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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that this is the biggest insult to have recieved?

57 replies

gwhappylife · 15/07/2014 14:59

I honestly don't think I'm exaggerating by calling it a huge insult but I was in the middle of cooking tonight's dinner. For those who don't already know, my MIL is Nigerian and only eats Nigerian food which I try to cook to a Nigerian standard.

Anyway, I was in the middle of preparing the stew to cook the jollof rice and my(DH's) cousin knocked on the door with hollow rice and fish stew in her hand. Obviously it was in containers, and said "my mum cooked this for your mum, she told me to drop it off to you as she's so busy but your mum wanted this? I'm just the messenger"

I said thank you and wished her a lovely rest of the day but when I shit the door behind me I couldn't stop my jaw from hitting the floor.

aibu to find that to be a huge insult? She's been staying here for over a week now, so it's not like it's the first day.. even if it was it's still rude but my goodness!

I'm in the kitchen cleaning up, I've frozen the blended stew and ilk cook if some other time but the chicken is on the oven and what am I expected to do with that now since my(DH's) aunty cooked fish for MIL.

I'm so angry.

OP posts:
puntasticusername · 15/07/2014 15:45

Op yeah, sorry, what I was getting at was: was there definitely such a conversation between your MIL and aunt? It sounds as if there is good reason to think there was Sad

If so - yes, this is pretty rude when you've been bending over backwards to cook food the way she likes it. Why is your DH having a go at you when you get it wrong, rather than defending you and telling his DM to rack off?

Takingthemickey · 15/07/2014 15:47

OP please don't take it as an insult. It is quite common for food to be a present in the culture. Seriously when my parents visit they have all kinds of relatives dropping food for them.

Lweji · 15/07/2014 15:48

The insult is not the aunt sending food, it's that apparently the MIL asked for it, and didn't tell the OP.

lettertoherms · 15/07/2014 15:48

I'm terrible at usernames, OP, have you had threads before about your husband disparaging your cooking and going to his mother's to eat after you've made him dinner?

If that's you, you should really stop cooking for them. Make the food you want for your children and yourself. If you're afraid of your husband's comments/reactions, ring Women's Aid and get some advice on your situation, that is not ok. You deserve more, you seem so unhappy.

CoffeeTea103 · 15/07/2014 15:50

Op if your mil asked for the aunts food then it's definitely an insult. How rude of her, has she even offered to cook since she's been there.

diddl · 15/07/2014 15:51

serve MIL the fish stew, cook the chicken how you want?

Cook what you would like in future as MIL isn't grateful that your trying or kind enough to help.

As for your husband...

Takingthemickey · 15/07/2014 15:51

Lweji it is an insult only if it is intended to be so. Asking for and receiving food from your relatives would not be considered an insult.

Lweji · 15/07/2014 15:51

Well, just found this and they are both lovely aren't they? Hmm

I'd be tempted to visit my parents for the duration of the visit.

diddl · 15/07/2014 15:52

you are not your!

How is sending fod for one person whilst another is cooking for her not an insult?

Lweji · 15/07/2014 15:52

Are you just considered the (bad) cook?

diddl · 15/07/2014 15:52

fod??

I give up!

NormalTea · 15/07/2014 15:56

you're trying way too hard to please her.

i agree, get your husband to order a pizza and throw a handful of nigerian food on top of it.

paulapantsdown · 15/07/2014 15:57

My sisters husband is Nigerian. When his mum visits, he does all the cooking for her, or his SIL brings her over some food. She will at least try and eat European food every few days though (with 3 bottles of hot sauce added though!)

Your MIL is a tiny bit rude, but your husband even more so.

escorpion · 15/07/2014 15:58

Sounds like my MIL, I hate this sort of behaviour. My MIL began putting tremendous amounts of salt on her food when I cooked for her, as if to say it wasn´t tasty enough. I have learnt to cook her country´s food now, probably better than her, in fact I know better than her ha ha, but I don´t think I will ever be good enough for her son because I am not the stereotypical chilean housewife that will serve the husband whenever he wants and be stuck behind the kitchen sink the whole time and be a slave to the MIL

NormalTea · 15/07/2014 15:58

my xmil from berkshire not nigeria used to take a small mouthful of whatever i'd cooked. really tentatively, then she'd reach for the salt pot and grind away for about three minutes. ha ha!

