to think that, in dating relationship terms...

[fishdishwish]

...when faced with a 20 stone bloke in his late 30s who still lives with his parents and has never really had a proper relationships, most women would run for the hills, or at least politely decline?

This is the situation I find myself in, unfortunately...

I would be intrigued t

Hadnt finished.
I would be intrigued to discover why for all your points, as there could be valid reasons for all.
I wouldn't dismiss automatically, but it would suggest a lifestyle and personality which I wouldn't be attracted to.
Different strokes for different folks though, so have confidence. Good luck!

The thing is fishdish, if you are not happy with yourself and your situation, it is unlikely anyone else will be happy with you.

A relationship is not going to fix any of this stuff, so why don't you put that idea on the back burner for a while until you are happier with who you are? That doesn't mean beating yourself up about your failings, but it means working in the things that can be worked on and accepting the things that can't.

Chillies jeanie makes a good point. Never having a relationship before could, given the right reasons, be a really positive thing.

20 stone is ok if you are 6 foot 4 or 5, I spose....

late 30s .... well your age is your age

Living with your parents - why?

I'll give my opinion, even though people seem to be getting attacked for doing it. :/

20 stone, for me, I wouldn't find attractive. And before anyone says I'm being nasty - I'm not. It's just my preference, just as some people would never date a seriously skinny guy. It wouldn't stop me from being friends with someone, though. :)

Still living at home, would depend why. If it was because you'd gotten yourself into massive debt because you're bad with money, for example, I would run. If it's a valid reason, such as not being able to afford renting/buying your own place (understandable in today's property market), and you and parents are all happy with it, it wouldn't be an issue.

Not having had a proper relationship isn't a fault, and shouldn't be held against you.

If by before anyone says I'm being nasty you mean me Numanoid (cos I pretty much said that to avoir) I wouldn't say you're being nasty at all, you're stating a preference and taking ownership of it rather than blaming the recipient of it ('no-one with an ounce of self respect', 'absurd' etc etc)

That is all!

1. 20 stone is absurd, no-one with an ounce of self-respect is that weight. I'd have no interest in man of that size regardless of anything else.

www.google.co.uk/search?q=20+stone+bodybuilder&tbm=isch&tbo=u&source=univ&sa=X&ei=pae_U_eEGsaMO56MgIgH&ved=0CCsQsAQ&biw=1298&bih=440&dpr=0.9

www.rugbyweek.com/news/article.asp?id=33373

again 20 stone :)

Fatteningviolet I see your point, I would hope the other poster hadn't meant it to come across in a bad way, although if they did, it was an unkind comment. For all we know, the OP could have health problems which mean he can't lose weight, which is a shame as it's obviously causing him some upset.

My post wasn't meant to be singling anyone out, I just worry sometimes that posting on AIBU will provoke angry responses when what I say isn't meant to be nasty. :)

glasgowsteven I never thought of that, it's true that for all we know the OP could be a 20 stone bodybuilder! I automatically assumed he meant he was overweight.

It does seem that the lack of relationships is really puzzling to some people though. I remember being at a wedding reception of a former colleague a few years ago. I had left that job about 18 months previously and it was the first time I had seen several of my ex-colleagues in many months. The first thing that one said to me was "Have you got a boyfriend yet?" Not, "How are you?", "What have you been up to?". Also note the "yet". I was then subjected to an interrogation over dinner by her husband as to why it was that I wasn't in a relationship, because apparently this was a waste. A waste of what I'm not sure. I only managed to shut him up when I said "Well, as I understand it, if you're in a relationship with someone you are expected to see them several times a week. I can't be having with that."

Apologies fishwishdish for the slight hijack. I would say try not to let it bother you, which I realise is a bit trite. If there are things you would like to change in your life then take steps to do so, but don't do it if your motivation is purely that you hope it would lead to a relationship. Always make changes you want to for yourself first and foremost. If a relationship happens then that's a bonus!

numanoid

I also took it to mean overweight, which would be 6 + stone overweight - the OP listed a number of things which were seen as negative.

I presume the weight is also negative.

Not - X and Y, but I am a 20 stone bodybuilder...

I don't mind a chunky bloke at all. Your attractiveness to me would depend very much on your lifestyle and interests - a 20 stone man with a sedentary life and interests that revolved around takeaway and TV evenings or going down the pub wouldn't catch my attention but a 20 stone man who was pretty active, liked sports or fitness and was possibly on the hefty side because of a love of fine food - not much of a problem there.

Living with parents seems to be increasingly common, especially in London of other big cities where accommodation is expensive. Are you saving for a deposit for your own place? Could you have a girlfriend or other friends around with some privacy? That would influence many people's views.

The relationship thing - in my younger days I had a lovely boyfriend who was very inexperienced with women because he was chronically shy and lacked self confidence. He was a virgin until late 20s. There was nothing wrong with his looks or personality, he was (is) a great person. It very much depends on the reasons for your limited relationship experience whether that is really an issue.

Fish you are describing a very good friend of mine about 15 years ago pretty much to the letter.
Since that time when he was mid/late 30's he has indeed been married to someone that loved him very much although he has been sadly widowed.
He has moved to a totally new area and has returned to dating as well.

