to think that, in dating relationship terms...

[fishdishwish]

...when faced with a 20 stone bloke in his late 30s who still lives with his parents and has never really had a proper relationships, most women would run for the hills, or at least politely decline?

This is the situation I find myself in, unfortunately...

20 Stone? No problem provided you are a thoroughly decent chap
Living with parents? No problem provided you are a thoroughly decent chap
Late 30s? No problem provided you are a thoroughly decent chap
Never really had a proper relationship? No problem provided you are a thoroughly decent chap

Happily married though I am afraid. So its a no from me

Call me old fashioned but I love a heart, a mind and a soul not a house, an unblemished history and a set of pecs.

I like big men, so do many other women, it depends on how 20 stone looks on you and your energy levels.

My last Boyfriend lived with his Mum, at 43.

What caused issues is he didn't respect that I had less free time than him, because his Mum did the housework.

Also he had family members doing DIY, whereas it's just me, in mine, which is more expensive as well.

But from a financial POV, it made sense for him to stay there and his Mum/family were lovely, I would of moved in, given the chance.

As others have said, it depends in why you haven't had relationships.

I've given up looking tbh, there is a shortage of decent normal people (I would say men, but it seems to be both genders).

20 stone is a lot- my husband is 17 stone and to be very honest, I probably wouldn't have looked twice at him if he'd been that weight when we originally met. That sounds a bit hypocritical, but I am worried about his weight, he's nearly 6 foot but 17 stone is a big lot of weight to carry and a heart disease risk (large belly). I don't mind it so much as I love him and that spark is still there but it would have been harder to initially find the spark with someone larger (and everyone saying 20 stones and fit would be fine- well, most people are just not fit at that weight, the odd professional rugby-player excepted).

I would also wonder why someone hadn't found anyone at all by late-thirties. In my experience most of my friends have had girlfriends either at uni or in the few years after that and I honestly don't have any who haven't had any relationship for more than 20 years of eligibility. I would not worry about this, but it would be mystifying to me and I would suspect it was connected with the living at home/confidence issues.

As for living at home in late-thirties, again, no sorry. I would want to go home with a man- not to his parents' house. Now if he was living there temporarily after a marriage-break up to get back on his feet/be near to child and so on, I could understand, but to get to late-thirties with no romance and living there 20 years after you could have moved out (I moved aged 17) I wouldn't get it.

I can't believe everyone on here saying this would be no big deal for me. I have had lots of friends in the dating game over the past few years, and whilst one of these things alone (e.g. being a big guy) might not be an issue, all three definitely would be. It does not suggest a go-getter, tbh. I would live by yourself, do plenty of internet dating (don't mention where you live til you've changed it) to get out of the 'never had a relationship' vibe and be confident in yourself (don't wait to lose the weight to get out there). This is fixable, but to pretend it's not an issue is quite bad advice, especially on a forum which ran a thread on 'trivial reasons you dumped someone' like for sniffing or wearing multi-coloured socks.

My Dad did Bare Knuckle Boxing, a good weight for him was around 18 stone, so 20 Stone was only two stone overweight, which he was when he was off work (Merchant Navy), but he wax still fit and could lift etc.

I like large framed Men, so 14 + stone is a usual weight, for my BF's, but they are usually into sport or outdoors stuff.

We don't all go down the Uni route, or meet people at work.

As said, it depends what's gone on behind it all.

I dumped my last Boyfriend for putting milk in my tea, then asking was the pizza I was having Peperoni.

It was obvious that he wasn't interested in me, just wanted me to hang around him enough to start having sex.

I'm Vegan.

OP do you want a sex life, or a relationship?

There is a big difference.

Are you happy and would like a relationship as icing, or are you miserable about life and think a relationship will make it all better?

I think the difference there is crucial. You have to be happy and confident in your own skin, to be attractive to other people. Confidence is super attractive. One of my past bf that dumped me, was not particularly physically attractive in the conventional sense, but I was gutted. He was very confident in his own skin and people were drawn to this.

Living at home is a turn off unless as people above have said, it is temporary, so change it. Work on losing weight but do it with other people so it is more fun and you meet new people. Don't view them all as potential girlfriends. Just make friends with both sexes. Have fun.

