To ask people not to bring gifts to my children's birthday party?

[Mmmicecream]

My 2 DCs will be turning 3 and 1, and we're having a joint party for them and inviting a number of people. I am thinking of asking people not to bring presents for the following reasons:

1. I don't want the guests to think they have to buy 2 presents
2. The DCs already have a lot of toys
3. I've been to some kids' parties recently where I've found the gift-opening part of the party almost grotesque in terms of the children getting into a materialistic grabby frenzy

We don't want anything else instead, so won't be asking for cash or anything like that. And of course if someone does still bring something they will be thanked and not made to feel bad about it.

IABU? If you got this request, would you think the sender is:

1. Weird?
2. Brave?
3. Silly?
4. Mean?
5. All of the above?

And if IANBU, what's a nice way to say that on the invite without resorting to a cheesy 'your presence is a present' type line?

I totally understand OP. I tried doing this one year but half the people still brought a little something and then the people who didn't felt bad.

We only have one DS, he got loads of presents from his 6 grandparents, many of my friends are on low income and he was only 3 so it seemed a no-brainer. But for some reason people seem really unnerved by the request.

I think if I try it again I will try to say no presents but if you really want to bring something, perhaps a copy of your child's favourite book -- can never have too many books plus I think it's nice for DS to see what his friends are reading.

People will bring presents anyway.
People will also think you are being a bit mean, that opening presents is a joy of childhood.
If you do this every year, your DCs will quickly realise that they don't get presents but everyone else does.

Put all presents to one side and open them when everyone has gone. Keep a proper record of who sent what and send Thank You cards/letters.
Put a few of the presents in the back of the wardrobe/loft/garage and save them for times when your DCs are bored and new toy/activity would be much appreciated.
It is OK to recycle presents.

Let people bring presents.

Let your dcs receive presents.

After the birthday (and all year round) you can teach your children about excess and about giving to charity. So you can collect the old toys and take them to a charity.

i always wonder if people will think me awful because of what i do about children's presents for parties.

i can't see any point in going and spending a small amount of money on toys as you just buy tat imo and i can't really know what children are into. what i do is either get them a massive box of chocolates or put some money in their card for them to put with other birthday money and use as they please.

i worry people think it's lazy or unimaginative of me but personally i don't want to inflict unchosen, unwanted crap into someone else's house.

addictedtosugar that's a great idea about kids being invited to one party or another, at the very least I'll do that. I like the book idea too dreaming - we tend to give books as presents, and they are nice to receive

I would personally be thrilled with that approach honeybadger!

I know kids love opening presents but when they get a bunch from family already (he's the first grandchild for everybody, they go a little nuts) I think it's fine not to do it with friends as well. When he's a bit older it will be different.

Not unreasonable at all but there's no way I would turn up empty handed to child's birthday party

I would be surprised but not offended if you asked for no presents. I would be unimpressed at the suggestion of a donation to charity. Your presence is present enough is fine if explained in an age-appropriate way. Tarquin doesn't need presents - he just wants to have a fun day with his friends, so please bear on mind we don't want guests to bring presents.

YANBU. I dont know though what you should put on the invites.

I don't think you are bring unreasonable, but I do feel a little sorry for the birthday children. Surely part of having a birthday party is receiving gifts?

I would feel terrible arriving at a child's birthday party without any form of gift.

"Obscene"? A big flurry of present opening from two tiny children? "Obscene"? What a strange choice of word.

OP I would think it was up to you if I got that request but tbh I have never really been in agreement with sensible grown up values being applied to small children as far as giving birthday gifts is concerned. It's their birthday not yours.

People will bring a gift, even if you suggest donations to a charity.

but half the people still brought a little something and then the people who didn't felt bad

This will happen, so you might as well relax into it, not issue instructions, and give most of them away afterwards.

I tried this years ago before I had heard of Mumsnet. I knew all the mums and we were all good friends and I had no worries about people thinking I was being superior or smug. However, it was a mistake because it just confused people. Some people bought presents and some didn't. It just ended up being a bit odd.

I only did it once.

Ps what is it with the nasty posts recently? ...and the irony of criticising someone for being smug in such a, umm, smug way is hilarious.

I wish we could hide posters.

You are not being unreasonable. Please however don't be all preachy/holier than thou/"make a donation to my chosen charity"/ snooty or rude to anyone who does take something (which you won't anyway)

Wording needs to be done with a light touch and for the moment I'm struggling to think of anything. As you say the your presence thing is cheesy;"we have too much stuff already" is a bit showy off.

BadLad slightly pompous but on the right track what about.

"Tarquin doesn't need presents - just a fun day with his friends"

But not all children have 4 grandparents and an army ofuncles and aunts, Godparents or a house full of 'plastic tut'. I like to give a present because every child deserves to have his own things and some children dont receive much.

I've never been to a party where the children open the presents... Is that a thing??

My friend asked for £1 in the card in lieu of presents for her toddler to put in his money bank and they went shopping for a little gift with his 'pennies' the next day

I've never been to a party where the children open the presents... Is that a thing??

We never did. They were always opened afterwards. And despite agreeing with the OP my son loved it even if it was plastic tat which got broken or lost.

I force mine to wait until afterwards so that I can write down who gave what and then I isually forget to do the thank you cards but I have been to parties where the birthday child has been in a frenzy of opening, and it does look a bit grabby IMHO.

Regifting is the key here OP (see above about writing down who gave what!)

Open them afterwards. Hide at least half, more if you like. (Even if your dc opened them they won't remember what they got). Put in a drawer or bag and use for stockings, tree gifts, every other kids' birthday. You just have to remember who gave what so you don't re gift to them.

And let your dc have a few things they'll love.

I would do exactly as you've said. I think some people would probably still bring a gift.

Don't ban gifts! Your kids will be crestfallen! Birthdays are a logistical struggle with finding places to put gifts but its only once a year. You cannot change the world, people will still bring presents and it will be confusing. Laquitar has the very sensible word on this.

YAbu.
Some ppl will bring a gift anyway which will mean those who don't will feel bad. And then you're setting the tone for all future parties, your dcs and others .
It's neither obscene nor grabby for children to rip open gift wrappings. It's adorable and exciting and part of being little.
If you don't want the party to be dominated by the gifts then have them open them later and sit with them to write the thank you notes.
I agree with a pp that it's ok to recycle stuff as you see fit.

Boxes of chocolates are underrated.