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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to attend cousins wedding

45 replies

JammieMummy · 12/07/2014 21:07

My cousin, who I have always seen as more than family and more like a good friend, is getting married this year. When we were first talking about the wedding she told me that no children were invited except for her niece and nephew. This caused me major problems as I have literally no one to babysit (all of them were going to the wedding) but I was really supportive, didn't mention my personal issues at all and just thought that it was her big day so she should have whatever she wants.

I searched everywhere and still couldn't find a babysitter so sent her a lovely message saying that I would be coming to the wedding alone as my DH was going to have to stay home to look after the children (DH was invited). That I was really looking forward to it etc. I received no reply at all, which I was a bit upset about as I had really put myself out and if I am being totally honest really didn't want to go to a family wedding where everyone else has partners there and I was on my own.

So fast forward to a few days ago when I find out another family member (who has absolutely no childcare issues) is bring their 5 year old DD (same age and just as we'll behaved as my child). Not only are they bringing her but she was specifically invited.

I know it sounds silly but I feel so upset and hurt. My cousin knows the issues I have had, she is my daughters godmother and knows I will be coming alone (which I find really hard). Yet she can invite this other child (and I am sure she has invited others I just don't know about it yet) and not my daughter who loves her and is close to her. I now want to write her a short letter explaining that I know about the situation and that I just don't feel able to attend the wedding, as she doesn't seem to value my little family. The only thing that is stopping me is that I don't want to hurt her or mar her big day at all because as hurt as I am she is still family and her wedding day is her big day.

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 12/07/2014 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Loletta · 12/07/2014 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lilaclily · 12/07/2014 21:14

Oh how awful
I'd be tempted to ring her & just ask why she's excluding her god daughter when other children are invited ?

Lilaclily · 12/07/2014 21:15

Or could you ask her parents, presumably your aunt & uncle ?

CrapBag · 12/07/2014 21:15

I wouldn't write that letter. You are going to create a massive fallout and a lot of I'll feeling if you do that.

I see why you're hurt but I am firmly of the opinion that it is solely up to the bride and groom who gets invited and no matter what they do someone doesn't like it.

I also don't get why you are so reluctant to go without a partner. They are your family not a bunch of strangers you don't know.

YANBU to decline if you really feel you must but be prepared for your relationship with your cousin not being the same again.

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2014 21:16

Blimey, what is it with texts and little letters?

Just pick up the phone and talk to her

For all you know, you might have half a story and she may think you're looking forward to leaving your DC and DH behind for a night.

hoobypickypicky · 12/07/2014 21:17

First things first, you sent your cousin an acceptance note. There's no need for her to acknowledge what is essentially your own acknowledgement and it's not usually done so you're feeling upset about nothing there.

Secondly, the invitation of other children. There's got to be a reason, hasn't there?

Maybe she's contacted you along with other mothers of young children and her message has been lost in the post/email junk box?

Maybe there are pressing reasons for inviting the other child that you're jst not aware of, that the bride doesn't feel obliged to explain to anyone.

Maybe, to be brutally honest, your child isn't as well behaved as the other one, or at least not in the bride's and groom's opinion.

YABU to write to her with anything but "Unfortunately, due to circumstances beyond my control, I'm no longer able to attend your wedding. I do hope that you both have a wonderful day". You and your DH were invited. You chose to go and DH chose to stay home with your child. To write stroppy letters about why you've now decided not to go after all is just not on.

You don't want to go, fine. The day is theirs, it doesn't revolve around you.

MrsGeorgeMichael · 12/07/2014 21:18

why not all go to the church bit and then call it a day?
or you can go on to reception on your own?

BlinkAndMiss · 12/07/2014 21:21

I'd ring her and ask her, give her chance to explain. YANBU I don't think I'd go if this is the case, her wedding her choice but she has to understand that there are always consequences.

Original poster

JammieMummy · 12/07/2014 21:21

The other child is also a family member, although not so closely related, and my grandmother told me as she was so upset about the situation and knew I would find it hard turning up on the day without anyone only to see other family's there having a lovely time. She has no idea why this other child is invited and doesn't think the situation is right.

I thought about chatting to her about it over coffee but I am a bit of a wimp and she would give me some long winded explanation which in my head I wouldn't agree with but would find myself nodding along. Funnily enough it doesn't bother me so much that DS isn't invited as he is 2 and will take some careful handling on the day (which I absolutely would have done) so much as DD who has a good relationship with her and says to people "this is my godmother" really proudly!

OP posts:

Loletta · 12/07/2014 21:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

JammieMummy · 12/07/2014 21:34

Also to be clear I would not be writing to ask her to invite my child, I also agree that it is her wedding and she should have who ever she wants there. I wouldn't dream of imposing on someone who did want me or the children there whatever the reason.

