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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Had a Party for BFF...

48 replies

curiouscritter22 · 14/07/2014 09:10

So a few weeks ago I gathered some friends to throw a simple surprise party for my best friend. It worked, and she was definitely surprised...but it seemed like we were more excited to throw the party for her than she was to get the surprise...and since it happened, she hasn't really gone out of her way to show that she's grateful for all the effort we put in.

We put in loads of effort...decorations, lots of food, cocktails, cake, the whole 9 yards, and tried to make it something that would fit with her style. There were a few gray areas though, and that's what's making me wonder if I'm being unreasonable to think she's ungrateful about the whole thing. First, we didn't invite all her expected guests. Some of them we (the planners) didn't know/aren't close to, and so it felt weird to invite them. In hindsight, we also didn't designate someone to keep an eye on her, make sure her drink was filled/she was happy, etc. throughout the evening. The other thing that someone pointed out was that we had sort of planned activities, and she didn't get a ton of input into how things went for the course of the evening.

I'm sure there could be more on her side of things, but she really gave off the impression by the end that she was a little disappointed with everything. Am I crazy to be mad? We put in so much effort keeping the secret and planning the party..I guess I was just expecting a little more excitement from my friend?

OP posts:
NoodleOodle · 14/07/2014 12:19

I would freak out and probably hide in the toilets crying if someone threw me a surprise party. Being confronted by people and expected to smile and be a social butterfly whilst totally unprepared would just be too much for me. Perhaps your friend has shown you as much gratitude as she can muster?

firesidechat · 14/07/2014 12:23

I would have hated a surprise party and struggled to show any gratitude at all. Fortunately nobody has ever tried to force this on me because they know me well enough.

YABU.

firesidechat · 14/07/2014 12:25

In fact I don't really like parties that much. Boring party pooper that I am.

firesidechat · 14/07/2014 12:26

Sorry, me again.

Activities sounds ominous to me. What were these activities?

BerylStreep · 14/07/2014 12:26

She could have perceived it as very controlling, as I probably would have done.

I also loathe the idea of surprise parties.

MonstrousPippin · 14/07/2014 12:27

I hate being unprepared for going out. I need to feel comfortable and that includes having a shower, finding the right clothes, doing my hair and make up.

The only surprise party I've had thrown for me was awful. My father had died a few weeks before and I was looking forward to me and DH (now ExH) going to our friend's place for a nice quiet weekend, just the four of us. We'd maybe have a meal out and just hang out and relax. I was looking forward to it SO MUCH. You can imagine how disappointed I was when it turned out on the Saturday night they threw me a surprise party to 'cheer me up' (I think it was vaguely near my birthday as well). I was at someone else's place for the weekend so couldn't get away and there was even people invited I didn't really want to see or talk to about why I 'needed cheering up'. It was bloody dreadful. It also resulted in me feeling guilty for being an ungrateful cow so tried to plaster on a smile for the whole fucking awful thing. I think the party organiser and ExH enjoyed it at least.

QuintessentiallyQS · 14/07/2014 12:32

My cousin got a surprise HEN party. Her best friends had not been invited, not her sister, and not her sister in law who she is close to (who is also the grooms sister - complicated as her brother married grooms sister). The organizers invited their own best friends from bride to be's circle of friends. They planned activites THEY would want, without thinking about what SHE would want.

My cousin ended up rethinking her relationship with her friends, and how the view her. She was so sad that they thought she would enjoy those things, and concluded her friends were either shallow and cruel, or regarded HER shallow and cruel. As it was a hen, the norm was for hen to do as they were told, and she was told to go and rant at street beggars.... I know you probably did not ask your friend to do that! ( I hope)

AggressiveBunting · 14/07/2014 12:42

Actually I think surprise parties can work if the person organising them knows the surprisee really well. My friend organised her husband an amazing 40th on a boat- organised for all his family from overseas to be there, friends, work colleagues etc. his boss was in on it and had cleared his diary for the next week so he could have 3 days of annual leave to spend with his family. He was really blown away and you could tell he loved it, but he is a super- gregarious guy.

Dh also once organised me a surprise bday dinner and that was pretty good too. He got the guest list right. He knows I hate organising myself a bday party so it was lovely just to get one.

Jackie0 · 14/07/2014 12:49

I think it's creepy and controlling and I would absolutely die if anyone pulled a stunt like that on me.
The fact that you refer to her as BFF is weird too.
I don't know anyone who would do this or want it done to them.

magicstar1 · 14/07/2014 12:51

I'd hate a surprise party, and all my friends know not to try to pull one off. On the other hand, DH loves surprises, so I threw him a surprise 40th a few weeks ago. We had it in a place he loves, and invited all his friends and family, with food he loves. In short, it was all about him...and that's the way your friend's party should have been. It sounds like you all put it together to suit yourselves, so I don't blame her for being off.

ADishBestEatenCold · 14/07/2014 12:56

Reverse AIBU?

bigTillyMint · 14/07/2014 13:04

Well, I would love a surprise party, I love any kind of party!

