To feel like walking out the door?

[Anilec]

This was my Sunday:

Up at 7am after a terrible night's sleep, with DS1 (4) coming into our bed, me decamping to DS1's bed for all of five minutes before he tracked me down.
Both kids up, fed, washed, dressed, entertained.
Kitchen tidied, dishwasher emptied.
First load of washing on.
Sheets on all four beds changed.
Washing hung out on line.
Bathroom and understairs loo cleaned.
Lunch made.
Second load of washing on.
Tidy up.
Write word count for day (more so, in fact). I am a writer and my sole income supports the family.
Buy Christmas present for DS2 in Argos sale.
Text DH who has taken the boys out so I can write, because I want to see what time they are coming home so I know when to cook. No answer.
After working all FUCKING DAY I walk down to village to get paper and get out of the house I haven't left all day.
Get home 20 mins later to find DH and kids home.

DH says to me "Don't you think you should have started dinner earlier?"
I say "I texted to find out when you would be home."
DH: "Well it's hardly time sensitive is it? You could have just cooked it this afternoon."

DH's day:

Lie-in until 10.30am
Watch the cricket
Take boys to adventure fun park with friends for 3 hours. This is apparently a massive favour for me despite the fact that if I can't write, we don't earn any fucking money!
Watch the football.

Big row ensues. I asked him, at some point during the day, that as I had been doing housework all morning, that it would be good if he could mop the bathroom and kitchen floor. Cue much eye-rolling but he said he'd do it. I bring this up again in the row and he said - and this is a direct quote - "I didn't expect that you'd want me to do it today - or tomorrow. I'll do it at a time that's convenient for myself." Apparently I am massively overreacting. Am I?

So, AIBU to do precisely nothing from now on in and when challenged by DH to say, "well, I was going to do it, just at a time convenient to myself."

In case it's not obvious, I am so ANGRY. I wouldn't have said we have an unequal relationship. He's always done a lot of the childcare and the cooking. Perhaps it's being the wage earner that's getting to me - that and having to be responsible for pretty much everything else.

I feel for you OP. However things may seem different and more in proportion after a good night's sleep. Your DH was insensitive with the comment about cooking dinner though.

YANBU for being angry about that, but your DH took the kids out to free you up to write and you achieved what you set out to do - it wasn't as if he was doing nothing.

Maybe you need to give yourself a break, especially if you haven't slept well?

What do you write about?

I think he has got into a rut. Don't go on strike but just do what you can. Reasonably within the day. He does the rest. Which as you are working would be the childcare and a reasonable amount of housework. If he doesn't do the stuff. Well it wont get done. Then he will see

I definitely think it seems reasonable for you to feel angry on the back of today. It doesn't sound like household chores are shared fairly - do you have similar expectations regarding what should be done around the house and how often?

You say generally you don't think the relationship is unequal which suggests your DH is probably a reasonable man? I think you need to sit down together and look at everything that needs to be done outside of the hours in which you are working and he is doing the childcare. Look at all of the cleaning/washing/gardening/cooking/shopping/childcare etc that needs to be done and then decide who should do it and how often, ensuring both of you have times set aside for yourselves including a lie-in.

I think it would be better to talk to your DH now as things first start getting to you than waiting until you really start to resent or feel angry at things. Good luck!

Does he work? Generally on here the one who doesnt work does the lions share of the housework. Doesnt sound like its that way around in your house.

Can you go elsewhere to write and treat it more like going out to work - with him at home with the dcs and the chores while you work then both put hands on deck when you are home and more "off duty"?

Thanks ladies, I'm sure you are right. I don't sleep well any night, to be honest. Our 4 year old is pretty much in our bed most nights and coupled with my chronic insomnia, doesn't make for a restful night.

The other thing is that I can't just ignore the housework. If things are horribly messy then I just can't relax in my own home. I'm not some utter clean freak (I wish!) but the least I can ask for is clear floors and surfaces.

I write police procedurals and psychological thrillers ;)

Sorry, cross posted. No, he doesn't work outside the home. You're right though, I need to talk to him - which I will when I have calmed down....

What does your DH do to support the family, either financially or via housework?

My sole income supports our family. I also cook (because I'm better at it). DH in turn does childcare before and after school, shopping, laundry, DIY, gardening, dog walking, car maintenance, bill payments etc.

I suggest that as your sole income is what your family relies on, that's your priority and that's what you should do. While your DH does childcare, laundry, shopping, cooking - as his support to the family.

