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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that this so called 'friend' is actually a bit of a user?

65 replies

ziggiestardust · 12/07/2014 17:35

This is long, but I feel like once I get it written down then it's out there and I can start to feel better.

I made friends with a girl who moved to our area and didn't know anyone. She seemed really sweet, and she was pregnant at the time and my age, so we got chatting. After she had her DD she reached out to me because she knew I'd had PND with my DC and she said she was struggling. Her DH was in the forces and away a lot, so she was on her own also.

We became more friendly and I used to help her out with her DD, bring her cooked meals, do her food shopping sometimes when they were struggling financially, introduced her to my friends, and just generally was there for her. There was also a situation where she was being harassed severely by another woman, and I physically stood up to her and called the police for her and encouraged her to make a statement. I was just really there for her and after she came through her tough patch, we remained really friendly and texted and met up all the time, just us and in our group.

However, I announced that I was moving away at Christmas. She suddenly stopped returning my calls and turned down my invites out. I didn't push the matter and just left her to it, thinking she'd come to me if she needed me. Also; it was Christmas; everyone is busy! For Christmas, I bought her and her DD tickets to Peppa Pig for the summer. She never mentioned having received them, but tbh I was so busy with finding a job and getting a new house, I didn't chase it up.

Between then and the move I got a few messages saying we should meet up, then always cancelling last minute; including my birthday.

When I moved, a few weeks later she tagged herself in at the Peppa Pig show and put up photos. I liked the photos, and then the next day she removed me from Facebook.

I texted her to tell her I'd seen she'd removed me from Facebook, and was there anything she wanted to talk about? I got nothing. I relayed to other friends back home how upset I was about it.

Today I got a message from her. In it, she said that she'd heard I was upset about the whole thing, and she was sorry but there was no point in being friends now I'd moved (even though I've booked flights with DH and DS to go and visit!) I have other friends and family there!) and that she'd made new friends and I should respect her choice.

I just feel so... Down about it. Down on myself. I thought we were super close and I counted her among my nearest and dearest. I feel stupid to have judged someone so badly, and I don't know how to behave when I go back if I bump into her. I'm really hurt.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/07/2014 19:59

Sounds like it's tge friend who has the issues, if she cannot talk to you, and treats you like rubbish there is not a lot you can do. Just keep your self worth and move on!

kawliga · 12/07/2014 20:01

Ziggie you can read the text as a fucked up message from someone who thinks she has lost you anyway. You said her 'user' behaviour only started when you announced you were leaving.

Not saying you HAVE to be her friend, just saying that if you still WANT to be her friend then her crime is not unforgiveable.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/07/2014 20:20

The thing is the friend does not want to be op friend so there is nothing she can do. Mabey she could call her and speak to her instead of texting if she really wanted to find out what's really wrong. I think she is very down about op moving and very upset about it.

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 12/07/2014 20:24

I just kind of feel like it passes the buck onto me again. Like 'well if you were a better person, you'd forgive her totally ditching you because she thinks you're not worth pursuing a friendship with'...

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 12/07/2014 20:28

Ziggie it's up to you what you do. Does her behaviour sound out of character! It is ok just to leave it, let her know your always here and that's it!

kawliga · 12/07/2014 20:33

ziggie, I feel your pain and I think I'm really touched by your thread because I know somebody like your friend and I know she hurts herself more than she hurts the friends she ditches. I know she looks like a 'user' but she is not. And you sound like a good person.

No, the buck doesn't pass onto you again, you are free to leave her to it. You do not owe anybody a duty to be their friend if they are hurting you. She has to take responsibility for her own actions. It is sad all round, but not your fault at all.

HecatePropylaea · 12/07/2014 20:34

Is it possible that she felt abandoned by the fact of you moving away and she is angry with you? Even the bit about saying she's made new friends is reminiscent of a small child saying "I'm friends with Ann now, I don't need YOU" to cover up their hurt.

I am not saying it is reasonable or justified for her to feel this way

I think it's important to say that clearly Grin

I am just trying to put myself in her situation. She is vulnerable, alone, low, had a nasty situation with someone, came to lean on you - and then you move. In her mind, abandon her. Possibly spiralling into woe is me, everyone abandons me, the world is against me etc etc...

I am just trying to think of an alternative to 'horrible using cowbag who set out to take advantage'.

