To think in a marriage - there shouldn't be so much "privacy"

[ToForgiveIsCanine]

DF and I are getting married next June but it's becoming increasingly frustrating that he seems to think so much of his life needs to remain "private " (almost secret) from me. What pisses me off further is that this is a complete contrast to what he expects from me.

The latest one is that his mum has just given him £5k. Great. We've discussed it, I've said it's his money, he decides what happens to it etc etc and he's insisted he'll use it to sort our finances. Lovely. Now I've just seen a "private" skype conversation (it popped up when I put the computer on) where he's told his son that grandma is also giving him and his brother £1k each. Again, lovely but why would he not mention it to me? Why keep that private/secret? He knows all about the money my mum gave my kids, why would he not think to mention it like I talk to him about stuff like that? If it was just a one off it wouldn't be so bad but he's done it a few times. His son asked "us" to pay for a car - a big conversation took place over a couple of days between him and DP yet it never got mentioned to me once. I only found out they were discussing it as he left his Facebook open and his son replied whilst I was using the pc.

A few months ago dp came home from picking up his kids and said "looks like ds won't need to stay with us for a week now" ... I was like "eh???" And he said oh ... I told you ex was having an operation and I agreed with her that ds could stay with us whilst she recovered but they've sorted it do it doesn't matter". He did NOT discuss this with me at all.

And then DSS says last weekend "so you're still ok with me and girlfriend coming away with you next year then?" DP mutters "yeah no big deal is it". I say "what's this?" And he says "oh when we go to Bath I said we could take them down at the same time, they won't be staying with us though, don't worry". I should fucking hope not, it's our honeymoon!!!

So yeah he just never involves me. The latest one (him not mentioning to me that his mum has given his kids money and slyly breaking it to them behind my back) has just broke the camels back I think. I tell him everything.

No I saw the other issues but I'm not clear why OP made that the focus of her thread or why that should be the final straw. It really is none of her business. I think it's extremely odd of her to expect to be told about these gifts.

You should have married my XH

My exh was like this OP. Never told me anything. He would also make arrangements without telling me until it was too late for my wishes to count. He controlled all our finances and I was completely excluded in matters financial relating to him and the home.

Took me a long time to realise it was because he didn't consider me important enough.

There's a fine line between someone forgetting or not thinking it necessary to mention something, and withholding information because of wanting to keep control.

"And yes he does ask me to be open and honest about everything. He kicked off a few months back because ds had asked me for a new phone ."

Is this a child who lives at home (with both of them) still, as opposed to an adult who may be asking for a level of confidence from their Birth Parent.

Whenever a OP posts that they don't want everything shared with their Parents new partner, they usually get support.

I think that even within marriage, you can keep confidences of others, which I know others don't agree with.

If the OP's son lives with them and the DP's Son needed somewhere to stay, the DP may honestly have thought it wouldn't be an issue, forgot to mention it, then when, not needed, relayed the information.

I think what directly affects your Partner should be shared, but in the case of adult children, you can respect their privacy, even if your are married to the other Birth Parent.

This forum shows clearly that we all parent older teen/adult children, very differently, though.

Why you marrying him?

Inviting someone to go on holiday with you and not telling your dp is totally off. Same with taking someone else on honeymoon ( albeit staying separately).

I would be livid.

He then goes off on one over the mobile phone incident, no you need to bring this up sharpish.

Don't marry him.

Whatever you as a couple believe is private is fine as long as you both agree and the same rules apply to both of you. He keeps things from you while expecting you to tell him everything (are you expected to seek his agreement too? )

It could be a control issue, where he wants to hold the power in the relationship, or it could be a lack of respect, in that he doesn't think you're important enoigh to know that he has invited other people to join you on your honeymoon. Either way it won't end well.

Big red flags. I wouldn't marry him- he isn't going to change.