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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a wohm with a sahm partner

50 replies

finlandstation · 14/07/2014 11:45

Has a much easier life than 2 wohm or as single wohm parent
Very often on here you hear people saying how hard life is for a wohm who has a sahm as they have all the pressure for earning and their working day is more full on than sahm partner.
Well I actually think my wohm dh has an easier life than he would if I worked as I can pick up slack at home. Examples
He never has to worry about car service/mots or breakdowns. If his car has a problem he takes mine and I sort it out.
No school runs/ parents evenings, coffe mornings etc unless he specifically wants to on a day off.
Prescription medicine appears by magic.
He can phone and ask me to fetch toiletries when doing supermarket shop. No grocery shopping unless he particularly wants to.
No having to take time off work for a poorly child.
Very little involvement with toddler tantrums, nappy changing etc.
Lions share housework done
His laundry done
Being able to go away with work knowing I pick up slack. Last weekend he was away from Friday to Sunday morning and needed rest of Sunday to recover. Not from work (he by his own admission only did 2 hours of that) but late nights.
Sure tnere are more examples but you get the idea.
Aibu

Sure there is more but you get the idea

OP posts:
Original poster
finlandstation · 14/07/2014 11:46

Sorry post went a bit wrong at end.

OP posts:
Original poster
finlandstation · 14/07/2014 11:48

O and no night wakings during the week.

OP posts:
whois · 14/07/2014 11:49

YANBU

The senior men at work almost all have wives who stay at home to look after the kids and house. The few who don't have a much tougher time re juggling life and work.

SiennaBlake · 14/07/2014 11:49

Yabu to compare lives.

AMumInScotland · 14/07/2014 11:52

Do you hear a lot on here that a WOHP with a partner at home has a terrible time? I've certainly not picked that up as a common belief on MN.

Of course if you can earn enough in one fulltime job to afford for your partner not to go out to work, and if your partner is actually happy to do all the domestic stuff and run that side of family life, then your life is going to be relatively comfortable.

I don't think I've ever heard anyone argue the opposite Hmm

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/07/2014 11:55

It depends what each of them are dealing with. DH was a SAHP and I am a WOHM. DH now runs his own business.

When the DC were young he had it harder and now they are school age I have it harder. Its swings and roundabouts. There is a lot of pressure being the sole earner and there is a lot of pressure being "on duty" with an active toddler.

OwlinaTree · 14/07/2014 11:55

I would see that would be the split tho, tbh. Sahp doesn't earn, but does the work to keep the home running. Wohp earns the money to keep the home running.

It is easier if one of you is at home. I'm on maternity leave at the moment; in terms of housework my DH is doing nothing as I'm doing it in the main, I've got the time to in the day. When he gets in from work he plays with the baby, does a bath etc. I'm happy with that.

I think it will be much harder when I go back to work!

BlackeyedSusan · 14/07/2014 11:56

his life is easier than if you worked. child care would be outsourced but someonw would still have to arrange it and lots of other things would get more difficult to fit in.

ex wanted me to go back to work after my pils had been in his ear about it. I told him what he would have to do extra around the place... (housework, cooking , pickingup the children as he finished earlier etc.. ) he never mentioned it again. Grin

ballinacup · 14/07/2014 11:56

What's your angle?

That your DH gets an easier ride and you're jealous? Or that families with two WOHPs are selfish and one of them should sacrifice their career to focus on home life?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 14/07/2014 11:59

Do you feel your DH takes you for granted and doesn't recognise the contribution you make? Otherwise I am wondering why you are posting.

HappyAsASandboy · 14/07/2014 11:59

I think it's all swings and roundabouts.

The home where two parent work has less time/more pressure for organising the stuff you list, but they also, presumably, have more money to pay for help/the easy option/nice things that improve their lives.

The home with one working and one home-based parent has more time for organising but less money/reduced financial independence in event of a split/less security in the event of redundancy.

A single parent I would guess either works and has money or doesn't work and has time. It is almost certainly the toughest option (I'm guessing), though preferable to living with someone you can't get along with.

There is no 'easier' option. Just different pros and cons, and each family will decide a different option is the best one for them.

[undoubtably the hardest route is the couples who both work in low paid jobs. That must be very hard indeed, with no money and no time. I suspect those people earn more than you'd think too, as I think there is a very hard-done-by band of people who earn too much for government help but are left significantly worse off than their lower-earning peers once all benefits (incl things like free dental care/school lunches etc) are taken into account. Those people have my admiration.]

Amrapaali · 14/07/2014 12:07

YANBU. actually, it is easier on both, I am sure.

