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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To confront DP about his atrocious eating habits?

99 replies

Keletubbie · 14/07/2014 08:32

My partner is a long term bachelor. He's 45 and I'm the first girlfriend he's lived with since uni. We've been living together for about 9 months and bar the obvious teething troubles, it's fab. I have a 6 yr old DD from a previous relationship.

But I just cannot get past the way he eats. In the past 24 hours, he's devoured 6 Mars bars and an entire pack of caramel wafers, as well as a family pork pie and a large pack of chorizo. This cannot be normal, right? Plus 6 cans of full sugar coke.

He eats whatever I put in front of him for dinner, but generally guzzles large quantities of junk food as well. I'm quite overweight, but eat a reasonably balanced diet. He's perhaps a little over his fighting weight, but tall and lanky.

My concern is primarily for his health... AIBU to mention that this is a ridiculous diet for a grown man? Don't get me started on the carpet of McDonalds packaging in his car...

OP posts:

MaryWestmacott · 14/07/2014 13:17

I would ask him not to eat large amounts junk food infront of your DD, so chocolate, crisps etc are for once she's in bed unless you are having something as a pudding.

Also point out how much sugar he's having, that can't be healthy.

But it could be your portions need to increase, that's a lot of extra calories he's eating, and you said he's not massively overweight, he clearly needs to eat more 'normal' food. Do you have healthy snacks in the house?

But yes, unless he really wants to change, at 45, he is what he is. I'm of the opinion that if you take someone on after the age of 25, their habits are pretty much set unless they decide to change, you can't influence them and they are unlikely to decide to change.

Pugaboo · 14/07/2014 13:19

I eat way too much sugar but not even a fraction of what he's putting away.

My uncle died young of liver failure in his 50s. they thought he was an alcoholic but actually going through his bind they just found packinging for sugary cream cakes, sweets and sugary drinks and no evidence of alcohol.

He's risking his health, his life.

Original poster

Keletubbie · 14/07/2014 13:19

Glad to know I'm not the only person living with a human dustbin!

He works in IT and is generally very lazy - he plays football once a week and can occasionally be persuaded to walk the dog - it was part of the agreement that if I got a dog, I would walk her because my physio suggested a little dog as exercise.

His car - his mess. My car is a pig pen too, but usually child detritus. I can't eat and drive at the same time thankfully.

He has high BP and always has - runs in the family. Takes meds for it and chooses not to acknowledge the role that diet plays in managing it... and his dad died young, so I worry.

I gain weight thinking about cream cakes. I was hospitalised last year with a neuro condition and have only regained full mobility in the last month. I was lardy anyway, but piled on a lot more being unable to walk, eating biscuits and feeling sorry for myself.

DD is a bit miffed that he eats so much crap and she gets handed apples and carrot sticks, but it's not really an issue. I was a fatty fat kid and have never let her eat shit food in vast quantities.

OP posts:

magpiegin · 14/07/2014 13:20

You can mention it to him, highlight you're worried about his health but that is as far as you can go. Ultimately it's up to him what he eats and drinks.

MaidOfStars · 14/07/2014 13:20

Who does the shopping, OP?

Original poster

Keletubbie · 14/07/2014 13:24

I do the shopping - he hands over his share and I manage what comes in. Fridge is packed with healthy food as I type, as I do my best not to gorge as well. Fruit, veg, lean protein... plus the odd treats. I'm used to is having a 6 pack of crisps lasting a few weeks, not disappearing in minutes.

But... he buys the real junk. Add to this weekend's gorging a family pack of Doritos and salsa consumed last night that I just cleaned away.

OP posts:

Ragwort · 14/07/2014 13:27

He probably knows he doesn't eat a well balanced diet so what is the point of saying anything?

I know full well I eat too much fat/sugar/carbs (& drink too much wine ) and not enough fruit & veg. I am not stupid, I accept that it is not good for me and I may well have health issues/limited life expectancy.

My husband pointing this out to me isn't going to suddenly make me change my diet.

peggyundercrackers · 14/07/2014 13:29

I think you should leave him alone - he is an adult and can eat what he likes - you are interfering and trying to be controlling.

ephemeralfairy · 14/07/2014 13:34

Just because he isn't overweight doesn't mean he is healthy on the inside!
My dad was slim, active and seemed perfectly healthy. He died very suddenly at the age of 45 from a massive heart attack caused by cholesterol build up in his arteries.

I nag my partner constantly with regards to his poor diet; not because I am controlling but because I am terrified of losing him in the same way.

Bunbaker · 14/07/2014 13:47

"I think you would be very controlling to comment on your DH's diet"

"you are interfering and trying to be controlling."

I don't agree at all. I find his out of control eating habits ridiculous, very childish and positively repulsive.

And before you think I am holier than thou. I do eat cakes and sweets and biscuits, but not in gargantuan quantities like the OP's partner. His sugar consumption is out of control and he sounds like diabetes waiting to happen.

I just wouldn't keep these items in the house, and if he insisted on consuming them I would make sure it wasn't in front of my child.

He sounds like a real catch.

