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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be this upset at xh's gf being pregnant?

29 replies

itchychin · 13/07/2014 20:55

Been divorced about 4 years, split a year after having our first and only baby DD. He's been with his partner for about 4 years and so it really shouldn't be a surprise.

I'm really upset about it. We had trouble conceiving (him) and it took us 3 years and a round of IVF. He then became 'depressed' for DD's first year and made my life a misery (I don't think he was actually depressed hence the inverted commas I did suggest the doctors it was more he didn't love me anymore). He need to have some 'fun'.

I don't want him back. I don't wish him any unhappiness I think I just feel hugely jealous. However unreasonable it feels like he stole my future (I always wanted more than 1 child but resigned myself after our fertility issues to not probably, and now still single I am too old!) and he now gets to have another chance and I don't.

I think I might also be worried DD (6 yo) will prefer spending time there rather than here as is keen for a sibling (she'll be delighted when she finds out which is a really nice thing).

I cried all afternoon (xh wasn't the most sensitive in telling me) is this normal?!!!

OP posts:
SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 13/07/2014 21:03

Very normal. My ex was an emotionally abusive bully and I still got very upset when I found out his new gf was pregnant. For pretty much all the reasons you stated.

I also felt like, "Why does he deserve the happy ending?"

Thanks and Wine

You just need time to let it sink in.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 13/07/2014 21:05

Also, don't worry about DD. The novelty soon wears off!

dancestomyowntune · 13/07/2014 21:06

I understand completely op. I was hurt when an ex whose baby I had lost got another girl pregnant. It's only natural.

Just don't let it make you bitter.

Original poster
itchychin · 13/07/2014 21:08

That's it - he gets the happy ending. It is sinking in now and I feel a bit silly. Thank you Saga at least I'm not too weird!! (Funnily enough I have Wine Wink) x

OP posts:
Original poster
itchychin · 13/07/2014 21:10

Thank you dances too. Glad to hear it's natural. I have more bitterness left in me than I thought.

When I'm feeling less sorry for myself I am grateful for what I have honestly! x

OP posts:
Fanfeckintastic · 13/07/2014 21:10

Oh I completely understand how you're feeling though I haven't been there myself, any day now I'm expecting the news and absolutely dreading it.
I'm so frightened of it making me bitter.

I really do think women get a raw deal after the breakdown of a long-term relationship/marriage.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 13/07/2014 21:14

It was such a horrible night when I found out. They also used the name we were going to use if our ds had been a girl, which was a family name with a lot of sentiment on my side. I was devastated and sobbed my heart out.

But then, when I was all cried out, one word popped in my head, and that word was "forgive." Out of nowhere I thought of that word and it was an epiphany. I interpreted as it was time to let it go, forgive him for being such a vile person, forgive myself for leaving and splitting my son's family up. It was like him having a baby was my wake up call to just let it all go and be happy within myself. I don't know if any of this helps you, but just wanted you to know it is normal to be so upset. To me it was my rock bottom, so there was nowhere to go but up.

BruthasTortoise · 13/07/2014 21:15

YANBU - upset is perfectly normal but agree with PP about no making you bitter. My DHs ex went on a complete rampage when she was told I was pregnant to the point that the stress landed me in hospital and we nearly lost DS. It was truly horrendous. I'm not at all suggesting that you would behave like that btw Smile. Flowers for you and enjoy some extra cuddles with your own DD tonight.

Original poster
itchychin · 13/07/2014 21:26

In a way I've been dreading it for years so there's nothing left for me to dread now is there?!

BurthasTortoise that is awful. Glad all was okay in the end. Thank you for your kind words.

Saga I did wonder if they might use one of 'our' names. Surely not. How insensitive of your ex Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
itchychin · 13/07/2014 21:31

Whoops! *Bruthas

OP posts:
pinkerson · 13/07/2014 21:32

When a friend told me exp was having a baby, he was amazed I didn't cry. I was totally over him though and part of leaving was accepting at the time that I probably wouldn't have dc. Not having dc made it loads easier I guess ... Very hard to see an ex have a second dc with someone else.

Lovely that you can be pleased in some way for your dd though. That's admirable.

