To think that this so called 'friend' is actually a bit of a user?

[ziggiestardust]

This is long, but I feel like once I get it written down then it's out there and I can start to feel better.

I made friends with a girl who moved to our area and didn't know anyone. She seemed really sweet, and she was pregnant at the time and my age, so we got chatting. After she had her DD she reached out to me because she knew I'd had PND with my DC and she said she was struggling. Her DH was in the forces and away a lot, so she was on her own also.

We became more friendly and I used to help her out with her DD, bring her cooked meals, do her food shopping sometimes when they were struggling financially, introduced her to my friends, and just generally was there for her. There was also a situation where she was being harassed severely by another woman, and I physically stood up to her and called the police for her and encouraged her to make a statement. I was just really there for her and after she came through her tough patch, we remained really friendly and texted and met up all the time, just us and in our group.

However, I announced that I was moving away at Christmas. She suddenly stopped returning my calls and turned down my invites out. I didn't push the matter and just left her to it, thinking she'd come to me if she needed me. Also; it was Christmas; everyone is busy! For Christmas, I bought her and her DD tickets to Peppa Pig for the summer. She never mentioned having received them, but tbh I was so busy with finding a job and getting a new house, I didn't chase it up.

Between then and the move I got a few messages saying we should meet up, then always cancelling last minute; including my birthday.

When I moved, a few weeks later she tagged herself in at the Peppa Pig show and put up photos. I liked the photos, and then the next day she removed me from Facebook.

I texted her to tell her I'd seen she'd removed me from Facebook, and was there anything she wanted to talk about? I got nothing. I relayed to other friends back home how upset I was about it.

Today I got a message from her. In it, she said that she'd heard I was upset about the whole thing, and she was sorry but there was no point in being friends now I'd moved (even though I've booked flights with DH and DS to go and visit!) I have other friends and family there!) and that she'd made new friends and I should respect her choice.

I just feel so... Down about it. Down on myself. I thought we were super close and I counted her among my nearest and dearest. I feel stupid to have judged someone so badly, and I don't know how to behave when I go back if I bump into her. I'm really hurt.

I'm sorry - this has happened to me before too. She's clearly shown that you was using you. Forget about her. It's a shame but be slightly more cautious in future. You sound lovely - save yourself for people who really appreciate you.

Forget this 'I'm here for you if you want me' stuff that's being suggested. She has been rude and thoughtless. I don't care if she did 'feel abandoned' it's not an excuse for poor behaviour. And in this day and age it's easier than ever to keep someone as a long distance friend so the deleting from Facebook does feel like a childish attempt at a snub.

I would either not reply at all, or reply saying 'I thought you were more mature than that. Obviously I was wrong.'

She's a horribly using person with no manners or idea how to treat friends, Ziggie. You've not really lost a friend, she wasn't one really. She's decided that your move means that you don't fit in with her plans now. That's utterly pathetic of her.

It feels like being 'dumped', I know, but as soon as you can, delete her texts and look at her objectively, at what she is.

Is the rest of your group in touch with her still?

She sounds like a twat and your feelings are very understandable - but it also sounds like she has a very different approach to friendships from you, and just can't grasp how a long-distance friendship would work. For her, you moving away = end of friendship. I don't think it's personal.

Yes I've deleted her texts and number; DH told me because otherwise I'd be looking at it and reading things into it that weren't there. And tbh, I don't want to drag it out and send her a catty text because even though I feel like it; it isn't who I am.

I think I've taken it harshly because I'm in a new place and I used to have a great social life; my house was the hub where everyone got together for wine etc. Now I don't know as many people although I have met a few lovely people, they've all got their own lives and priorities (obv) and I just feel a bit lonely and it feels quieter than I'm used to. I know it'll come with time. So I think I've taken it harder, and thought a bit more of it than usual.

But thank you everyone for validating how I feel... It beats DH's usual 'oh just forget about her, she's stupid...'

Doesn't sound like she is much of a friend. Once she realised you weren't going to be around to feed her, go shopping for her, buy her presents etc, she dropped you. Very hurtful and unpleasant.

You've moved location, Ziggie but remember that you're still the person you always were. You sound like a lovely friend to have. This former 'friend' of yours will have to always keep an eye out for the next friendship she can garner as once people get to know the real her, they will back away.

I do agree with your DH though - she's stupid! It's not easy to forget somebody's meanness though, especially if it's an alien concept to you.

[flower] for you, for your new home. and

..

Yes. Unfortunately she is a user.

I have friends in different countries. We keep in contact via Facebook and whenever we are in the others country we bend over backwards to make sure we meet up - even if it's only for an hour or so. For instance, I have a friend in San Fran who comes to the uk more than we go to the states. Last year she was over and the only time we could meet was on my sons last day of school - he breaks up at midday at the end of term. I picked him up and drove for 2 1/2 hours to meet up for the afternoon before driving back home in the rush hour. It would never occur to either if us to drop the friendship just because we live on different continents.

On the flip side I know of at least two "friends" who are only friendly when they want a childcare favour - never hear from them at any other time .

Seems like she's made her decision - no one should feel obliged to beg someone for their friendship - let her go you really don't need her.

OP that text must have been brutal to read.

I'm not in any way saying this Is the right thing to do because it certainly won't be for everyone but having felt let down/fucked over/manipulated by friends in the past I now just keep all of mine at arms length. Buy a small gift for birthdays, meet up for coffee but never get involved in their life.

Either she is devastated and one of those people who are incapable of dealing with their own emotions in a constructive way, OR she cut you because now that you have moved away you can no longer directly benefit her in the ways that you did when you were living close by.

I strongly suspect the latter scenario to be the case here. Good riddance.

Yeah what constable said.

ziggie, you sound the sort of friend who's one in a million and the woman behaved very very badly. She is ungrateful, rude and an out and out user. Were I you, I'd be SO tempted to send her a curt message to that effect, but it's obvious that you're a far bigger person than vengeful old me.

Other, more charitable MNs here have posited about her state of mind when you said you were leaving, etc. etc. To which I say, bollocks! However she felt when her kindly friend, who'd helped so much, even to the extend of buying her stuff when she was skint, and standing up to someone threatening her - she was bloody callous and hurtful to 'unfriend' you like that. It was deliberate, and meant to wound, of course it was.

Forget her - you had the misfortune to come across someone who really wasn't a true friend to you at all. You are obviously one in a million when it comes to a true and kind friend, and she didn't deserve you, did she? Try to forget the woman, but don't change from being the wonderful, nice person you so obviously are.

Well thanks

I was worried I might get flamed for being needy!

Nahh I think you're right to feel completely gutted. It will get better though. Definitely doesn't mean you're needy or being soft or whatever.

Hope you feel better soon Xx