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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Had a Party for BFF...

48 replies

curiouscritter22 · 14/07/2014 09:10

So a few weeks ago I gathered some friends to throw a simple surprise party for my best friend. It worked, and she was definitely surprised...but it seemed like we were more excited to throw the party for her than she was to get the surprise...and since it happened, she hasn't really gone out of her way to show that she's grateful for all the effort we put in.

We put in loads of effort...decorations, lots of food, cocktails, cake, the whole 9 yards, and tried to make it something that would fit with her style. There were a few gray areas though, and that's what's making me wonder if I'm being unreasonable to think she's ungrateful about the whole thing. First, we didn't invite all her expected guests. Some of them we (the planners) didn't know/aren't close to, and so it felt weird to invite them. In hindsight, we also didn't designate someone to keep an eye on her, make sure her drink was filled/she was happy, etc. throughout the evening. The other thing that someone pointed out was that we had sort of planned activities, and she didn't get a ton of input into how things went for the course of the evening.

I'm sure there could be more on her side of things, but she really gave off the impression by the end that she was a little disappointed with everything. Am I crazy to be mad? We put in so much effort keeping the secret and planning the party..I guess I was just expecting a little more excitement from my friend?

OP posts:

NotNewButNameChanged · 14/07/2014 09:14

Not everyone likes surprises.

What were the planned activities? Were they things you know she would love or more the sort of things you wanted to do?

These things can so easily become things WE will enjoy rather than what the person we are throwing the party for will enjoy.

saoirse31 · 14/07/2014 09:18

Tbh I always thought that suprise parties are an awful idea. I never get why anyone would want to do one or enjoy one. For the reasons you mentioned- youre not your friend and you cant know what she would want.

All that said I think id put it behind you and get over your upset. You did something for her, not to get thanks. So move on I think. (Tho dont organise anymore suprise parties...)

ChasedByBees · 14/07/2014 09:19

I think this was daft:

First, we didn't invite all her expected guests. Some of them we (the planners) didn't know/aren't close to, and so it felt weird to invite them.

It was her party, not the organisers. But maybe not having all her friends there made it feel less like hers. I appreciate you tried to do something lovely by as NotNew has said, maybe she just doesn't like surprises.

whitepuddingsupper · 14/07/2014 09:20

I would hate a surprise party, I don't cope well with unexpected events even if it's meant to be a nice thing, maybe your friend feels the same?

TheLovelyBoots · 14/07/2014 09:21

In hindsight, we also didn't designate someone to keep an eye on her, make sure her drink was filled/she was happy, etc. throughout the evening.

Is this a reverse AIBU?

I wouldn't think to "assign" someone to watch the guest of honor.

ShadowFall · 14/07/2014 09:21

I hate to say this, but personally, I'd hate to have a surprise party thrown on me, and I'd also be struggling to feel properly gratefully about it, despite how well meaning I thought my friends were. I need prior warning about social events to get myself in the right frame of mind. Maybe your friend feels the same?

treaclesoda · 14/07/2014 09:21

some people just aren't very good at showing excitement - I know I'm not, but it doesn't mean I'm ungrateful. It's just that I find it toe curlingly awful to be very enthusiastic about things. (I don't mean for other people to be enthusiastic, just that I find it hard to let myself go).

Alternatively, maybe she just didn't enjoy it as much as you hoped she would. It doesn't make her an awful person if she didn't - you can't force someone to enjoy something.

Bunbaker · 14/07/2014 09:23

OH would have hated a surprise party. He has on more than one occasion asked me to never organise one.

impatienceisavirtue · 14/07/2014 09:23

It was a lovely thing to try and do but I do think it was a bit off to only invite people YOU were close to.

My (now ex) best friend did this at the train wreck that was my hen do. Didn't invite people I didn't like. It made me feel like shit that people I cared about would feel excluded at a party that was for me, their friend, and I found it quite petty to be honest.

You also shouldn't do nice things for people with the expectation that they will fall over their feet with gratitude. I'm sure she was grateful but what do you want from her? You do nice things to make people happy, it shouldn't be to get a gushing round of thank yous.

