MIL and child care

[MyFavouriteWordIsDazzle]

Since they were small babies, MIL has regularly looked after her neighbour's two children.

She's never looked after our two children (DD and DSD).

The one time DP tentatively asked if she'd like to come to ours one morning a week to look after our youngest DD so I could do this thing, she threw up so many barriers we quickly got the message.

Yet today I was subjected to very long story about how she'd looked after NDN's kids so the mum could do exactly the thing I wanted to do when we asked her to look after DD.

She lives 45 mins away but regularly makes the journey to see DP and the girls (and by default, me). She's the only family or potential help we have within 200 miles.

I realise it's her time to spend as she pleases and is under no obligation to look after the kids. But AIBU to be miffed and a little envious of the stories about all the childcare she does for NDN?

I'd be annoyed that her own GC seemed like an inconvenience.

However, maybe she can't escape the NDN children? She can't exactly lie and say she's going out when they can blatantly see that she's at home, maybe they put on her a lot and she doesn't want to upset them by saying no. Perhaps she hasn't communicated this to you incase you encourage her to say something and it makes her life with the neighbours difficult? She could be exhausted from looking after them so feels that she can't agree to watching her GC incase it ends up being more than one morning per week.

Not an excuse but maybe she's not very good at saying no, she hasn't exactly said no directly to you but she has made excuses which suggests she's not very good at being direct. You should probably talk to her about it.

I would be miffed too, but I wonder if its a case of her wanting to be a fun happy grannie for your kids, rather than having to discipline them etc if she did a regular slot with them?

I would be really upset, but you have to remember it has nothing to do with your kids. Its just her choice.

I have a sort of opposite situation, but the same end result. We are temporarily living with my MIL. I get zero childcare. Not even 10 mins to sit and enjoy a cup of tea, which with 2 toddlers is what i crave. SIL lives 30 mins drive away and gets loads of childcare. Her 3 kids are always staying here and MIL bends over backwardsfor her. Basically she wants to help her own daughter, but not her DIL. Her choice. I don't feel entitled to her childcare at all, but i will remember her choices.

OP, I feel your pain.

My MIL offers to take DS to X, Y, Z place on specific dates, then conveniently forgets all about it when we ring the day before/week beforehand to confirm plans. Then huffs and puffs as if we're putting her out. Argh!

What no one seems to think a possibility is that DM actually loves these NDNs children. She has cared for them from babies and looks after them regularly. She clearly has a deep affection for them so why should she not speak about them? Would the OP opt to censure any talk of her own children in DMs presence? Course not , ridiculous to suggest DM has to gag herself!

You say she regularly makes the trip to see you but do you regularly make the trip to her? If I lived 45 min from my kids and they wanted me to do childcare I'd expect them to be dropping off and picking up the kids at my house. They may find that for a 1 1/2 hour trip twice a day it's not worth it though. Next door sounds much more convenient.

Or maybe she wants you to know she prefers other people's children to yours, and is even exaggerating the amount of care she takes of them to wind you up. Horrible people like this do exist, but I don't know whether your MIL may be one of them.

I think YABU purely because of the distance, my Mum looked after dd1 when I went back to work, we lived 30 minutes drive away and I would always drop her off in the morning and pick her up on the way home.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here too ... particularly as (unless I've missed it) you've not said that you wouldn't pay her and/or contribute to petrol.

And while most of us understand there's no obligation upon grandparents to offer childcare, it DOES bloody well hurt when they do it for others.

I had a similar(ish) situation whereby my mum looked after my sister's two children for about 12 hours a week (plus lots of weekend babysitting to facilitate my sister's social life) over a period of about 8 years. I never expected my mum to do the same for me - just got on with it and arranged the childcare I needed. However, over 12 years or so when I still needed childcare for my one child there were probably 6 or 7 separate occasions when my arrangements broke down for different reasons and I genuinely needed some emergency help. My mum fobbed me off with ridiculous and not insurmountable excuses like having her hair done or lunch with a friend (she saw twice a week) and never helped even once. I'm afraid that I'm human and I still feel very angry and let down by her - especially as my sister was in a far better position than me financially and worked part time, not full time as I did. In the absence of any other extenuating factors like horribly behaved kids or extreme distance etc., it's pretty natural to feel hurt.

I think it's sad when parents won't help out in an emergency, or when one child gets help and the other doesn't. If I do do any childcare as a grandparent I would expect it to be at my house usually so I can get on with my other stuff as well. I'd want to be more child minder than nanny substitute.
I'd hate having to hang around someone else's house all day. If babysitting overnight I'd expect the kids to be brought to my house as well.
The person needing the favour should be the one doing the running around.