AIBU to be annoyed at 'girl' judging our family dynamics.

[madchocolatemum48]

A group of friends of a neighbour and I were chatting at a party over the weekend.
We were getting acquainted with the usual "What do you do?" "How many children?".......etc etc.
I said dh & i have been married nearly 20 years, 2 children, I'm a SAHM. Ended with saying "You know, the usual traditional family"
A young woman who had already stated she had 3 kids by 3 fathers, never married, pipes up " Fuc#ing hell, didn't know people still did that old b¤llsh!t stuff"

Is it 'old-fashioned' to be a traditional family now? Maybe she just made me feel old, but I wouldn't have made a derogatory comment about her family dynamics.

Tbh either ignore as she's showing her upbringing, or say well whoredom wasn't on our school curriculum. See you got an A + tho

So she is a whore for being a unmarried mother of three? Or is it that they all have different fathers?

Perhaps you need reminding of the meaning of whore

whore
1.
a prostitute

Happyagain just waiting for the day you wickedly get the response "six feet under"

This happens to me a lot. Conversation usually goes:
I am sue, this is jack and two kids
I am liz and this is ben
Where is your husband
In a box six feet under last I looked

I feel a bit strange about the vitriol aimed at the OP. The young woman was very rude indeed to talk about ' not believing that bullshit' these days'. I have been married 3 times , divorced once, widowed once and happily remarried. Dh and I have 5 dc between us. In a situation where we don't know people very well we say,"We are married and have five children".
I was once in a situation where I introduced my dh and someone said , "Oh where's D (late dh)?" My reply was, "Dead!" That was a bit of a coversation stopper but I was taken aback to be asked.

I used to have a friend who was always annoyed at people for saying things which upset her. We went to a vegan potluck once and the organiser told a tale of going to another country and buying some tofu which had cheese in, when we left the meal my friend went into a long angry rant about how the organiser should not have said that as she eats cheese and it made her feel bad and judged. I assume my friend has cloned herself and her clones are posting on this thread. Just because someone says something about their own life it does not mean they are attacking or judging someone else's life. Why one would want to go through life thinking they are is beyond me.

Don't forget Hellin's doner that gave us Wonder Boy HavantGuard!

What's good for Ambridge...

But calling her a 'girl' in this context, particularly the way she's put it with the speech marks, and explaining that it's because she's in her early 20s, is very offensive, and intended as such - this isn't saying 'night out with the girls' etc, it's saying 'she is below me. I am a woman and she is a girl', and just adds to the idea that OP was smug when she said about the 'usual traditional family'.

In terms of language used "Oh you know, the boring 2.4!" would be self deprecating. "Usual, traditional" sounds like you look down on anyone who doesnt have that set up

Or as they were apparently getting acquainted, talking about what they do "Y is a brain surgeon, I'm a stay at home mum and we have 2.4 children"
I've never in my life heard anyone say what OP did

I got judged by a chavvy little gangsta-rap bitch that I had to work with once, I lived at home with parents at the time, when she had got her own council flat (so apparently people should respect her for being independent), but is was never able to say judgemental things to her, would have been thought really rude.

Perish the thought.

chavvy little gangsta-rap bitch

Can't imagine why she didn't take to you.

she was probably feeling defensive and a bit envious. To admit it out loud would probably be considered too pc these days, but it's the goal isn't it (when you have kids).. two married parents, everyone with the same surname, no messy access arrangements with numerous non resident fathers? Of course life doesn't always work out peachy like that, but there's a gold standard for everything. I do think the 'you know, the usual traditional family' comment was a bit arsey and I'm always very conscious of what I say in company, not wanting to upset anyone.

Op as a single mother, I will say that you didn't sound judgemental. I can't stand it when people can't come to terms with their own situations and want to project.
And I hate twenty odd year old women referred to as "girls", but I do find that even on Mumsnet, people are VERY sometime-ish about using it. (i.e when doing a "poor diddums" when referring to bad things that a grown arsed, post teen has made and a pissed off parent wants support ).
Op, you are not responsible for the demons that that grown woman is carrying.
Like we all don't know what "non traditional" means. Equality rights have been fought about prejudice and discrimination that people who do not fall into the "traditional" remit.
Now if you had said the word "normal" then I think that you would have deserved what you got.
Too much wanting the pudding and wanting to eat it at the same time, mehtinks. Or just plain paranoia. YANBU

Also a single mother and not prone to taking offence at all but if someone had told me in response to finding out I was a single parent, that they were the "usual traditional" family then I would

And I chose to be a single parent so have not one teeny tiny chip in evidence at all and am not projecting even a teensy bit.

