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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to propose to DP

49 replies

Drinkingpimmsinmygarden · 14/07/2014 17:56

Been together three years, both in our 30s. Lived together for over two years.

Had a chat a while ago, told him I wanted to marry him, in the not distant future. He said he felt the same. Gave him some space and time (ie to propose to me) but nothing happened.

Had another chat a few months later , I said if you want to marry me, and I want to marry you, then let's just set a date and do it. I am not the kind of girl who is bothered about fancy ring/ romantic proposal/ big white wedding. DP said he wanted to propose to me properly and would do so soon.

A few months on, still no proposal. AIBU to propose to him, and if he's not up for it leave and get on with the rest of my life. Am in my 30s and want a family.

OP posts:
Paisleychick · 14/07/2014 18:00

Maybe have another conversation saying that you are going to do it if he doesn't soon. It would be such a shame if he had something planned. Actually just do it. You've spoken twice, he's had his chances. Go for it. Good luck.

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2014 18:02

The proposal is already done if you've both decided you'd like to marry each other.

Why not ask him to sit down with you and start planning the wedding?

Original poster
Drinkingpimmsinmygarden · 14/07/2014 18:04

He seems to think there needs to be an official proposal before we are engaged,......

OP posts:
ForTheBants · 14/07/2014 18:05

If you both want to do it, just do it. Is a traditional proposal necessary as you already live together and have discussed it?

Squtternutbaush · 14/07/2014 18:06

YANBU, if you want to propose then go for it.

I would however question a relationship that you'd be willing to walk away from if you don't get the answer you want, to me love should be unconditional.

My DP and I have been together for 13 years and I was quite happy with the way things were but he proposed at Christmas and it just seems like a natural progression for us but its really not a big deal.

WorraLiberty · 14/07/2014 18:07

If there has to be an official proposal then yes, I think you should just do it.

Original poster
Drinkingpimmsinmygarden · 14/07/2014 18:10

Would break my heart to leave, but marriage is exceptionally important to me (I would not plan children outside marriage) and I have been open about this from day 1.

Fair enough if other people are not as bothered about being married, but it's so important to me.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 14/07/2014 18:11

I think YABU. He says he wants to do it. Either he's stringing you along or he wants to do it after a bit of time has passed so it's more of a traditional surprise proposal. Whichever one it is he won't thank you for butting in.

Original poster
Drinkingpimmsinmygarden · 14/07/2014 18:13

And why shOuld I stay with someone who doesn't love me enough to marry me, knowing how important it is to me?

OP posts:
Squtternutbaush · 14/07/2014 18:20

You didn't say it was so important, if that's the case and he knows that then you either wait for him or you propose and walk away if he strings you along.

whois · 14/07/2014 18:44

I would however question a relationship that you'd be willing to walk away from if you don't get the answer you want, to me love should be unconditional

Bullshit. Most women on here would have ditched their much loved partners if they came out with "I never ever want to have children".

If marriage is important to the OP then it is important. It's right to be with someone who shares your ideals.

King1982 · 14/07/2014 18:56

Does your partner even want children?

HecatePropylaea · 14/07/2014 18:59

Does he want to marry you or do you think he is just saying yeah yeah I want to but at some point in the future and I want to be the one to do it etc etc in order to keep you from asking?

ChoccaDoobie · 14/07/2014 19:30

I agree with Worra. I don't see the need for a formal proposal but that is maybe just me, DW and I just both knew we wanted to get married, talked about it early on and then went ahead and did it. Maybe it is a bit different for straight couples. Certainly some of my straight friends have wanted the whole big proposal thing.

TalcumPowder · 14/07/2014 20:04

The way I see it, you are already engaged, as you have both stated your desire to marry one another. I'd just get on with the wedding, if it's important for you to be married before having a child.

mumminio · 14/07/2014 21:29

Sounds like you've reached a point where you don't want to wait much longer. You have already stated a desire to get married, and if he wanted to marry you, he would have proposed by now.

I would decide how much longer to wait, and make plans to move out if he doesn't propose before then. Mentioning marriage again to him is not going to suddenly induce him to want to marry you, in my opinion.

mumtosome61 · 14/07/2014 21:36

Marking, because I'm in a similar situation. DP doesn't want to start organising a wedding as it means we're engaged, despite him saying we will be engaged by the end of the year Hmm - I said us talking about it means we as may as just start planning it rather than the hoohah of 'being engaged' Grin

DP has this thing about engagement because of his ex - she gave him an ultimatum "get engaged by next month otherwise I'm out" - they got engaged and after 8 years together she cheated on him, so I attribute DP's weirdness about it all to that.

DP wants to get married but wants to make it special for me, even though he hasn't got a romantic bone in his body and I'm not that keen on surprises - I got the 'I want to do it properly' thing too.

Happy36 · 15/07/2014 01:35

Go for it! Wishing you all the best.

Freckletoes · 15/07/2014 01:51

Have recently seen a wedding invite for next month where the date, time and place are all set-but there hasn't been a proposal yet!?! How crazy is that? future bride is American though so might explain things Wink

AcrossthePond55 · 15/07/2014 02:41

If you want to get married, propose. If he wants to get married, he'll accept your proposal. I wouldn't form the proposal in an ultimatum, but if he hems and haws I think your next step is obvious.

mumminio · 15/07/2014 06:13

Worst case scenario is that he says yes, but to appease you rather than because he actively wants to marry.

I would wait, at least that way you know he really wants to marry you, rather than feeling pressured into it.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/07/2014 06:40

I don't really see the purpose of a "proposal" when you appear to have agreed to marry. I did propose to my now DH because we'd never discussed marriage. If you're expecting/he's planning some grand romantic gesture, then it might well take a few months to organise.

PicardyThird · 15/07/2014 06:58

SaucyJack, 'butting in'? Does their decision to marry have nothing to do with her? Is it men's business? Hmm

I 'proposed' to dh inasmuch as I said 'shall we get married?' We'd been together two years and were married seven months after that conversation. I can understand the romance of the 'proposal' idea but I think it's something we and our relationships have moved on from, in reality. You've agreed to marry. Sit him down, tell him you want to get married sooner rather than later and don't want to wait for him to decide to 'propose', and can you set a date? I can't help feeling there's something slightly controlling in what your dp is doing - not saying he is controlling in general, but this keeping you waiting until such time as he pleases to 'propose' would annoy me intensely.

PicardyThird · 15/07/2014 07:01

(And OP, if you're in your 30s and want dc but definitely want to be married first, then you do need to get on with it. I'm not into spreading fertility-plunging-off-a-cliff scare stories, but I am the veteran of 6 miscarriages between the ages of 27 and 36. I also have two children, but suppose I'm making the point that anything can happen with fertility/conception)

specialmagiclady · 15/07/2014 07:10

Sorry to raise the spectre of Kirstie Allsop but this is one of those situations that she was talking about. The OP has her eye on her fertility, the OH probably doesn't. If they are going to have a fairly traditional wedding, that can take 6 months to organise IF you have the cash lying around. If they want to do it in the summer, that's waiting a year, and all the time tick tick tick...

In a similar situation (like I was) I would be getting antsy. Indeed it is a running joke how many places and times my DH didn't propose before he finally did.

Also, does the OP's OH really understand that the marriage thing is rally about the breeding programme? I think a chat about timetables and an honest conversation about children is definitely on the cards. If you're not on the same page, will he catch up? Are you even reading the same book?

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