I can't help but take the rejection of my children personally and to answer someone above my DD is impeccably behaved, my cousin is always commenting on how she hopes her own DD is so good at that age. Which is why it hurts so much and I really don't understand the situation. (For the record DS is a small whirlwind and so I am not a mad mother who thinks her children are angles). I am sure this is not the case but my children are adopted and it feels like she doesn't see them as a true part of the family (which is something we have experienced with other parts of the family).

OP posts:

Princess28 · 12/07/2014 21:38

Maybe she felt she couldn't invite one of your children and not the other?

WorraLiberty · 12/07/2014 21:39

Oh for goodness sake

She's your cousin who you've always seen as more than family and more like a good friend, yes?

So pick up the phone and ask her how the wedding plans are going.

Steer the convo around to your DH staying home to babysit, and see what she says about the child she's invited.

But stop listening to second hand information...and writing a letter to someone you profess to be so close to is just a bit weird, sorry.

sykadelic · 12/07/2014 21:40

I'd just send a message telling her your situation has changed and neither your DP or you can attend, "so sorry".

The problem with that, is it doesn't solve the bad feelings that you have, which I think are perfectly reasonable. If you're okay with stepping back from the relationship and just realising that you weren't as close as you thought, then don't worry about it.

If you feel the need to do some sort of confrontation, you could message that you were happy to see that X was bringing her child so obviously the child ban had been lifted and that you were confirming your child could now attend (so DP could as well). This way she either has to say "no that was a special circumstance" which definitely shows where you stand, or says "oh yes. Sorry I forgot to let you know".

Up to you though. "Child free" rarely works because someone ALWAYS has an issue and others just feel bitter when they see special allowances were made. Weddings are basically bullshit to be honest because they're nothing but politics and stress.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 12/07/2014 21:43

I totally agree with crapbag

Also, how certain are you that this little girl has been invited? It sounds like something you have heard from another relative, could there be a misunderstanding?

CrapBag · 12/07/2014 21:45

Given your latest post I would say she feels like she couldnt say that your dd could come but your ds can't. Because then your would feel hurt about that and people would be talking about her saying how could she invite one and not the other. She can't win.

You either suck it up and celebrate her day with her, pout and refuse to go and damage your close relationship with her or speak to her calmly mentioning your nan has said about this other child going and see what she says.

Pico2 · 12/07/2014 21:46

I'd go via parents to find out what the issue is. I am sure some people will feel that it isn't right not to deal with it yourself, but sometimes it is easier to get to things indirectly.

XiCi · 12/07/2014 21:47

I agree that you should just call her. If you are as close as you say you are you really should be able to talk about this. Is it possible that she thinks she couldn't invite your dd without your ds and just can't face a 2 year old running around disrupting things?

Just pick up the phone and find out

Yama · 12/07/2014 21:48

Well, I don't have any cousins so I can't profess to know how you feel.

I do think YANBU in not wanting to attend though. The hurt you are feeling I am guessing is on your dd's behalf. I think I would decline stating childcare reasons.

dontknowwhat2callmyself · 12/07/2014 21:49

I agree with another poster - It would be awkward to invite your Dd and exclude your Ds - it surely has to be both or neither.

maggiethemagpie · 12/07/2014 21:51

I'd have to find out. I'd be tempted to call her and be honest, say 'I've heard so and so's child was invited, thought it was a child free wedding, have you decided to relax that rule' and see what she says. She must know you'll find out at some point, if she doesn't know you already have. You can ask in a non confrontational way. But if you don't ask, you'll be inwardly seething whether you go to the wedding or not and it'll just fester.

hoobypickypicky · 12/07/2014 21:54

"I am not a mad mother who thinks her children are angles"

Mine aren't angles either but they are awkward shaped!

I think pps might be on to something about not wanting to invite just one of your DC. That I can understand - my first DC was very well behaved in company, my second a nightmare no matter how hard I tried!

BolshierAyraStark · 12/07/2014 21:56

Have an actual conversation with her & if you don't agree with whatever explanation she gives then say so. I have to agree though that it's probably your younger child which is the issue.

RubyrooUK · 12/07/2014 21:56

I think you're reading a lot into it because of what you mentioned in your last post - the fear that your children are somehow less important to her as they are adopted.

I'd give her a call. Ask how the wedding is going and say you heard X was going. Ask if they've decided to have kids there now as your DH would have loved to come, you only declined because of childcare.

If you have RSVPd saying you are coming, I'd assume you were ok with it and possibly even looking forward to a child-free night out (a friend of ours left his wife at home for our wedding as they couldn't get a babysitter and rather than both coming with the DC, he came to have a great time drinking responsibility-free with friends).

Hope it all works out for you....

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