If your DH doesn't like contributing equally, then you have a larger argument on your hands. 3h at a child fun park while he chats to friends and kids entertain themselves isn't really on a par.

Can you have an office in a shed in the garden? Keep it clean and tidy so when you're in there you can work without worrying about mopping floors / clearing surfaces. Then when you're working, your DH has the run of the house to arrange laundry, cooking and all the other things that need to be done. I'd suggest showing him your initial post as well and asking him how fair he thought that task distribution was.

Divide up the chores more evenly.

When you have slept, tell your husband how his comment about dinner made you feel and ask him to respond to your texts in future so that you can have more harmony / synchronisation in the household.

Feel proud of yourself for getting your writing done.

I write police procedurals and psychological thrillers ;)

No advice, but I wanted to say those are my favorites!

do you always work at home?

could you rent an office space nearby? i have a friend who is a writer. It helped her enormously.

Why isn't your dh working? Why doesn't he clean house during week?

Yanbu.

He should be doing the same amount of hours that you spend working doing house work and then the childcare should be shared.

Is he looking for paid employment?

As a general rule of thumb, you should both have the same amount of leisure time, doing things you enjoy, rather than thing you have to do. It doesn't sound like that is happening here.

After working yesterday with DH looking after the DCs at home and me arriving home to a complete shit-tip albeit him having changed the beds I'm resorting to making a list of everything I do today whilst I'm in the same position.

And that's before going to do a 10hour shift again myself after a full day of childcare.

I wouldn't say we had an unequal relationship either but it seems like mat leave has kicked him back to the 50s.

What does he do if you're doing all the earning and most of the housework?

Oh and yanbu to walk out. Cafe with wifi to write in? Or library?

Or pub

I'd be angry too. What an entitled, disrespectful, ungrateful and just plain nasty attitude he has! Who does he think he is?!

I hope you can get to the bottom of this soon. And if I were you I'd find somewhere else to write, at least a couple of times a week.

You want to try living with my STBXH. He would never do anything with the kids!! He never lifted a finger in the house!

I'll do it at a time that's convenient for myself.

Sounds like my DW. What it means is that as long as the house is potentially clean and tidy as a result of work scheduled for some unspecified future time, there's no need for it to be actually clean and tidy at any given moment you might want to be enjoying it.

He either needs to look after the home or go out to work IMO

you need to get out the house to work, then you won't be distracted by whether it is clean or not.
I know my house had never been as clean as when trying to write my dissertation.

How about leaving the house and writing in a nice cosy pub/cafe? Will get you out of the house?

I work from home a lot and my DH sees this as down time! When I am really busy, responding to tenders etc I find getting out helps, I can't be distracted by housework.

Them if you are not home then your DH needs to step up, look after the children, food prep etc

Hmm, if he's not working, why are you having to do lots of housework at the weekend? Some washing, fine, but surely things like cleaning bathrooms etc should be done by sahp during the week?

I think you have two problems. Your dh is being lazy, and you work from home, which means he gets away with it - you are on hand to pick up the slack. Can you get out the house to work?

YANBU to expect your DH to do most of the childcare and housework as you are working and he is not.

However I think YABU to expect him to automatically have the same standards as you when it comes to housework.

I'm currently a SAHM (going back to work in Sept). While I've been a SAHM I have been happy to do most of the housework, but I would not be impressed at all if DH told me when to do it or criticised the state of the house (he's generally tidier than me).

Thing is, if this was the 50s and one of you was working(wage-earning) and the other was at home running the household, the wage-earner would not be doing the housework or the cooking. Nor would the house 'wife' be doing a favour by looking after the children so that the wage-earner could earn. That would be expected.

However, the wage-earner, would, on the whole, leave the household stuff to the other, therefore not needing to ask for floors to be mopped etc because it wouldn't be up to them, it wouldn't have been their job!

Convoluted, but you get my drift (I hope).

You need to find somewhere outside the house to write/earn your living if you can (posh shed is a good idea) and your DH needs to step up and if he's not going to work outside the home then he needs to do much more of the work inside it.

Then perhaps you can have shared time at weekends together to do what else needs doing and time together as a family.

Does he not work through choice or circumstance?
PP is right - he needs to be doing the bulk of childcare and housework through the week while you treat your writing job like a 9-5pm occupation which renders you unavailable between these hours.

I am a SAHM and DH works FT. I wouldn't expect dh to be doing what you did on Sunday as I have the time to do it through the week. It's a no-brainer.