NormalTea · 15/07/2014 15:59

omg scorpion ha ha!

OnlyLovers · 15/07/2014 16:06

I think your DH needs to get on board. What do you mean he'll put you down over it?

It's almost not worth having the MIL conversation unless or until your DH has sorted out his behaviour although I think at best she's a cheeky ungrateful baggage and in my house she'd be shifting for herself

Tryharder · 15/07/2014 16:09

My DH is Gambian and on the odd occasion I host relatives, I do English food which they all love and see as a real treat as they never eat it otherwise (think roast dinner, shepherds pie type stuff) You'd think she was sick of eating fish stew and rice and would fancy a change.

I can't be doing with people who will only eat a set repertoire of food.

Hissy · 15/07/2014 16:13

I'd have put the food still in it's containers on the table in front of her with cutlery and leave her to get on with it. Reminding her to wash them out thoroughly before returning them to her sister.

Serve the rest of the food for everyone else and smile.

And if there was ONE more comment from any of that motley crew (including your H giving out about it it bed) then I would NOT cook for any of them again, any food from any country.

If it were not meant as an insult, the SISTER would have cooked for everyone surely?

Its kind of racist in a way. When I lived in Egypt the women would try to intimidate me, a forriner, by cooking Egyptian dishes for My ex. I took GREAT pleasure in outcooking them! :D

lainiekazan · 15/07/2014 16:15

I think whatever country or culture someone is from, a kind of power comes from disparaging someone's cooking.

I think some mils see themselves as Mary Berry (or Nigerian or any country in world equivalent), the grande dame of traditional cooking, and feel threatened if they see a dil encroaching on their territory.

In my case my family live in Italy. Well, who doesn't cook Italian food here - even if it's a jar of Ragu thrown on some easy-cook pasta? But they are very possessive over "their" cuisine. So however poncey my offering, it's met with a downturned mouth and much questioning over the provenance of the ingredients and comments like, "Well, I'd have used three types of beans," etc. And (to bring in OP's other thread) asides in Italian about how disgusting the food is, as if suddenly I can't understand a word when I've been speaking Italian five minutes before.

OnlyLovers · 15/07/2014 16:17

'a kind of power comes from disparaging someone's cooking.' I couldn't agree more, lainie.

And Shock about your family's behaviour. Someone would have had their dinner over their head and/or in their face by now if that were me. And I'd certainly not be cooking for them again, the rude gits.

HappyAgainOneDay · 15/07/2014 16:32

How ill mannered of your MIL, sister and DH!

My DH and I went to stay with Romanians in their home in Brasov. The sort of food they have is not like ours but we ate, savoured and enjoyed. We would not have dreamed of insisting on having our own British type of food and we did not expect it in any shape or form.

If we go where we know no one, we eat at cafes where the local people eat to savour the 'proper' local food - not what they think tourists would like. When in Rome...

If I were in the OP's position, I would hit the roof and shovel the MIL off somewhere else.

diddl · 15/07/2014 16:41

OP, I'm thinking that you don't always cook Nigerian food for yourself & your husband?

So why don't you stick to what you usually do?

nicename · 17/07/2014 09:21

Could it be a generation thing? I assume its her sister who cooked and sent food over. I could see myself doing this if I lived abroad and my sis came over to stay (a taste of home cooking and all that). However, I wouldn't go about it that way!

Because the cousin who brought it over seemed to understand (by her comment) I think she 'got it'. In some cultures there is the whole 'elders are betters, you whippersnappers' attitude, so no mater how rude or obnoxiois great aunt Betty is, you smile, nod and offer another hobnob with her tea.

Food is something that is very emotive - all cultures are the same really I think. Who doesn't say 'well, food from my country is wonderful!'? You feed up the people you love. I'm sure it was done, unthinkingly, as love to her sister, and not meant as a slight. Choose to think of it in this way!

Ahhhhhhhh. Feeling the calm love today.

WalkWithTheLonelyOnes · 17/07/2014 09:36

OP if I was you I'd get rid.of the pair of them. Who can be arsed with a husband putting you down over food?

If your MIL wants Nigerian food she should either find a restaurant that makes it or your DH can get off his lazy arse and cooks it for her because obviously he thinks it's so easy