Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To not want to attend cousins wedding

45 replies

JammieMummy · 12/07/2014 21:07

My cousin, who I have always seen as more than family and more like a good friend, is getting married this year. When we were first talking about the wedding she told me that no children were invited except for her niece and nephew. This caused me major problems as I have literally no one to babysit (all of them were going to the wedding) but I was really supportive, didn't mention my personal issues at all and just thought that it was her big day so she should have whatever she wants.

I searched everywhere and still couldn't find a babysitter so sent her a lovely message saying that I would be coming to the wedding alone as my DH was going to have to stay home to look after the children (DH was invited). That I was really looking forward to it etc. I received no reply at all, which I was a bit upset about as I had really put myself out and if I am being totally honest really didn't want to go to a family wedding where everyone else has partners there and I was on my own.

So fast forward to a few days ago when I find out another family member (who has absolutely no childcare issues) is bring their 5 year old DD (same age and just as we'll behaved as my child). Not only are they bringing her but she was specifically invited.

I know it sounds silly but I feel so upset and hurt. My cousin knows the issues I have had, she is my daughters godmother and knows I will be coming alone (which I find really hard). Yet she can invite this other child (and I am sure she has invited others I just don't know about it yet) and not my daughter who loves her and is close to her. I now want to write her a short letter explaining that I know about the situation and that I just don't feel able to attend the wedding, as she doesn't seem to value my little family. The only thing that is stopping me is that I don't want to hurt her or mar her big day at all because as hurt as I am she is still family and her wedding day is her big day.

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 12/07/2014 22:04

I'm all for a child free wedding but I can see you are quite hurt by this.... I can only imagine their is some reason that other child has been invited. Seems a little odd as your dd is her gd. Maybe she doesn't really want your ds to attend....

Pick up the phone for sure. You sound close.... I'm sure she would hate to think you were upset.

Original poster

JammieMummy · 12/07/2014 22:09

Thank you all for your responses. I can see what you mean about it being about DS and not DD. I would have liked to think she would be able to tell me that, I am not precious about him I am well aware of his...foibles! But can also see that it must be a difficult conversation to with anyone.

I don't like phones but think I will arrange a meet up for tea or coffee and see where the conversation takes us. Like I say I would not be asking for an invite for her I just want to feel comfortable with the situation.

This is why I ask mumsnetters for advice, because sometimes you need some outside perspective. Thank you all

OP posts:

Scholes34 · 12/07/2014 22:17

It seems obvious that your DS is the"problem" here. His whirlwindiness sounds like it makes him one child too many at a child-free wedding.

Only1scoop · 12/07/2014 22:18

Do it soon Op then you can relax about it. Over a cuppa sounds good. Good luck

NellyNoodle1 · 12/07/2014 22:20

I'm all for child-free weddings too and can see you're being reasonable saying you understand the rules etc (it drives me insane when people say they are doing to ask if just their angel can go etc) and I do believe 'her wedding her rules' as someone who has decided not to go ahead with hers due to politics. I do feel however that this doesn't mean the bride can be a complete bitch and not expect trouble - if it's no children it's no children. You can't invite based on who puts most pressure on or who is likely to behave or not. You are asking for bad feeling.

I wouldn't bother getting upset - I would go as planned without your DH and DC and smile and wave and check out the situation. I wouldn't be able to help having a later dig though if it turns out that there were 'selective' children there. I would just have to have a clever quip ready to let them know you saw what was done and noticed - id do this when all the fuss had died down some time later. I would then let it go. Kind of.

FFSFFS · 12/07/2014 22:20

I agree that it is different for the other little girl as she, presumably, doesn't have siblings. It is understandable that your cousin doesn't want two year old whirlwinds at the wedding so it follows that she didn't invite your kids.

Also, she may not realise that you don't want to go to the wedding without your DH, after-all it is a family wedding so surely you are going to be with your extended family
If I were you, I wouldn't say anything and I would just go to the wedding and have a blast . Your DH can have a special dad and kids day and you can have a lovely kids free day.

It might be nice if you could ask your cousin and her DH to do something with you and your family after the wedding to celebrate. Perhaps you could go for an afternoon tea where your DD could get dressed up.

Iconfuseus · 12/07/2014 22:26

It could be a genuine mistake.

I'd planned to have a no children wedding because our venue wasn't really child friendly and I was worried it would be boring.

My husband then told a good friend of his he could bring his children. It must have looked a bit weird to his cousins, whose children had not been invited. I managed to get word back to them about what had happened and they are pretty chilled out people anyway so it didn't matter in the end.