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 14/07/2014 09:26

First, we didn't invite all her expected guests. Some of them we (the planners) didn't know/aren't close to, and so it felt weird to invite them

But it wasn't YOUR party...it was hers! Therefore, her friends and "expected guests" should be invited! Or it is YOUR party which seems a bit rubbish tbh

I get that you were trying to di something nice but she's disappointed her other friends werent there and really doesnt like surprise parties

DoJo · 14/07/2014 09:27

I agree with others that a surprise party would be my idea of hell! In a weird way, I would hate the idea of my friends all getting together behind my back and planning to keep a secret from me, but also the whole thing about being scrutinised all night for signs of enjoyment and having no control over an event would just take the edge off for me.
Are you absolutely sure that your friend would have liked the surprise element? I don't really understand the bit about not inviting her friends because you don't really know them - surely if you have the means to get in contact with them, you invite them don't you?
What kind of ongoing gratitude are you expecting from her since then night? Presumably she thanked you all for organising it on the night, but were you hoping for her to mention it every time you speak? To post about it on Facebook? To send thank you cards to you all?

manicinsomniac · 14/07/2014 09:29

Maybe she didn't want a party and isn't a very good actress.

I'm sorry you felt rejected after all the effort you went to though.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 14/07/2014 09:55

My mum had a surprise 40th and she said it was really weird. The organiser was a woman who loved doing stuff like that for it's own sake and she didn't invite any of her close friends. She had to endure the evening rather than enjoy it so no, she wasn't grateful. Sounds like less organisation and more friends would have been better.

Heels99 · 14/07/2014 09:59

We had a surprise party for my brother once. He made us promise never to do again! He was definitely surprised but surprised can also mean 'caught unawares'!

You did a lovely thing for your friend and Yanbu to be disappointed that she hasn't shown much appreciation. Good manners alone would suggest that she should appreciate your efforts. I don't think it matters that some friends you don't know erect there. You held a party amongst your group of friends. You are not professional wedding planners, you wanted her to have fun and celebr ate. Any criticisms are nitpicking.

gobbynorthernbird · 14/07/2014 10:03

It appears that the party was more about the organisers than the guest of honour. There's no reason your friend should be grateful for something she maybe didn't like, or wouldn't have done herself.

thecageisfull · 14/07/2014 10:09

Surprise parties are more fun for the organisers than the person they are for. I hate them. I'm not sure what you want her to do to 'show that she's really grateful'. If you were expecting anything more than 'Thanks for organising everything, you must have put in loads of effort.' then you may be disappointed.

Idontknowwhysheswallowedafly · 14/07/2014 10:17

thecageisfull
Surprise parties are more fun for the organisers than the person they are for

Nailed it!

I would have been touched by the effort but hated it. What's the point of having a party for someone if by your own admission you don't invite the people she would have wanted to be there?

My SIL has thrown two surprise parties for relatives and you can tell it is all about HER wanting to throw a party.

Surprise parties are up there with public marriage proposals in terms of how-can-I-make-this-all-about-me-while-seeming-to-be-great? I'm sure some people enjoy both but there's always the risk that the planner won't get the reaction they hoped for.

Politelydeclining · 14/07/2014 10:23

hasn't gone out of her way to show she's grateful

In what way would you have expected her to do this?

Branleuse · 14/07/2014 10:28

you only invited the friends you personally got on with and then didnt pay much attention to her on the night??

What was the occasion?

Icelollycraving · 14/07/2014 10:54

Are you the person who was going to holding a party with friends & the costs were spiralling a bit?
Perhaps she isn't as close as you thought. She might be like my mum who frankly cannot show emotion & even huge grand gestures don't really warrant anything.

ApocalypseThen · 14/07/2014 11:02

I think I would struggle to be grateful. I'd hate it. No hair done, no nice outfit, expected to be grateful for something I didn't want and wouldn't suit me.

And that's my birthday treat.

Nancy66 · 14/07/2014 11:10

it really does sound like you all threw a party for yourselves but claimed it was for her.

If you're going to throw a party for someone then you should take the trouble to invite the people she likes and make it the sort of do she'd want to attend. Sorry, but reads like you just did what you wanted.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2014 11:16

I hate surprises and I especially hate it when it is clear it was more for someone else's benefit than mine

JenniferJo · 14/07/2014 11:31

I hate surprise parties and everyone who knows me knows that. No one would dream of imposing one on me.

NewNameForSpring · 14/07/2014 12:12

I don't get surprise parties. Surely a large part of the fun is the anticipation of the party - the looking forward to it.

Also, for me anyway, I would want to think carefully about what I would want to wear etc and to get in the mood.

How does 5 seconds of surprise compare to weeks of anticipation and excitement?

Worse are those ones, usually on soap operas I grant you, where they pretend they have forgotten it's the person's birthday or whatever, so the one in the dark, is all upset and anxious before their birthday thinking no one cares. Again, how does five seconds of surprise make up for the preceding misery?

Yes I feel strongly about this.

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