However, I have a friend whose friend organised a surprise party for her and she hated it and told her so at the party

HauntedNoddyCar · 14/07/2014 13:17

What do you mean by hasn't gone out of her was to show you she's grateful?

Is that she didn't say thank you or is it she hasn't told you you're an amazing friend and here's a bouquet?

If the party were a gift then you give for the sake of giving not to be thanked endlessly.

I'd hate a surprise party.

Jackie0 · 14/07/2014 13:19

So everyone else is prepared , dressed up & looking fab and you have to spend hours in their company with a greasy fringe wearing whatever you threw on for the supermarket trip/dogwalk ?
Then the activities ? Seriously ? Like Monica's party in friends ?
Could it possibly be a baby shower OP? That would explain the activities?

squizita · 14/07/2014 14:13

I hate surprises.

I also hate due to issues in childhood "enforced gratitude" and gushing. I don't think I have a reputation for being ungrateful but when someone expects endless 'thank youuuuu' and mentions of things it makes me feel unhappy, like they don't want my genuine thanks, they want people to see how great they are.

Maybe she has a case of the 2 things above? I can't be that much of a freak.

LisaMed · 14/07/2014 14:16

If someone threw me a surprise party I would never, ever forgive them, up to scorpions in shoes level. It would suit some people, but not me.

Were you really sure that your friend would like this?

squizita · 14/07/2014 14:19

JackieO if it was a surprise babyshower I would have about tailed and walked out. Pregnancy can be a very anxious time, you don't know what's going on between a pregnant woman and her MW/Dr... luckily most people get that. A lot of women me included would be hurled into panic mode!

sparechange · 14/07/2014 14:35

I can't reconcile these:
"So a few weeks ago I gathered some friends to throw a simple surprise party"
vs
"We put in loads of effort...decorations, lots of food, cocktails, cake, the whole 9 yards"

I call reverse...

creampie · 14/07/2014 14:49

Slight derailing, but is anyone else wanting to hear more about Impatience's hen do...? Wink

magpiegin · 14/07/2014 15:50

Is this a reverse?

TheVioletHour · 14/07/2014 16:06

My unis friends threw me a simple surprise bday party which I loved BUT i can still see why your BFF may not have appreciated it and may not want to show undying gratitude for a party she never asked for. Yabu.

impatienceisavirtue · 14/07/2014 16:12

creampie, nothing particularly interesting sadly, just depressingly awful.

MOH left it until the last week to plan anything, despite the other bridesmaid chasing her up constantly in the months and months before. Not in a naggy way but helpful gentle nudges. She said after she wanted to just get it sorted for my sake but didn't want to upset MOH stepping on her toes and she genuinely thought she'd sort something.

In the last week, she invited a small handful of people, intentionally excluded close friends of mine as she didn't like them, and her 'plans' included the few people who could go so last minute going on a tacky night out into our local town, which is a dive.

Btw I wasn't remotely bridezilla about any of the wedding. I wasn't fussed about the hen do tbh, and I would have rather have none than the night turned out to be.

A couple of people we ran into made good natured cracks pitying me for having such a lame hen do- they were actually genuinely convinced we must have been joking we were staying there.

MOH had a sulk on all night... Well the part of the night she stayed. She then went to the toilet and never returned. We rang and rang and she didn't answer. Eventually, several hours later, we got hold of her boyfriend on her phone who laughed at me and said she was home and had just gone to bed.

When asked about it the next day she tried to turn it round that she was badly done by, insinuated she had been spiked as she was soooop drunk so quickly she'd been thrown out of the pub. Obviously this rendered her mobile as unusable? Anyway, daft bint forgot the fact that I knew the bouncer on the door socially and he said when she'd left she was stone cold sober, wasn't in a bit of bother and was taking on her phone on the way out. Walked straight out the door and got into a black cab.

She even then didn't actually apologise and just kept saying she couldn't remember so that she didn't have to come up with any explanation. She then made digs about how uncomfortable she felt because of one or two strangers making the comments they did.

This is the same woman who was supposed to come help set up the venue the day before the wedding and booked a boiler service and a tesco delivery instead. Fortunately the other bridesmaid saved the day on this and every other occasion - to include going out and just buying some shoes for her as she couldnt be arsed choosing any (that I was going to pay for).

She didn't actually have any 'duties', I didn't expect anything of her whatsoever, the other bridesmaid repeatedly offered help and a few times I said that if she was too busy it was fine and id sort a hen do. She said it was fine. When I found out that one week before the do she had actually not had any plans other than to go out drinking somewhere crap I said not to worry, I didn't mind and it was fine to just leave it -not in an arsey way, i was getting married as I love DH, not for a hen do. So she used that one conversation one week before, when it was too late, to say how it was all my fault.

Sorry, longer than I expected as an answer ha ha - but this wasn't even the reason I stopped being her friend. This was just one in many shitty things that made me feel awful, when I never let her down with stuff like this at all. Definitely an eye opener though!

Bursarymum · 14/07/2014 16:14

When you do something for someone then you don't really have the right to expect them to behave in a particular way in response. It seems then as if you've done it to validate your own feelings which is a bit misguided. My mum is a lot like this.

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