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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and child care

36 replies

MyFavouriteWordIsDazzle · 12/07/2014 18:55

Since they were small babies, MIL has regularly looked after her neighbour's two children.

She's never looked after our two children (DD and DSD).

The one time DP tentatively asked if she'd like to come to ours one morning a week to look after our youngest DD so I could do this thing, she threw up so many barriers we quickly got the message.

Yet today I was subjected to very long story about how she'd looked after NDN's kids so the mum could do exactly the thing I wanted to do when we asked her to look after DD.

She lives 45 mins away but regularly makes the journey to see DP and the girls (and by default, me). She's the only family or potential help we have within 200 miles.

I realise it's her time to spend as she pleases and is under no obligation to look after the kids. But AIBU to be miffed and a little envious of the stories about all the childcare she does for NDN?

OP posts:
playftseforme · 12/07/2014 18:58

Is it a payment issue? Does she get paid by the NDN? Would you be expecting to chilldmind for free?

Original poster
MyFavouriteWordIsDazzle · 12/07/2014 19:00

No, NDN doesn't pay her.

OP posts:
MagpieMama · 12/07/2014 19:02

YANBU
It sounds quite strange, could it be the distance? I know you said she travels for visits but maybe she thinks it's too far for regular childcare?

Original poster
MyFavouriteWordIsDazzle · 12/07/2014 19:02

I sort of feel like it's fine if she just doesn't want to. I can understand.

But I'd then rather not hear, at length, how she's doing so much with the NDN's kids.

Tbh I wish I had the sort of support she gives to NDN, so it grates.

OP posts:
Youoryou · 12/07/2014 19:05

Her choice has to be respected

Onesleeptillwembley · 12/07/2014 19:05

45 minutes is a long time to travel opposed to next door.

Are your children well behaved? It could have a bearing.

playftseforme · 12/07/2014 19:06

Maybe she feels that it would be difficult to back out of the arrangement with the NDN if it has been going on for some time? But I don't think YABU

ForTheLoveOfSocks · 12/07/2014 19:06

Tell her. I would say if you don't want to look after you own GC then I don't want to hear about how you support your bloody NDN!

pillowaddict · 12/07/2014 19:20

There is a bit of a difference between a next door neighbour and a 45 min journey, would you or DH have dropped your dd off with her? If so yanbu to be upset. I would be hurt too, and would likely make a comment such as "I wish we had neighbours or someone who could offer us that kind of support MIL. Your NDN is so lucky to have you. I would have loved to do that when dd was small". Ultimately it's her choice but it seems insensitive to go on about the childcare she provides elsewhere in front of her family and grandchildren.

Birdsgottafly · 12/07/2014 19:22

I think it's fine to tell her that you don't want to hear about her babysitting.

However, doing favours for neighbours pays off.

My Mum used to be her streets Pet feeder, occasional baby sitter (she was the local Lolly Pop Lady, so trusted), parcel taker in etc.

Now she has little mobility, her neighbours will help her, if needed.

They have been willing to go with her to hospital etc.

It takes some worry away, now she is elderly and in poor health.

whatever5 · 12/07/2014 21:42

She probably doesn't look after her neighbour's children as much as you think (whatever she says) and I bet her neighbour does or will do things for your MIL in return.

CanaryYellow · 12/07/2014 21:48

It's a big ask, wanting someone to do a 90 minute round trip to cover child care for one morning.

Do you and your DH regularly pop over to hers to do favours for her?

Pinkrose1 · 12/07/2014 21:58

It never fails to surprise me that DM/DMILs are expected to be free childminders. The neighbour issue is probably reciprocal in some way. And you expect her to travel 90 minutes for the privilege of free babysitting? Maybe she's an adult with her own interests and priorities and able to make her own choices. She was just chatting about her day. Were you doing the same? But she has a taboo subject Confused

Calypoppy · 13/07/2014 02:32

her

Calypoppy · 13/07/2014 02:32

ar

Calypoppy · 13/07/2014 02:34

sorry... her neighbour lives next door, you live 45 minutes away so a 1.5 hour trip in total for her. have you considered making the 45 minutes trip up to hers so she doesn't have to go out of her way?

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 13/07/2014 10:17

Forthelove is right, she is insensitive to talk about assisting her neighbour in this situation ( or any IMHO).

I think GPs SHOULD help out. My DPS are just not interested in my ds and never have been. Their lack of interest is deeply hurtful to me, childcare is not really the issue for me. In this situation she is choosing her neighbours dc over her own GC and that's very sad.

I've told my dps that the subject of being tired because they are 'helping' with dsis's foster dc is strictly off limits. I'm very much at the point of you reap what you sow. If they aren't going to help when I've been in hospital and on bed rest four two weeks, it's never going to happen. Ds (7) has been doing family trees in school. He asked me if they were dead last week.

45 mins isn't that far. My commute to work is generally 1 1\2 to 2 hours one way.

gobbynorthernbird · 13/07/2014 10:26

Sorry, did I miss the part where OP says she'll pay for the childcare? Or that DGM never bothers with the DC? Unless I did, it seems that OP is expecting a lot and dismissing what DGM does do. You don't want a grandparent, OP. You want a professional childminder.

CwtchesAndCuddles · 13/07/2014 10:40

There is a huge difference between her having to travel to your home to babysit and looking after the kids next door.
Does she look after tham at her house? How old are they?

I moved to be closer to my parents, we used to be 30 minutes drive away and I used to feel I was putting them out when asking them to come to ours if needed to look after the children. Now that we are 2 mins walk away and opposite the kids school it isn't an issue if I need them to do a pick up and the kids have a second home (which is encouraged by my parents).
Mum always finds it easier to have the kids at her house as she can just get on with her normal everyday routine, washing cooking etc

Marcelinewhyareyousomean · 13/07/2014 11:22

"she has never looked after dd and DSD".

She has proxy, convenient GC next door.

HermioneWeasley · 13/07/2014 11:37

OP, I think you're getting a harsh time. No, she is under no obligation to provide Childcare for you, but it is insensitive knowing that you have no other support to talk about what she does for NDN.

Equally, you are under no obligation to help her when she needs it either.

Scholes34 · 13/07/2014 11:42

Have you asked whether she'd look after her grandchildren if you brought them over to her?

BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 13/07/2014 11:44

Like others - did you offer to drop your DD at hers, or meet her at a cafe half way, or have her stay all day that day?

It also might be that she has a commitment on Tuesdays, if Tuesday morning was what you wanted.

When she comes to stay, does she babysit?

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 13/07/2014 12:27

Do we secretly share a MIL?!

Mine is very heavily involved in childcare for the next door neighbour's child. She'll do anything for anyone, but she exists in her own little bubble which only extends to her immediate area. She drives (and we don't) and we're only a fifteen minute drive away, but not in her 'bubble'. It's like she genuinely forgets we exist because she gets so wrapped up in people who immediately surround her.

I wonder if your MIL is similar?

SomeSortOfDeliciousBiscuit · 13/07/2014 12:27

Sorry, that should have said she'll do anything for anyone, as long as they're in her 'bubble'.