To think in teaching my dc's to be kind, thoughtful & respectful I'm doing them a disservice?

[weedinthepool]

I know it sounds bonkers but the past couple of months have shown me that constantly being selfless & doing the right thing gets you nowhere!

I'm a good person. I don't stand on insects & kill them, I help old ladies across the road, I pick up children who are crying, I give to charity, I work in a public sector job, I don't judge anyone as I feel if you haven't walked in their shoes you shouldn't, I recycle, I buy responsibly etc etc.

I'm not perfect by a long shot but I try to make good decisions and try to get my dc's to do the same.

I've been turned down for a second job in a month today, I've been told off by my mum & stbxh today about petty stuff re the dc's, a horrible man cut me up, I didn't respond and he gave me the finger and DS2's friend has thrown a temper tantrum at school about sports day and got the gold that DS2 was beaming about last night. I've just read a shitty email from my current boss because I took AL on Wednesday to prepare for my interview and 'wasn't there for a family in need whose child care has failed. All in all I'm feeling that if you act aggressive, sulky, bossy or dishonest enough you get what you want. All these people have actually seemed to enjoy putting me down today & I feel like I'm making a mistake with my parenting & the dc's are not actually learning to be good people but doormats! Aaarggh. Rant over. AIBU to start getting aggressive? I'd rather not as it doesn't cone naturally but if anyone can give me tips on being assertive but still a nice human being please do so before I turn into Scrooge.

I have to say IamSlave I love communication theory. I talk for a living and I learn something every time we get the communication people in. Last time I saw them, they were talking about passive aggression and how it relates to society's expectations about women.

In so many words, your choices as a compliant woman are passivity where you get nothing you want but the other person gets what they want and passive aggression where you might not get what you want or need but at least the other bastard doesn't either. It has made me much more empathetic to PA people. Years of low-level abuse can make a PA nightmare out of anyone.

She spoke eloquently about her MIL who is the height of PA. It triggers her but she understands that a combination of gender, culture (she is Southern European), age and situation have made her MIL this way. Had her inherent bolshiness been encouraged (if she had been a man) she would have never developed the PA stuff.

Interesting thread place marking for more assertiveness tips.

A big discovery for me was transactional analysis. It's not so much about assertiveness, but realising what role we are playing and bringing the interaction to adult level.
It has helped with mother in particular. :)

Weed you sound lovely and well on your way to a happier time!
I was thinking like you that I may have taught my children to be too considerate of others and unselfish. But in the last month both DDs have dumped their BFs (one for cheating and the other for not meeting her needs and not sharing her aims and values). They both did it kindly but firmly and with resolve that they deserve better treatment. I am SO proud of them and think in part they learned from the painful experience of living through my breakup with their DF who is an EA manipulator and had me dancing round him for 27 years.
So I think it is possible to be thoughtful and unselfish but still refuse to accept crappy treatment. And your DC will be nicer people because you brought them up!

have had a busy week, but saved this thread to read when I had time. Glad I did as it has given me something to think about.

weedinthepool - congratulations on the new job.

lweji - where does one learn about transactional analysis?

MrsTerryPratchett - valuable advice. Thanks for sharing it with those of us who are trying to ensure that our good manners/consideration for others/flexibility are a strength and not a sign of weakness!

There are a few resources online.

I found a library book about it.

I have been mulling this over as well. I saw something online about consent and have been thinking about this thread since. It is very important to me that DD learns how to say no to certain things.

What do you all think about the following: stranger in a shop leans in and says, 'what a beautiful child' and strokes DD's hand. DD raises her voice and says, 'no' angrily while pulling her hand away. DD really doesn't like to be touched without permission. Good for her but I don't want her to be rude. Same with kissing rellies. I don't make her if she doesn't want to. But this is often seen as rude or pandering or spoiling. I've taught her not to grab (work in progress), not to hug or kiss without asking either physically (arms out) or verbally.