Concentrate on this and you will be happier in yourself which will make you more attractive. If a relationship happens great, if it doesn't, then it won't be as sad as it is now as you will have a fuller more enriched life.

Good luck

It depends really. If your parents are happy to have you living with them and you fully contribute towards the running of the household i.e paying your way, doing your own washing, ironing, cleaning and cooking then no, it wouldn't bother me. It would really bother me if you did none of the above and your mum still waited on you hand and foot, that would suggest a man child and is a pretty good sign that a man would probably expect a wife or partner to do the same.

You can easily loose weight through diet and exercise, that's no issue. The lack of previous relationships wouldn't be a problem either, because I think people are far to hung up on coupling these days, it's overrated IMO. Far too many people stuck in relationships they are unhappy in because they can't stand to be alone.

The only thing that bother me if I was honest was the weight as worried about your health. The parent thing wouldn't bother me as there are reasons also same with the lack of relationship experience. A kind man who makes me laugh and treats me right and I love as much as he does

Are you happy and would like a relationship as icing, or are you miserable about life and think a relationship will make it all better?
I think the difference there is crucial. You have to be happy and confident in your own skin, to be attractive to other people.

Any more information op?

Thanks for the honest responses all, and apologies for the slowish reply!

Weight - well, it's fluctuated between 12 and 21 stones over my adult life, although it's largely been at the top end of that scale. I've an extra incentive to shed pounds now, as I've recently been diagnosed with a few health issues.

Living at home - I went to uni with every intention of not going back home, but I returned after graduation (16 years ago) and have remained ever since. I bring in an OK salary, but would probably struggle financially if I had my own place (plenty do, so it's no excuse, I know!).

Lack of relationship experience - I had some pretty brutal rejections as a teenager which, in hindsight, I partly brought on myself (I was WAY too intense), but they've made me wary of asking anyone out ever since. My one brief relationship was over a decade ago, now _ it never would have happened had she not made the first move. We dated for a couple of months, and parted fairly amicably, remaining good friends until bout 18 months ago when she, for no apparent reason, stopped responded to my e-mails. It still hurts, but heigh-ho...

I've always been pretty geeky, but I know that's supposed to be no barrier to a relationship, especially not these days. I do envy younger geeks, though, as they don't seem to be subjected to the same level of opprobrium as we were 20 years ago merely for being 'different'.

Hmmm. I had a bit of a nosy at your other posts after your update. I think perhaps you might have a touch of mr nice guy syndrome about you. I think that answers any questions I had about the why of it all.

Fishy... weight - you know you can address that if you really want to and I hope the health issues now spur you on to do so.

Living at home - change that if you possibly can! Don't be complacent, stretch yourself money wise if you have to. Yes, you should have moved out after your graduation without doubt, OK you might struggle financially but isn't it better to be poor and happy than comfortable and dissatisfied? Are you exaggerating the possible financial position as an excuse to stay where you are?

I have a couple of younger female workmates who are single and love geeks! You are correct, it should be no barrier for the type of girl I imagine would suit you. As far as the relationship problems years ago, put that behind you (easier said than done I'm sure), make some health and living changes to your life, and restart. Make friends first and see where it goes.

Good luck.

I haven't read the full thread but OP I understand you are the bloke in this instance?

To be perfectly honest none of what you have posted would make me run for the hills if I was single and looking for a relationship.

For me it is not about someone's experience or lack of it or their looks, weight etc. For me it is purely about personality and whether we have anything in common

Ok to put it bluntly, you can't have an active sex life and be swinging from the chandeliers (or even wander round naked) in your parents house. Most women want to be romanced, but also to have a fun time in bed and hanging out making polite conversation with your mum is a passion-killer.

Get your own place, even just a studio flat in the not-great part of town, decorate it really nicely, get a friend or colleague to take a confident nice picture of you (size is less important than confidence) and stick it on the internet and go on some dates- even if the women aren't perfect, you will break this cycle of not asking people out (you won't have to, you just have to show up to a few Match.com dates).

You can do this, but you really do need to shift yourself out of this rut. I would not actually start with weight as this is not what is holding you back (that can go alongside other changes)- go online, check out rentals in your area and create your own home and your own life!

