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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a smidge alarmed that my dad has just asked me to tell him everything I would like to keep in their house upon their death

42 replies

ochayethemew · 15/07/2014 16:13

Should be pointed out that my parents are fit, healthy and in their mid 60s. Dad has been obsessed with death for some time now. He was that I haven't written a will 'given that I will be driving on the motorways of France for 2 weeks in the summer'. sigh

OP posts:

MrsMaturin · 15/07/2014 16:17

That's not being obsessed with death. That's perfectly sensibly working out which of your belongings your child would like and which they can dispose of as they choose now or later. We should all have wills. I don't - it's been on my to do list for 16 years so far.....

CaptChaos · 15/07/2014 16:18

Seems sensible to know which things each child would like so they can be shared equably.

You should have a will. Everyone should have a will, you have no idea of the dramas not taking an hour or so to make a will can save.

LastTango · 15/07/2014 16:18

He only wants his mind put at rest! I am the same and have always had a written will especially when going abroad. If you've got children, then surely that is only sensible??

Just tell him what you want and he will be happy.

NCISaddict · 15/07/2014 16:27

You really need to have a will, especially if you have children, it isn't more important if you go abroad, death is no respecter of national borders!

I've had one for years and the children all know which pieces of special jewelry and furniture they're going to inherit.

BalloonSlayer · 15/07/2014 16:32

My Mum's been doing this for years. She tells me periodically where her will is kept. And from time to time tells me what hymns she would like for her funeral. She is 81 and still going strong.

expatinscotland · 15/07/2014 16:36

Why alarmed? A hone can die at a y time, it has nothing to do with health.

I would advise any adult to have a will.

He is being very sensible, but should have a will, too.

expatinscotland · 15/07/2014 16:36

Anyone, sorry.

Longdistance · 15/07/2014 16:42

I agree with it being sensible of your df.

My df is in hospital ATM with a broken hip. He's made a will with my mum. We've already agreed on the basics, and what needs doing. My db and I know what coffin they want, church, service, where they are to be buried (as in which cemetery), hymns as pp etc.

My dp's are 73 and 78. Mum's had cancer 3 times, and dad had a stroke in 2001. It's all sorted.

Longdistance · 15/07/2014 16:44

It also stops any grabby relatives turning up, making a claim like, 'your df/dm promised me that ring/antique painting' type scenario popping up. It makes everything much less stressful when it's all on paper, and agreed prior.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 15/07/2014 16:47

I've had a will since I was 30. It's not morbid, just sensible

HappyAgainOneDay · 15/07/2014 16:48

Anyone over 18 who has not made a Will is a fool. They should look at the internet and find out the disadvantages of not having one. We all know there are so many benefits but not to have one is justy so shortsighted if it's been on your To Do list for even a month.

As for items in the house, I've already begun to give our DS what he wants from this house. What I do not want i for House Clearance people to come and take the lot for peanuts and sell it for several thousand with our son not really knowing what's here.

petalunicorn · 15/07/2014 16:49

I'm with you. My df tried this and I'm afraid I refused to engage. I hope he lives for at least another 20 years. The stuff is his, if he wants it he should keep it, if he doesn't he should sell it or offer it to us.

I also refuse to engage in squabbles with my siblings about it all. When I explained this he said that he wanted that to happen so that he could mediate . We are actually all grown ups.

I think it is a control thing, and a fear thing. The risk of refusing to engage is that they get rid of stuff you want but this doesn't bother me.

I think the stuff issue is totally separate to having a will though. If you have children it is essential to make sure they are provided for as you would wish.

needaholidaynow · 15/07/2014 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IamSlave · 15/07/2014 16:51

if everyone was like this there would be loads of lawyers going out of business its a great idea and one which i will be sorting before I die too.

good on him,

NatashaRomanov · 15/07/2014 16:51

Will are important.
(Though we haven't die one yet, as we can't decide who we'd ask to be guardians to our dd!).

But maybe he simply wants to have a clear out, and doesn't want to get rid of anything you may want.

redexpat · 15/07/2014 16:53

This wouldnt alarm me at all. Ive known since I was 12 that instructions for mums funeral are in her jewellery box. I asked mt dad once what he wanted at his funeral and he very dryly said surprise me.

maninawomansworld · 15/07/2014 19:03

Death (and more specifically inheritance) brings out the very worst in people. Extremely sensible of your Dad to want it all written down so there can be no disputes once he's gone.
Ideally a will should be lodged with solicitors rather than left under a bed hoping it will be found and adhered to.

CMOTDibbler · 15/07/2014 19:10

I think its very sensible - if you don't want his prized collection of pickled sprouts, then he can leave them to someone who does want them.

The more that people know about others wishes after they die, the better imo - it relieves some of the burden at a very difficult time.

JoeyMaynardsghost · 15/07/2014 19:15

Death (and more specifically inheritance) brings out the very worst in people

This is very true.

cozietoesie · 15/07/2014 19:18

I had this with both of my (now dead) parents. I think it pleased them to be able to think that items they had acquired and valued would be wanted and still stay in the family.

I'd just tell him if there's anything you particularly like - it will do no harm and will probably make him feel happier. I don't think it's in the least morbid or anticipatory.

stephenisjustcoming · 15/07/2014 19:19

My parents do this a lot. My dad does it to ensure that things are planned in advance, and my mum does it as a sneaky way of garnering compliments for her taste in stuff. ("Ooh, after my day, do you think you or your brother will want that lovely painting in the sitting room? You should make a list. What about that nice Edwardian bedroom set? It's probably worth a fair bit now, I spotted it in a local auction, you know" etc.)

caroldecker · 15/07/2014 19:23

he is right - 100% of people who drive on French motorways will end up dead

Picklepest · 15/07/2014 19:25

Freak him out. Buy red sticky dots and walk round house sticking them on....

lavenderhoney · 15/07/2014 19:30

There is nothing worse than standing in a house empty of your loved one and having to decide what you want. You will feel mean and avaricious even if you're not.

When you are grieving is not the time to start thinking how that lovely vase will look in your house. Especially if your sibling wants it as well and emotions are running high.

Just let him, he's being very sensible and you ought to have one really. Because if anything happens to you, your dc, if you have them will be taken care of by who you have agreed, and the money/ possessions will be taken care of and not spent on crap, but saved for when they are older.

Original poster

ochayethemew · 15/07/2014 19:33

Yes, I realise the sensibility behind his reasoning, however the age old (very British) taboo of not discussing death and its implications do get in the way somewhat.

And Picklepest that would delight him. As would a hearty debate on who he would turn up to his funeral and where to scatter his ashes (current favourite location is actually a graveyard in an idyllic country church which is full, so I am to take him in a carrier bag and chuck a bit of him out at a time when no-one's looking).

OP posts:

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