No insult was intended it was just a mix up. I wonder if your cousin is in a similar situation?

lljkk · 12/07/2014 22:32

wait... OP badly doesn't want to go without her DH but OP admits she wouldn't want to take her whirlwind DS and since OP has no babysitter DH couldn't go anyway because of the whirlwind.

so it doesn't matter whether the well-behaved 5yo DD is invited, right? That makes no difference about whether OP's DH can go.

ps: I hate all this pussy-footing around. If you decline now the cousin will wonder what the heck is going on & maybe get completely wrong idea. Better to ring & ask her straight out if you can bring your well-behaved child too since X has now been invited. And explain you'd be lonely without company. If she is a good friend she should understand why you'd feel like that.

Original poster

JammieMummy · 12/07/2014 22:44

Lljkk I did not say (or if I said it I did not mean) I didn't want to take DS to the wedding. I thought I said he was a whirlwind but that I would have ensured he was under control, I can understand others not necessarily wanting him there though. You are right in that it makes no difference if one or neither of the children are invited as DH would still have to look after them, but I am not trying to get her invited just understand the situation. I have accepted that if I go it is on my own, although it is likely I will go after listening to everyone here.

OP posts:

Loopylala7 · 12/07/2014 22:51

If you are going to front her, don't do it by letter - just like texts these can be really taken the wrong way & she could get very defensive. I would do it in person as she may have a very good reason which she hasn't shared & could be upset by your reaction. Maybe ask for an explanation as to why some children are invited whilst others are not. It is a bit silly though, all in, or all out really BUT weddings are political minefields

CrapBag · 12/07/2014 22:51

Sorry, i managed to completely miss the fact that they are adopted. I am sure that has nothing to do with this at all and your feelings about it are just coming from the other family who do see your dcs as 'not part of the family' (which is shitty). I bet its about her not wanting a 2 year old there. Hope you get it resolved (amicably, the fallout from my wedding with my cousin never recovered and I can't stand her to this day).

Loopylala7 · 12/07/2014 22:56

Just read the bit about having a quip and a sarcy comment ready for the day. Please rise above it, ultimately wouldn't it make you feel worse if you thought you had managed to upset the bride and groom on their wedding day because you didn't agree with their decision?

Original poster

JammieMummy · 12/07/2014 22:59

Don't worry Loopy if I go I would not do anything at all to upset their day. If I decide to go it will be with good grace and to celebrate their day with them. If I can't rise above the situation then I won't go but I also wouldn't do anything to upset them either before or after.

OP posts:

Purplepoodle · 12/07/2014 23:05

I would just send her a text saying that you heard that x is bringing her daughter to the wedding, could you bring your ds

VSeth · 13/07/2014 09:11

How about just asking her if you DD can have your husbands place? And husband is staying home to look after toddler?

Toddler at wedding is hard work but your cousin couldn't have invited just your DD.

NellyNoodle1 · 13/07/2014 09:37

I didn't say have a quip ready for the day if you read properly - I said I would go to the wedding and dids out the real situation and them say something much later. Trouble is 'rise above it' is often code for be a wimp and fume inside without saying anything and the same people get away with bad behaviour time after time.

Loopylala7 · 13/07/2014 22:16

Nelly, I see what you're saying, but is it really bad behaviour to have your wedding the way you want it?

I think its fine to ask your cousin (before the day) is there a reason for one child to go and not others? but to respect that ultimately this is their day, and you either accept their decision and go on their terms, or you say sorry it's too difficult for me to find child care and don't go.

inlectorecumbit · 13/07/2014 22:24

As a child my Dsis and were excluded from 2 "family" weddings as we were adopted--and not real family
My DM and DF refused to go to either wedding

ApocalypseThen · 13/07/2014 22:44

I have heard of a situation at a child free wedding where someone was doing a particular favour for the bride and groom, but would have had to attend the wedding without husband and child since it was a child free event. Obviously, that was the child at the child-free wedding.

So you know, there can be all kinds of reasons.

meganorks · 14/07/2014 06:15

But if you have never said anything about the situation being difficult for you and you would like to bring the kids how would she know? Maybe the other guest did and so she has said their kid can come - ie wouldn't be able to attend as no childcare.
No kids in our case was because we couldn't invite all and seemed odd to pick and choose. And I know most of my friends would rather ditch them and come along and relax. But if anyone had said to me they couldn't come as no childcare then I would have invited child.
If you are really close I don't know why you haven't just spoken to her.

Flip

1 2