He didn't change who he was he managed to change how he seen himself. He found a comfort in his own skin and that is when he met someone. He lived with his mum because it was too expensive to rent or buy alone. He had brief flings but never anything serious but more down to his own views of himself rather than something fundamentally wrong with him.

He is a different man now. Happy with who he is and if that is him on his own he is ok with that.

The way you listed it in the OP does come across as unattractive.

But it needn't be.

You say you are tackling the weight. Keep at it, and (at risk of sounding like a 1950s agony aunt) join clubs which interest you and which are for airl active things - this both keeps the weight loss going and gets you meeting new people.

I think living with your parents is not a show stopper in itself, especially if you have lived independently in the past and if the reason is not (as mentioned by a previous poster) massive debt.

You can't do anything about lack of previous serious relationships, apart from change your narrative around it. Not to "waiting for Ms Right" as that sounds a bit OTT, but more 'things haven't worked out so far' and 'I'm open to this'. And of course it's also perfectly OK not to be open to it - if there are other reasons why you've stayed unattached, don't force yourself to fit a perceived norm. You can fill your life with whatever you want, and that doesn't have to be couplehood.

I don't think you can get round the fact that losing weight and getting in shape a little will be a big plus in the dating game (as long as you don't then go on and on about it and become a fitness bore because they are even worse IMO!).

I did go on a date with someone who lived with his parents for financial reasons. It made sense, he needed to pay maintenance for his kid and didn't want to skimp on that while he was also trying to get a freelance business going. That all seemed to me to be very positive. It did however occur to me that if I had wanted to take it further it would essentially mean that pretty much all our 'staying in' or 'staying over' dates from then on would be at my house and I didn't fancy that much. It doesn't seem very equal and that can be a killer in relationships. It could be worth thinking ahead and planning how you would be able to entertain a new date where you live without your parents being an issue. Would you be able to have somewhere completely separate from them? Can you cook a meal for someone, watch a film etc separately from them?

Actually the lack of previous relationships wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker. I dated a virgin of 28 when I was 30. I quite enjoyed being the teacher! He was a lovely bloke, slightly androgynous and think he'd been a bit asexual/not quite sure about his sexuality although when we were together there were no problems in terms of desire etc, he learned the ropes pretty quickly.
The relationship didn't work out for a number of reasons but not to do with that.

The living with parents thing isn't great but again not insurmountable if a temporary thing. I was living with my folks temporarily wen I met my current partner - I soon moved out into a houseshare as it was a bit weird having him come over to my parent's house - we moved in together a few months down the line.

The 20 stone thing would put me off I'm afraid and I'm saying that as a fatty myself (borderline obese - bmi 30, down from 34). That's probably your biggest challenge. You need to work out what you're going to do about it. In my case I stopped dieting as such just gave up junk food and sugar as a lifestyle choice and it's working. Not a quick fix but will be permanent.

Good luck

I don't judge the weight, lack of relationships or the living at home with parents but I DO think that you are using this post as a rather obvious attempt to turn a parenting forum into a dating site!

Living with parents but does more than his share of cooking gardening & cleaning & his own washing & ironing - great.

Lets his parents (or even worse his Mum alone) do all that, no thanks.

It all depends if his Mum washes his underpants, or not. That would be a deal breaker for me. If he is waited on hand and foot, I would find that most unattractive.

A hunk of a man of 20 stone who wasn't unfit is fine by me.

Also OP, I find it irritating when people continually do themselves down/feel sorry for themselves. Get out there and make life better for yourself - I'm sure you have many good qualities - capitalise on them.

OP, as you mentioned you're trying to lose weight - a friend of mine, in a s similar position weight-wise, has found that swimming is a good way to lose weight, and it isn't too strenous if you're not used to exercise.
I'm getting back into exercise myself, I have periods of not doing much, to getting back into it, and the biggest mistake you can make is hitting the gym all-out straight away. All that achieved for me was a pulled muscle, which meant I couldn't do much exercise at all until I'd recovered from that!

You need to find a way to build up your self esteem and confidence as that is very attractive, whatever your size or circumstances. Feeling fit and taking control there can be a good way to achieve that, then a good by product is that you also lose weight. But for me, far and away the best thing about exercising is that I feel good psychologically.
Are there any clubs or group exercise things near you? I used to go to a brilliant running club in east London. Loads of couples got together there, people of all sorts of shapes and sizes joined and everyone was super supportive of each other. The applause was the same for someone who had done a 3 hour marathon as a 45 minute 5k.

Maybe look into something like that - baby steps! You will get there - if you feel good about yourself, other people will see that too.

Numan

OP, as you mentioned you're trying to lose weight - a friend of mine, in a s similar position weight-wise, has found that swimming is a good way to lose weight, and it isn't too strenous if you're not used to exercise.

As a reformed fatty myself I use the 80/20 rule for food!

TBH it does not really matter what exercise you do if your diet is terrible you wont lose weight!

The reasons behind the weight, the living with parents and no previous relationships would be the things that may concern me rather than those things themselves.