Original poster
finlandstation · 14/07/2014 12:26

Neither of those ballina. I think that the split in our home at the moment is fair.
I also have no axe to grind with families who have two wohm parents. Indeed once my youngest is at school I plan to do the same.
However, when I do return to work my dh will have to step up. No doubt I will still do school drop off and pick up as he has a long commute and has a higher level career than mine.
I have seen lots of posts on here saying how tough it is being sole earner.I have also seen people justifying a sahm doing the lions share on holiday as the wohm parent needs a rest more. Wtf.
Maybe I am oversensitive and reading wrong threads but it is there.

OP posts:
Idontknowwhysheswallowedafly · 14/07/2014 12:29

Will come back and comment in a few months time...

My DH is about to be at home most of the time through changes to his work (contract being changed to reduce salary & hours correspondingly). I know he will pick up more (all?) of the housework and my life will in theory be easier, but I am dreading the impact of the loss of income - particulalry the loss of freedom of choice our current income gives us - and the pressure of being the main wage earner in a precarious industry.

Maybe in a few months time I'll be able to say it has all worked out fine and we're poorer but better off now we only have one of us in f/t work but I'm very doubtful.

I genuinely don't know how single parents manage this all of the time.

LadyintheRadiator · 14/07/2014 12:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
finlandstation · 14/07/2014 12:34

chaz occassionly I think he maybe doesn't appreciate the full value of the work I do especially now with 3 dc. 2 at different schools and a toddler at home.
I certainly appreciate the economic contribution he makes.

OP posts:
redskybynight · 14/07/2014 12:35

I always think the big downside for a family where there is a single WOHP (usually one doing long hours as well) is that the WOHP doesn't have to worry about sick children, attending school assemblies etc, that actually they might quite like to do some of those things. I'd hate to be a parent that saw my child so little and was so involved in their life.

Thurlow · 14/07/2014 12:36

I've not seen the threads or comments that you're alluding too, but I do agree with what you're saying. Some aspects of life will be easier with one parent working and the other parent staying at home - like you say, childcare emergencies, broken cars, plumbing blowing up, all of that is much easier to manage than when you both work.

But I imagine there are downsides even in that scenario, just as there are in every set up. Does the parent at home want to be at home? Does the working parent not see the kids much? Is money an issue? Is time off an issue?

I'm certain there is no simple, easier option.

However I can shamingly admit that I am jealous of my friends who have one f/t working and one p/t working parent, everyone at home every evening and weekend, and helpful family on the doorstep Blush That to me seems a pretty damn good set up.

(But then DP and I work different shifts, never see each other and spend our time tag-teaming with the toddler, so I can be bitter sometimes...)

Pugaboo · 14/07/2014 12:39

I think it massively depends on age of children and what other help they have.

Eg kids at school with au pair plus grandparents who do pick up once a week and help look after them in hols, helpful partner in flexible job, SAHP would be a bloody doddle!

With 2 under 2, a partner working long hours in a poorly paid job and no help, it would be a LOT harder probably on both parents.

tumbletumble · 14/07/2014 12:39

YANBU.

I am a SAHM and I'm going back to work in Sept. Last night I had a chat with DH about how we would cover the school holidays - he's never had to worry about that before.

However, I do think there is also a burden attached to being the sole breadwinner.

Original poster
finlandstation · 14/07/2014 12:41

He is able to work from home so cann cherry pick things to go to at school. He can like all wohm parents do this without a toddler in tow. Whereas I normally have toddler with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
finlandstation · 14/07/2014 12:45

I have virtually no help. Mil used to but seems to have dropped us like a brick since sil had children. Itt will get worse when sil goes back to work.

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 14/07/2014 12:53

Totally agree with your op

Both me & dh work & it is so hard juggling everything

We've no family to help so it gets my goat other parents who say it's so easy working but have grandparents to turn up at sports day , to do the school run & child care in the holidays

They just don't get it

Original poster
finlandstation · 14/07/2014 12:58

I am full of admiration for single wohm parents and families where both work. Once dc are at school I think it gets even harder. With school trips etc I have been known to do 6 school runs per day. Ok if you have a nanny but nor sure how other do it.

OP posts:
sleepyhead · 14/07/2014 13:00

I agree with you in that I found being the WOHP easier when dh was a SAHD than I do now that we're both working. Simple logistics such as school holidays, appointments etc not being an issue.

However, I don't think I've ever read a thread where anyone argues differently unless it's a WOHM with a SAHP who is lazy and doesn't pull their weight leaving them to do all the chores as well as work.

(By the way, WOHM stands for Work Outside of Home Mum. Use WOHP if you mean parent who works outside of the home - sorry to be the pedantic buffoon, but it took me a bit of time to work out what you meant by 2 wohm).