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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to propose to DP

49 replies

Drinkingpimmsinmygarden · 14/07/2014 17:56

Been together three years, both in our 30s. Lived together for over two years.

Had a chat a while ago, told him I wanted to marry him, in the not distant future. He said he felt the same. Gave him some space and time (ie to propose to me) but nothing happened.

Had another chat a few months later , I said if you want to marry me, and I want to marry you, then let's just set a date and do it. I am not the kind of girl who is bothered about fancy ring/ romantic proposal/ big white wedding. DP said he wanted to propose to me properly and would do so soon.

A few months on, still no proposal. AIBU to propose to him, and if he's not up for it leave and get on with the rest of my life. Am in my 30s and want a family.

OP posts:

Sandthorn · 15/07/2014 07:11

The way I see it, you already have proposed to him, and he brushed it off. You could do the down-on-one-knee shit, but be prepared for the same response... It sounds like he wants this on his own terms, which might be ok except that it appears to conflict with your terms. Alternatively, you could have a serious talk, explain your imperatives and find out whether his overlap at all.

Original poster

Drinkingpimmsinmygarden · 15/07/2014 08:33

Yes DP assures me that he wants children too and that we are on the same page. I think he wants to do the proper down on one knee with a ring proposal as that is what everyone we know has done and he seems to think that's what's proper. Question is how long do I give him? Am thinking until Christmas

OP posts:

Fragglewump · 15/07/2014 08:37

I would not want to marry someone who hadn't proposed after that many hints (and direct words too!). He wanted time to propose properly and hasn't done so. I would assume he's not that keen to marry you. Sorry op.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/07/2014 09:47

How do you know he's not saving up for a ring or something?

ViviPru · 15/07/2014 09:51

I'm glad I waited nine frigging years; it transpired now-DH did have secret plans and ideas in place and has a parameter he wanted to achieve before proposing. His idea of a long time is very different to mine, but it was entirely worth the wait.

Not suggesting your DP is the same, just offering an alternative perspective.

ViviPru · 15/07/2014 09:51

totally apt strikeout fail

TiffanyAtBreakfast · 15/07/2014 10:12

I hinted to DH for ages before he actually did it. He wanted it to be perfect and he also wanted to wait until I had stopped nagging a bit so that it could be a genuine surprise (it still wasn't, I can read him like a book).

I'm younger though so didn't feel like I had as much of a time constraint. I agree with those who are suggesting you give yourself a time frame - til January maybe, so he has both Christmas and NYE to propose. He did after all say you would be 'engaged by the end of the year' - Maybe he's planning on giving you a bit of Tiffany under the tree!

Feel your pain though as there is nothing worse than waiting for the big proposal, it's agonising.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/07/2014 12:08

We discussed getting married, DH wanted to propose but I didn't know when. He always said that when it felt ready in his head he just went out and bought a ring. He was going to wait until we went on h

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/07/2014 12:08

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 15/07/2014 12:10

FFS!!!!

Holiday. But he was too excited as he had the ring so just did it.

LiberalLibertines · 15/07/2014 12:15

Sounds like stalling to me op.

Showoffer1 · 15/07/2014 12:18

It is not surprising so many men don't want to commit to marriage - they can get virtually everything they want without getting married

Sex, living together, no wonder they are laughing

weatherall · 15/07/2014 12:21

Sit down and do some maths with him.

Does he want 2 DCs?

To avoid the fertility drop after 35 (does he realise your fertility is dropping every months after 25?) that mean last baby at 34. Say 2 year gap. So first DC at 32. Pregnancy and ttc is 1 year so 31. Does he want a gap between the wedding night and ttc? Then 30. Time to plan a wedding? 6 months min. So basically you need to be engaged and setting the date by 29. and that's only if everything goes to plan

What about infertility/miscarriage?

Cost of childcare needing 3/5 year gap between DCs?

More than 2 DCs?

Illness and unemployment in the next 5 years?

You need to get the now or never message over to him.

londonrach · 15/07/2014 12:27

Weather all now you depressed me. If no dc and late 30s. Your information slightly out of date according to my gp.

Op leave it for now. Wait till next tear. Think you in for a surprise shortly....

