'm annoyed but can't do or say anything about it without frankly being a bit of a lunatic! Thank goodness for MN where I can get it out of my system before I see them. I really hope she never says anything about it to me though & that she genuinely just forgot about our conversation Hmm

OP posts:
EndoplasmicReticulum · 15/07/2014 19:07

I think it partly depends on how popular the name is.

If it's in the top 20 then she may have just picked it and liked it anyway, and forgot your conversation.

However if it's something more obscure then I'd be more annoyed.

Original poster
GrrrrrrArrrghh · 15/07/2014 19:19

It's probably top 30 I guess. But then their DD's name is way out of the top 200, so again I guess I was surprised they chose a much more common name for DC2.

OP posts:
Iquitelikeapples · 15/07/2014 19:19

As much as you can't reserve a name Id feel exactly the same. DD has a very unusual name (never met anyone who's met another one) if she'd been DS she would of had an even more unusual name. If a friend/family had used either I would of been furious.
I think it is acceptable if it's a family name as they have as much right to it as you do. DDs middle names are her great grandmothers names which I think is fair for any family to also use.

ChristmasYoni · 15/07/2014 19:23

Yanbu. I had the most beautiful and unusual name picked for DS1 if he was a girl, my botch of a sister liked it so much she changed her middle name by deedpoll, still angry to this day as I know she will make out like I am naming the baby after her if I ever have a DD so need to pick another but I love it so much!

Iquitelikeapples · 15/07/2014 19:38

christmasyoni that's even worse!

DeWee · 15/07/2014 19:42

She may not have even remembered the conversation. I'm sure I had conversations with my dsis about names we would use, and I'm totally confident that neither of us have used any of the names we said we would. However I can't actually remember what we said were front runners at the time.

My dc's names are varying in popularity: DD1 has always been medium popular, dd2 is very popular, and ds is unusual in anyone under 40yo.

redexpat · 15/07/2014 19:47

YANBU to rant about it here. It would really annoy me too!

Sixgeese · 15/07/2014 19:49

I know how you feel, I had a name picked out if DS had been a girl, told DSis. She must have told her SIL as she then named her DD the exact name, both first and middle name. We had to have a big rethink for when DD1 came along.

Sixgeese · 15/07/2014 19:50

I know how you feel, I had a name picked out if DS had been a girl, told DSis. She must have told her SIL as she then named her DD the exact name, both first and middle name. We had to have a big rethink for when DD1 came along.

SamG76 · 15/07/2014 19:52

Sorry, YABU, as I think you know. What if you didn't have a child of that gender? You can't reserve names!

Liara · 15/07/2014 19:57

My sister used the name ds1 would have been if he had been a girl, my other sister used the name ds2 would have been if he had been a girl.

I guess I just have impeccable taste Grin. Lucky I will never have a girl, as there aren't many more I like!

Original poster
GrrrrrrArrrghh · 15/07/2014 20:34

christmasyoni that is awful Sad

To answer a point upthread, no, this wasn't a family name as I would agree that would oddly be different somehow. We had planned to use a very strong family name as the middle name -which BIL (DH's brother) had also been keen on as a middle name. SIL admitted to me she disliked it (especially nice of her as it's also DH's name!) and, surprise surprise, she's "kindly" left that one for us.....

Trying to console myself with the fact that we were perhaps never as 100% in love with our boy's choice as our girl's one, and it was just the only one we both really liked. Plus, I guess we get to choose names for both again next time! Grin I hang out a lot here on the baby name threads under another name!

OP posts:
Snatchoo · 15/07/2014 20:47

Genuine question - but why does it matter if two children in the same family, not living together, have the same name?

One of my boys is called Luke, his cousin is Lucas (I know not exactly the same!) but it never occurred to me to think anything other than they liked the name?!

I think I might be being a bit obtuse and I'd get it if it happened to me Grin

Blu · 15/07/2014 21:08

So firstly , BIL. Is just as much implicated in 'nicking' the name?
Secondly it sounds as if the conversation happened a long time ago, when your DC 1 were both babies? And if the name is in the top 20 or 30 it may just have become more popular and she had forgotten your conversation and used it because she was hearing it and liking it.

Are you just feeling wistful because. She has her Dc2 and you haven't?

Relax and enjoy your new nephew without stewing on this.

Original poster
GrrrrrrArrrghh · 15/07/2014 21:27

I think first cousins, who live less than 2 miles from each other with exactly the same name would be a bit weird? Especially as (fingers crossed!) there will be less than a year between them. Have no idea if BIL knew that we had planned on using that particular name as I only ever discussed it with SIL - that was less than a year ago when my DD was 6 months.

Blu you make a really interesting suggestion actually. Maybe I am feeling a bit hormonal about having a baby.
We made a conscious decision to wait until now to start TTC again, BIL/SIL were ok with a much smaller age gap. I will be absolutely fine about the whole thing in a day or two I'm sure. I'm just a bit disappointed that I trusted her with very personal information that she/they seem to have dismissed, hopefully and most likely through forgetfulness but that in itself is quite hurtful.

OP posts:
Snatchoo · 17/07/2014 14:46

But....they don't live together do they? Even if they went to the same school, they might have to contend with ANOTHER child with the same name!

I totally got when DSS' mum decided that calling her new baby Luke was probably a bad idea - two brothers with the same name isn't great - but cousins? Nah.

(If my sister chose the same names as my kids, I would mercilessly tease her about copying me! But I am the older sister Grin)

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 17/07/2014 14:52

'Oh SIL he's lovely! And - I got to name him!! Hahaha I haven't forgotten that conversation we had when I suggested this name and told you how lovely I thought it was. I can't wait to tell everyone that I named my nephew!'

:)