I wouldn't personally have been rude because that's not my way but probably would not have been able to resist a mild "Oh how nice for you".

And the use of "girl" for a grown woman who is a stranger and the mother of children is an obvious attempt to put her in her place. Just as using Boy for a man in his 20's who has children. Either the OP is quite clever in her use of language to put people down (though obviously not quite up to dealing with the blow back when its done to someone who doesn't take that kind of shit!) or is a bit lacking in wits when its comes to use of language. In which case I'd forgive her for being a bit dim.

I am late here but agree with all who think the use of 'girl' speaks volumes about OP's attitude!

My first thought was why is this person a 'girl' she either is a girl or isn't, it apprears that she is actually a grown woman which the OP knows full well hence the commas.

If I was to describe anyone as a 'girl' I would either be genuinely unsure as to their true gender and just be wanting to make clear who I meant OR I would be trying to patronize that person because I felt infinitely superior and smug in comparison to them. OP seems very insecure to feel the need to do this to someone, its only natural they bit back.

I hate the word girl being used as a derogatory term ( I knew a proud self defined committed feminist who used 'girl' as an insult which I found extremely aggravating). There is nothing bloody wrong with girls and it is deeply sexist to use it as an insult.
I also recognise that when an individual is angry with another individual it is quite common to bring in irrelevant details about that person to 'insult' them with, their age (grumpy old trout), attractiveness, weight, whether they wear glasses, their class, what part of the country they come from ( northern / southern git). It is not good or right that people do this but it is very, very common. Honesty, I am sure, would compel most if not all of us to have said or thought like this at some point.
So I think the criticism of OP on this front is a bit unfair and overanalysing something which is very common, even if not attractive.

How is saying 'the usual traditional family thing' a dig?! Being married, having kids and being a SAHM IS a traditional family set up.
Or are you not supposed to broadcast the fact that you're a traditional family in case you get someone saying 'old fashioned bullshit?!'
You wouldn't make such an offensive dig at a single parent who hasn't got a clue who the dad is or 5 kids by 5 different dads, would you?!
Nothing wrong with having a traditional family set up and being so called 'old fashioned.'

What you call traditional isn't the historical norm,it is in fact v recent phenomena
The term is value laden,obvious inference us it has moral superiority and longitude
Whereas the girl is untraditional,and deviating from a perceived norm

LookNow I like that. I'm saving up something similar for when I'm asked where my husband is.

"In the sitting room"

No there's no one in there. I had a look.

Yes, he's there. In a jar on the sideboard"

2 years ago I probably would have said traditional family. But after a friend lost her husband, I am acutely aware she is a single parent and how much she would love to be back to how life was.

You can't ever know someone's circumstances. Hence why you shouldn't judge and think before your speak.

Actually there is quite a lot wrong with the traditional family".

It's a shit set up for women for a start.

It's very hard for sahms to escape abuse for example.

How is saying 'the usual traditional family thing' a dig?! Being married, having kids and being a SAHM IS a traditional family set up

It's a bloody odd turn of phrase to introduce into general chitchat at a BBQ.

A possible inference is not an obvious inference scottish mummy. I wouldn't have made that inference.

I'd have thought it was extremely unusual to be a stay at home mother if you'd been married twenty years. Unless you'd been together a long time before starting your family, your children would be at secondary school or at college or at working. Of course it might be that a) you had married someone with a high salary and b) you had little ambition or inclination to have a job or career of your own. But these things are not 'usual' in the UK today. (They may however seem usual to people whose perspective on life is rather restricted.) Perhaps it would be more accurate to say, 'I'm doing a privileged 21st century take on patriarchal Victorian bourgeois tradition'.

Marianne, or maybe it would be more accurate to say, 'I have been lucky enough to live my life as I chose and dedicate it to my family. People who sneer at this have fallen for the patriarchal line that work imagined as 'women's work' is of low value. They also don't truly believe women should have free choice to live life as they please and are able by circumstance.'
And no I am not a sahm and yes I am a feminist.