SagaNorensLeatherTrousers · 13/07/2014 21:33

itchy it happened less than a year after our split so I'm sure you're in a better "place" emotionally than I was at the time. It's shit, really shit that some blokes seem to have an easier time of convincing naive women that they're normal moving on.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 13/07/2014 21:34

I was married to my ex for 16 years and after many years of ttc we found out he was infertile - he would not even consider adoption as "he couldn't raise another mans child". That was that - life went on, not great but hey ho.............until he left me for OW. The worst part for me was that she had two children - I didn't want him back for a second and it was a relief to be rid of him but it hurt like hell that he wouldn't even talk about adoption with me but was happy to be the doting step dad.

I now have a wonderful dh and two dc, funny how life works out.........

Catrin · 13/07/2014 21:39

I could have written your OP, apart from the fact he has yet to get anyone pregnant. I categorically do not want him, or our old life back. But the thought that he refused to have any more children and I am now too old is devastating for me. I imagine that when the day comes, my feelings will be exactly as you have said.

Original poster
itchychin · 13/07/2014 21:42

It is a bit shit Sad

He wanted us to tell our DD together - didn't seem to understand I might not want to do this (or that a sobbing mother wouldn't be giving quite the best reassurance!).

OP posts:
HicDraconis · 13/07/2014 23:16

Have no experience of this but I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! I think the "why should he get the happy ending?" sounds like it sums everything up.

Hugs and Flowers and Bear for you. Your DD may be happy to have a sibling and that's great but you'll always be her home.

weatherall · 13/07/2014 23:20

I had this too when I found out DS's father's new wife had a baby.

It is v weird.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 13/07/2014 23:37

But... I would say that he's the one that doesn't have the happy ending.

He then became 'depressed' for DD's first year and made my life a misery (I don't think he was actually depressed hence the inverted commas I did suggest the doctors it was more he didn't love me anymore). He need to have some 'fun'.

The first time he became a father, ^^ that is what he did. Ruined it - partly for you, but most certainly for himself. Couldn't value the amazing gift he had been given. Why do you necessarily think he'd be any different now? Even if they stay together, she's got a life partner and co-parent who has done this before and failed miserably...happy ending? I'm not so sure.

Another chance? Well - he needs one, doesn't he? You took your first chance and made the most of it. He didn't. He messed it up. You don't say whether he's a great father now, but the bottom line is that you have a child you've always put first and he hasn't. And people don't tend to change, really.

I would rather be you than be him.

Breezy1985 · 13/07/2014 23:48

I felt exactly the same, we'd been split 3 years, the fact he rarely bothers with the 2 children we have made me feel a million times worse, he cannot afford to have them yet can afford to have a new baby Hmm

mimishimmi · 14/07/2014 03:08

What's the bet he gets bored with the 'new' girlfriend after the new baby is born too..... don't feel bad, feel sorry for her because it's very likely history is about to repeat itself. Thanks

Butterflyspring · 14/07/2014 08:33

I felt exactly the same - but when baby was born it felt much better. But I totally agree with Bruno - he won't treat the new child or OW any better than he treated you. His happy ending is probably all smoke and mirrors and ain't so happy after all. My ex doesn't bother with my child at all now - and I bet there will come a point when he doesn't bother with the new offspring either - the only thing his new family warrant from you is your pity really.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 14/07/2014 08:38

Normal response I think. But try and look at it this way ; you did get the happy ending, not him. Not only did you get your DD but you also don't have to be married to him anymore!

lagoon · 14/07/2014 08:56

I've been split from my STBXH for a while now, it was me who initiated the split and I have a new partner, but even so the idea of my ex having a baby with someone else is a bit weird and make my tummy feel odd, we wanted a second DC for years but were never 'ready'.
Now I wonder whether my new partners ex wife would feel odd if we ever had one...Wouldn't want to make anyone feel like that.
I think you're being perfectly normal.

BruthasTortoise · 14/07/2014 09:24

butterfly why have you referred to the ex's partner as an "other woman"? Surely after 4 years together and it not having started as an affair she is simply his DP? I have every sympathy for the OP but the ex and his DP haven't actually done anything wrong - they're just a couple having a baby.

Roundedbuttocks90 · 14/07/2014 13:30

My STBXH's ex partner made our lives hell when she found out we were expecting.

We kept it quiet until 20 weeks and he was pressuring me to go through with a termination because he was scared of her reaction. She rang him up crying, started demanding that we had DSD more, that STBXH paid more maintainence and that we bought her new clothes (which I've never seen since).

I can understand why it's upsetting but for the good of everyone, including yourself, don't be bitter, hold your head up high and be thankful for the little girl you've got

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