It does depend on a variety of factors. Your weight - are you healthy? (It's perfectly possible to be big and in good health) Do you want to lose weight and get fitter? Up to you, but it might make you feel better about yourself.
Living with parents - That wouldn't necessarily bother me. FFS the last 6/7 years have seen a massive housing crisis blow up which means a lot of people have to live with their parents as they can't afford to move out. It doesn't mean they are all losers with no social skills and incapable of growing up.
Not had a 'proper relationship' - That's not necessarily a bad thing, either. It might indicate that someone can cope with being single and isn't desperate to latch on to the first other individual who passes by.

Of course, if the reason for your circumstances being as they are is something like you spent the last 15 years in prison for unspeakable crimes, then that would probably put people off. If it's more a case of things like working unsociable hours or having caring responsibilities (ie living with your parents because one or both need assistance with their daily lives)_ or working in a very male-dominated, demanding job then that's different.

I think you have stayed with your parents because there was nothing to move out "too" in a sense - that's understandable.

32 here and no relationship experience! And I'm a healthy BMI (well one point above!)

The general consensus seems to be the living with the parents thing: it wouldn't bother me to be honest although I'd prefer it if you had an apartment in Knightsbridge but that's probably because I own my own house.

Before deciding to share a life with you, many women will want to see that you're capable of shouldering your half of the adult responsibilities involved. In terms of health - well, while your weight is excessive, your life expectancy will be shorter and you're more likely to need caring for. Somebody who loves you might be fine with this, but it's harder to be fine with it when you are quite clearly not bothering to do anything about it. If you're planning to love your wife and be around to see your children develop, you will lose that weight now. With regard to your living at home - as other posters have said, it's a question of why and what that looks like. The fear for me is that you could be emotionally stunted and happy to be rather dull. I would wonder if you're capable of looking after yourself practically, if you could mix with peers, if you're happy to sacrifice new experiences for the safety of the known. I would be afraid that you would have nothing to introduce me to - that it would just be a matter of introducing you into my life and saving you from a tiny existence. And then there are all the practical difficulties of not being able to get to know you in your own space. If I were you, I'd move out. And if you won't, you should definitely lose the weight and get out of your comfort zone in other ways. In terms of not having had a relationship - it's not necessarily a problem but I'd be concerned that your expectations of the relationship would be those of a teenager. I'd wonder how loving and interesting you were, given that you apparently have never found anyone loving and interesting enough to be with. I'd worry that you would hang onto me just because it was a relationship and that you'd be disproportionately crushed if it didn't work out. I would be looking for hard evidence that you are at least capable of strong friendships with members of your own sex. If I knew you were hanging out on mumsnet, I'd be appalled.

To be fair to the OP areyoumymother perhaps Fish is on MN trying to understand how women's minds work which is no bad thing - we are complex creatures!

The one thing from your OP that would put me off is the negativity.

If you don't like your life, take steps to change it. Blaming a lack of relationship on it is really nothing but a meaningless whinge.

If you're just feeling a bit sorry for yourself and indulging on a little bit of self pity with your post fair enough. I love a good pity party .

Otherwise why not re frame your question 'would you be interested in dating a kind, generous, well educated, hard working man etc. '

The most attractive people I've ever known are those who are quietly confident and positive.

You seem to lack both motivation and self-respect. You've identified your barriers to what you want to achieve, i.e., being obese, living at home, and not earning much money.

Why don't you start with one of those: the weight. Have a look: 39stonecyclist.com/about/

Achieve that. Be proud of what you achieve. Develop good habits.

The OP does indicate his weight has fluctuated by quite a large amount - I'd be worried about that, to be honest.

He evidently CAN lose weight but struggles to keep it off?

Not many women of your age may go for you, but if you don't put yourself out there you are even less likely to find someone.

If you have a decent salary and are not in debt, it should be ok.
If you treat your mother respectfully and don't expect her to do everything for you, it is ok too.
If you haven't dated much because you are shy, it is ok.

Some men have been in long term relationships but are utter creeps and/or abusive. It means nothing. Just that their partners put up with them.

Being too intense when trying to start or during a relationship is a red flag, though, and I can see why you were rejected or dumped. Nothing to do with geekiness, weight or living with parents.