Boleh · 15/07/2014 12:41

I should probably name change for this but I don't think it would suprise DP even if he did find it!

I could have written your post 3 months ago! Early 30s (me) living together 2.5 years, I'd been dropping increasingly unsubtle hints about wanting a family one day as I got more broody. Eventually out of the blue he said 'OK, so when?' I figured backwards from convenient date for having baby assuming 6 months TTC and gave him a baba king start date. Then threw in 'but of course there would have to be a wedding first'. I thought I had then dropped the subject (apparently I hadn't ;-) ) on the principle that I wanted him to actively decide if he really wanted this.

Several more months of silence. Then on holiday he produced a sheet of engagement ring design sketches he'd had created by a good friend of mine with a jewelly design business - I don't know how long he'd been planning it but she'd kept it quiet for weeks!!

I second the advice to attempt to drop the subject (hopefully better than me!) and internally cross your fingers on holidays and at Christmas :-) But then set yourself a deadline, if he has said 'by the end of the year' and it truely is a deal breaker for you (it was for me) then be prepared to seperate in January if he doesn't certainly through (or give you a genuine explanation - like he's only saved half the cash for the trip to Paris or whatever!).

Boleh · 15/07/2014 12:42

Baba king = babymaking. Stupid phone!!

angeltulips · 15/07/2014 12:48

I think it's a bit weird those of you who have said "I don't want anything fancy and I don't like surprises but my dp has insisted" - why are they actively pursuing something you don't want?

OP, I would just set a date. If he wants to "propose" in the interim, that's all fine - but why sit around?

ViviPru · 15/07/2014 13:11

YES! Definitely set a timeframe. I gave DH until my 33rd birthday and vowed to myself that if he'd not doesn't it by then, we were going to have to have a Serious Chat.

He proposed ON my 33rd birthday!

HopefulHamster · 15/07/2014 13:45

I think it's selfish of men to do this, though societal norms, blah blah blah. You both want to get married apparently, you've said you don't need a proposal, and he's insisting on one on his timescale anyway. But why? If you both want to get married what is the point? I'd understand if you hadn't had the discussion and it could be a real surprise, but he already knows your answer.

So instead he gets to choose the when and the where and keep you hanging.

Oh I know that won't be what he's thinking. He's thinking of choosing the right time and making it romantic and stuff. It's not necessarily his fault as an individual, but you get an awful lot of these blokes telling women they'll get a proposal when they decide, but just never getting around to doing it.

Partner's OP sounds like he might get around to it eventually, but still, the whole thing winds me up!

zippey · 15/07/2014 16:29

Selfish of men? I think women need to start growing a pair (not literally though)

Whats wrong with women proposing to their fella? Surely this is the essence of equality. If you're getting fed up of waiting, do it yourself.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 15/07/2014 16:57

Imh(and unpopular) opinion:
Ultimatums are underrated. Yes, I think Christmas is long enough. Talk to him. What's the hold up?
Otherwise he can just cruise along enjoying the status quo without the commitment.
And you're in your 30s, knowing that you want children.

My two pieces of advice take it or leave it to everyone who wants marriage and children are

Elope
Have them while you're young.

HopefulHamster · 15/07/2014 16:58

zippey I agree - but I'm talking about cases like the OP's where she is happy to get married without a big proposal but he's insisting on one.

I've read a bazillion (slight exaggeration) threads on here where the woman has (or has essentially) proposed and has been told 'not until I ask you, which I will do, but not yet'.

Selfish!

zippey · 15/07/2014 19:53

Hopeful hamster- fair enough

He probably feels as if it's his duty to propose or something.

mumminio · 16/07/2014 00:04

On the fertility comment...fertility drops every months from early 20s, so no need to scaremonger. The advice I got was to try to conceive my first before 37. Once you have your first child, you're actually very fertile after the birth (once periods return obvs) so if you want another child, that's the time to try. The bigger risk after 37 is twins.

Clearly having children while in earlier 30s is better, but I just want to make the point that there is no hard and fast deadline. Don't panic and settle for a man who you don't want, or isn't fully committed to your relationship. I have seen friends do that, and it's usually not a good result

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