But, even if that is so, it doesn't make it your problem. it's not healthy and you are best off out of it. You've done nothing wrong, you were a good friend and you have the right to move! And she made a choice to behave the way she did. But I just wondered if you could see your way to feeling sorry for her, you might be able to better just put it in the past and not let it bother you.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/07/2014 20:41

I agree hecarte, she does not sound like a user but has got a shock that your moving away, and dies not know what to do. To save her hurt she is cutting you off. I think that it is all or nothing for her, she feels she cannot maintain a long distance friendship with you and has cut you off. She is probably devastated your moving, but does not know who to deal with it properly.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 12/07/2014 20:45

I would buy the whole idea that the friend was feeling somehow hurt and betrayed a lot better if op hadn't bought the tickets and sent them. This gesture really should have sent a message out that you fully intended to maintain the friendship.

If I were you, I would send a 'still want to be friends and the ball is in your court, will respect whatever you decide' type email and not hold your breath. I know things like this can start eating at you and I think the most helpful thing about the posts here is showing how this really is your friend's problem and will leave her ultimately worse off than you.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/07/2014 20:47

Her behaviour regarding tge tickets is not goo. Send her a brief message and leave the ball in her court

kawliga · 12/07/2014 20:52

What Hecate said. I especially like these wise words: "if you could see your way to feeling sorry for her, you might be able to better just put it in the past and not let it bother you."

Friendship breakups are painful Sad

cees · 12/07/2014 20:59

She is an asshole and not worth your head space.

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 12/07/2014 22:07

Thank you for all the responses. I feel better just for the validation tbh, and that I'm not over reacting in feeling upset about it. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
ziggiestardust · 12/07/2014 22:11

Sorry, posted too soon... Just meant to add that I'm sure it does happen and maybe it was a self preservation thing, but the facebooking of them at Peppa Pig and deleting me straight after felt a bit calculating.

OP posts:
BosomBunnies · 12/07/2014 22:37

Ziggie she is definitely the one who'll be missing out. You sound like a lovely thoughtful friend. I would be tempted to message something probably ranty but best keep it pleasant.

ThePinkOcelot · 12/07/2014 22:48

Kawliga, you are way off! I doubt very much that the OP is a glutton for punishment so why should she pursue this for more of the same?! Surely, you are not that much of a mug?!

maddening · 12/07/2014 22:51

You know what if you want to send that text and there are no mutual friendships and she has ended the friendship in this manner then why not send the text.

SomethingOnce · 12/07/2014 23:25

Could it be fear of abandonment driving her behaviour?

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 13/07/2014 08:34

I agree about the calculated feel about the tickets, ziggie. Very odd. Is she trying to punish you for moving away? Trying to test you to see if you want to keep the friendship? Or just being an arse?

Who knows! Feels like too much game playing by her for my liking.

SwiftRelease · 13/07/2014 08:44

May be unfair but You have to move on, takes 2 to tango and all that. Cant make someone be friends.

I had this, a v v close friend dropped me after years of friendship with no warning by text - missed my work leaving drinks saying she'd "drink a virtual toast to me" and then buggered off to the other side of the country. I was v deeply hurt (and still miss her, tbh) and thought at the time it was my fault. Probably was a little (i was weak and indecisive at the time, she'd heard enough probably) but mainly i now realise it was HER- i reminded her of a terrible time/place in her life which she wanted to shut the door on. She also was v pragmatic, shall we say, about friendship. I had outgrown my use!

Seriously, move on OP.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/07/2014 08:51

Too bad for her, you sound like a fantastic friend. Yes the Peppa Pig thing would hurt a lot, she enjoyed your gift, no acknowledgement or thanks, pistes pictures and deleted you. Nasty!

HermioneWeasley · 13/07/2014 08:51

OP, you sound lovely.

At best she is not coping with a painful situation well and for whatever reasons may never have learned what an adult-adult friendship is, but the FB nonsense does give it a less charitable angle.

YANBU to be pissed off and hurt, but I don't think there's anything to be done.

Original poster
ziggiestardust · 13/07/2014 09:20

I'm just gobsmacked tbh. Especially the text. It took her over a week to reply, which felt shitty too. I just feel like I've been picked up and dropped when it suits.

She clearly has found other friends, as she was tagged in a mutual acquaintance's status on a hen night last night.

OP posts:
deadduck · 13/07/2014 09:39

Well, you're nothing to lose, personally I would let her know that she's a heartless user. Maybe write her a letter. Nothing will come of it, but it might make you feel better. I'm sorry, that sort of behaviour is not on. Maybe she doesn't want to invest energy to maintain a long distance friendship, but to unfriend you on Facebook is totally uncalled for.

Aeroflotgirl · 13/07/2014 09:43

I agree deadduck, that does not give her tge right to treat op like shit. Happy to use her gift and enjoy, and treating op like that. When she was enjoying the gift courtesy of op, did she not think of the giver! Yes I would write her a letter of e mail, and send it!

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