Coumarin · 14/07/2014 14:07

The OP's partner's eating habits will affect her eventually. He will get ill, diabetes or heart problems, and possibly need her care or die younger than he should. So her having a discussion about it with him is as much about her own life as his. It's not controlling.

Yanbu OP.

PresidentSpreadable · 14/07/2014 14:11

YANBU. I actually find the list of what he's eaten in a day quite repellent, and know full well that I couldn't find someone attractive if they treated their body like a dustbin.

He's a risk of type 2 diabetes, heart disease and all sorts, no matter what the scales say.

Original poster

Keletubbie · 14/07/2014 14:50

This is pretty much the only repulsive thing about him.

He's a great partner and a doting step dad. He is also a grown up - I'm not going to ban junk food from the house as without my PMT-curing Kitkat, heads would roll.

But I think a gentle chat might help. I might be hesitant due to the fact I'm fat - which his mother loves to remind me about - and he's not.

OP posts:

BuilderMammy · 14/07/2014 15:22

I think you're probably right to have a gentle chat about how you're worried about his health, and don't want to lose him in too early because of his diet. If he's a great partner, he should be able to take that on board.

And I say that as a fat, unhealthy, greedy pig who's married to another with similar inclinations. I think if DH asked me to eat more healthily out of love I'd be more than willing to make the effort. The fact that he doesn't seem to give a damn about either his health or mine is somewhat offputting.

BlackeyedSusan · 14/07/2014 15:40

I wonder if you could sell it to him as supporting you to lose weight?

the thing is he will be doing damage to his insides, and looking after him when he is ill will affect you.

ex thought pasta and pesto was balanced when he lived alone. he gets fed plenty of veggies and fruit when he stays to see the children. He ids their dad and I suspect they will quite like to have him around for as long as possible. need to apply the same logic to me too. he is a lot thinner!

SolidGoldBrass · 14/07/2014 16:14

OP, it sounds like you are the one with food issues. Don't raise your DD to be terrified of fatness, or to believe that eating is all about self-denial and moral issues.

And butt out of your partner's diet. He sounds like he enjoys food. Nothing wrong with that. What he eats is none of your business.

Original poster

Keletubbie · 14/07/2014 16:26

I definitely don't have food issues, and go to great lengths to ensure my daughter isn't exposed to diets, fat/thin debates, etc. We eat well IMO.

And DP eats well with us. but the gorging on junk food is doing him no favours in the long run.

OP posts:

LumieresForMe · 14/07/2014 16:34

Your dp us lucky that he can eat a lot if crap food wo putting weight on. However, as others gave said, it will still be detrimental to his health.
The thing is, he has had a lifetime to get use to eat this stuff and you can see why. Coming back home alone late at night, a mc Donald's, a big is bag of Doritos are just easier. And who really enjoys cooking just for himself?

On the other side, you seem to be very self aware about your weight, how much you exercise and what you should be eating. Maybe even too much (you sound like you feel what he us eating us disgusting and that maybe he us disgusting to eat do much crap). Having spent a lifetime being careful about what you eat and being made to feel guilty about your weight/what you are eating does that for you.

If you want to approach that subject, do it from a health pov not the weight. Also do it from the pov if your child, ie you want to teach get to eat the right things and live by the maxim 'monkey sees, monkey does'. Hence it essential for you and your DP to be careful of what example you are giving.

However, be aware that your dp might just dismiss your concerns altogether. And that a small step approach (like no crisps in the house and only 'healthy' foods on the shopping list) might get you better results.

owlbegoing · 14/07/2014 16:48

I thought this would be about him using his hands or chewing with his mouth open.
I'd leave him be. If he's eaten like this all his life then you're not going to change that. He'll have to decide that for himself which unfortunately might only be forced by a health scare.

Bunbaker · 14/07/2014 21:18

"OP, it sounds like you are the one with food issues."

I don't think she does. It sounds like her partner does. No normal person eats that amount of crap all the time.

MsAspreyDiamonds · 14/07/2014 21:30

Is he diabetic? If not, I would be surprised as to why not given the amount of sugar he consumes.

Happy36 · 15/07/2014 01:39

I wouldn´t confront him. However, I would take care not to start joining him in any of the junk food binges. Try to introduce him to the delights of healthier eating - perhaps bigger portions at mealtimes will encourage him to stop snacking. Also keep fruit handy for when he does snack. , Finally getting outdoors, walking, cycling, swimming, etc. will make his lifestyle a little healthier bit by bit.

Tread softly to catch this monkey, I think.

fuzzpig · 17/07/2014 09:18

Have you given any more thought to how you'll approach this Kele?

FWIW I don't think you'd be wrong to bring up the subject. It's about health and who wouldn't want their partner to be as healthy as they could be? Nobody wants the love of their life to get a heart attack or diabetes. He has extra reason to worry about the former, given his family history :(

I would make it a drive to get healthier as a family, since you are wanting to lose weight and I guess gradually regain fitness after being ill.

Iownafourinchporsche · 17/07/2014 10:37

I would be very concerned for his long term health. All that sugar makes him in line for type 2 diabeties. It's not a healthy diet and we all know how important it is to eat a healthy diet.

Iownafourinchporsche · 17/07/2014 10:38

He is eating lots of crap I agree

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